Day 258 - My Pastor

In keeping with "The Sandlot" theme from yesterday, I was thinking about my pastor. I liken my pastor to the character "Rodriguez" from the movie The Sandlot.

* * *

If I'm remembering correctly, Rodriguez was an experienced and adept baseball player. In fact, he was the best player out of all of the boys on the pick-up baseball team. His experience and knowledge was crucial to the making of that local baseball team. Because of Rodriguez, his experience, his patience in training the other boys, and his willingness to work with such a goofy bunch of boys, that baseball troupe became a great one.

* * *

That's my pastor. Pastor is experienced and knowledgeable. Sometimes, I am so amazed at Pastor's sermons and words of wisdom that I wonder what he's doing hanging around with a group of misfits like those in our church. But without my pastor, our "team" wouldn't be half as accomplished and driven as it is.

* * *

I was thinking about the rival baseball team in the movie that Rodriguez could easily have played with. They had the beautiful uniforms, they had the most handsome and best and brightest players around, and they had one of the nicest fields on which to play their game. Compare that with the team Rodriguez was in charge of and you have a picture in your mind of my pastor and his duties to his team. If you asked my pastor if he feels he has given anything up by moving out to Montana, pastoring a smaller church in a small town, with a congregation of misfits -- again, I say this very lovingly about my new church's congregants and even include myself in this category -- I'm certain he would say he is blessed. Just as Rodriguez felt blessed and honored to be in charge of his own baseball team.

* * *

I want to again thank my Lord for bringing us to this new church where people are so driven and dedicated. Despite our inadequacies and shortcomings, our church is a winning church because of the pastor who coaches us and leads us and teaches us so much about You. Thank you, Lord, for Pastor and his desire to serve You in our church.

Day 257 - The Sandlot and My Church

Remember the 1993 movie, "The Sandlot"? It was a nostaligic look back at the 1960s when a young boy moves to a new neighborhood with his mother and new step-father, and the misadventures he finds with a group of boys from a neighborhood pick-up baseball league.

* * *

They're an odd-ball group of prepubescent boys who daily get together and try to form a winning baseball team. They practice hard. They spend long days in the hot summer sun perfecting their techniques. These boys come from various family backgrounds and histories. A ragged troup, to say the least, trying to get it together and win against a bigger and better local team.

* * *

I was thinking last night after Wednesday night church service how alike our church members are compared to the Sandlot's baseball team. My new church has definitely got a group of odd-ball members, and I say that very lovingly for each one of them. My new church is not a fancy and showy type of church where members have deep pockets and extravagant surroundings. No, my new church is made up of a group of local "pick-up" Christians getting together and forming our own "sandlot" team.

* * *

The members, for the most part, are all regular, run-of-the-mill Montanans who work very hard for every dollar they earn. I don't think a single member drives a fancy car or lives in a fancy home. But each member is generous in the giving of their precious volunteer time each week to our church to help it become the best church it can be! Church members work hard at maintaining and growing and strengthening our "team." Yes, there are bigger and fancier churches around that might, at first glance, think they're better somehow because they are bigger and fancier...but I'll tell you what, I'd much prefer my dedicated odd-ball group of congregants who have a firm grasp on what's important in life than sitting in some fancy building with a group of believers who have Christianity tied up in a foil-wrapped present with a silk bow on top and left sitting in a pew.

* * *

Lord, help me to find my "position" on my peculiar and whacky church "team." Amen.

Days 255 & 256 Feeling God's Pull

You know how the moon has a gravitational "pull" on the ocean? God works the same way in our lives...if we allow Him to. There is an unseen force that tugs us towards Him. Despite how vast the ocean is, how many cubic feet or yards of ocean waters stretch over the face of the earth, the moon's gravitational force is extremely powerful and effective.

* * *

I am so thankful God works that way in my life, too!

* * *

Last night -- well, it was really early this morning as it was 3:00 a.m. -- my husband and I laid in the dark bedroom next to each whispering about how God is pulling and tugging on our lives. My husband, in particular, said he feels God's tug on his life but doesn't yet know which direction to take. He admitted to feeling a bit frightened by this tug because, he said, it will have a HUGE impact on his life and will pull him towards a radical, life-changing direction.

* * *

Currently, my husband is reading a book about the man who started up "Promise Keepers." This man felt God's tug and pull in a very BIG way, too...but nearly ended up losing his wife over it. It took away time from his family in order to make Promise Keepers successful, and it nearly cost him his marriage.

* * *

My husband and I discussed that although we feel that his radical life change won't involve the publicity and popularity of Promise Keepers, it will, indeed, involve a radical life change. My husband and I discussed my needs and his needs, as well as our children's needs, and how all of these might fit into his higher calling in life.

* * *

Finally, we just stated that we would be willing to be led wherever God led us...but through the honest autobiographies of such men as the founder of Promise Keepers, we are aware of some of the pitfalls that come with such a committment.

* * *

I just want to thank the Lord for guiding us and leading us. I pray that His hand would gently tug and pull us towards His will for us as a couple, as parents, and as fellow Christians who both desperately want to reach out and serve.

* * *

"So I say to you, 'Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. Knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who seeks shall find, and to him who knocks, it will be opened." Luke 11: 9-10

Days 252-254 Easter Sunday!

Easter Sunday...new Easter dresses, new matching shoes, baskets filled with chocolate bunnies, jump ropes, books, and colorful Easter eggs. Don't forget the Easter egg hunt, ham and potatoes for dinner, and a snooze in front of a TV show
* * *
But what, really, is Easter all about? I can tell you it's far more than a floppy-eared bunny hopping down the bunny trail...it's about Jesus Christ and his death on the cross for MY sins (for YOUR sins), and His powerful, never-before-seen resurrection Sunday!
* * *
Easter Sunday...let's try this again. Sunday morning sunrise service. Breakfast of hot pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage links and orange juice while conversing with a fellow church member. Sunday School lesson about Jesus' ultimate act of love for me (for you)...and church service.
* * *
Actually, the church service was replaced with our first attempt at the church's nursery room. Six toddlers and just as many helpers...we did our best.
* * *
Then it was lunch at a church family's home, and a long car drive out of town. I'm in trial for the next few days, and I needed to get to my hotel tonight to begin trial at 8:00 a.m. sharp on Monday.
* * *
I'm actually sitting in my hotel room now. I was assigned a room right off of the indoor pool. The girls and I enjoyed a refreshing swim this afternoon while my husband dozed in front of the hotel's television. Then we all enjoyed a fried chicken and jojos meal from the local supermarket, and the girls and my husband were back in the car and drove the hour-and-a-half distance back to our home.
* * *
I'm exhausted. It isn't even 9:00 p.m., but my body is ready for bed.
* * *
Thank You, Lord, for this wonderful Easter Day...the first Easter Day we shared as a believing family, the first Easter Sunday my husband was excited to get up at the crack of dawn and head to church to praise our Lord and Savior.
* * *
I want to thank you, Lord, for leading us and guiding us. Can I bemoan one more thing on such a joyous day? I hate to travel away from my children and my husband. I hate sleeping in hotel rooms that smell funny and make funny noises all night. I hate to kiss my loved ones good-bye so that I can spend time in court. Don't get me wrong, Lord...I am SO thankful for my job. You were so good to provide it in the first place. But I am complaining to you that I miss my family, miss my bed, miss snuggling up next to my husband. I miss the sounds MY home makes.
* * *
Please, Lord...make a way for me not to have to travel away from my family. It's really, really hard on a working mom to be away from her loved ones. And please, Lord...make my fingers work strong and hard tomorrow so that they don't konk out and ache by 3:00 p.m. and I still have hours in my trial left to report. And then get up and do it all over again the next day. But I DO thank you for the income it brings in to help support my dear family.
* * *
Be with my family tonght as we are apart one from another. Amen.

Day 251 - A Cheer For God!

You would not believe the amount of trouble I had finding an appropriate photo of a cheerleader to use in today's blog! Have you SEEN the outfits modern-day cheerleaders are wearing? there's more skin showing than outfit nowadays, sheesh!

* * *

Today's blog is a great big SHOUT OUT and cheer for God for everything He has done in my life and the lives of my family members these past few months. Gooooooooooooo God!!! (I'm jumping around and waving my pom-poms.)

* * *

Last night I was so excited at the prospect of beginning my new classes towards a biblical counseling degree. I must've had ants in my pants even as I slept. I'm chomping at the bit to begin.

* * *

I have told my mother of my plans...I was a bit hesitant. She remembers the bratty child and teen I was, and I was worried she would scoff at my goal. Instead, she was joyous and encouraging! AND...this is the BEST part...my dear mother called the online university herself just this morning and she is officially signed up for post-graduate studies in biblical studies herself!!!!

* * *

Goooooooooo Mom! (More kicks and a cheer here, too.)

* * *

I just cannot comprehend the love my God has for us all...despite our past mistakes and despite our human frailties in life.

* * *

"Neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39

* * *

"Many, O Lord, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you. Were I to speak and to tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 36:7

Day 250 - This Is The Way To Go

Well, I did it! I signed up for a some distance learning classes through an online university. I will be studying Biblical Counseling.

* * *

I have actually signed up for four classes, to be completed in one year's time: Intro to biblical counseling, Becoming a biblical counselor, Marriage & Family counseling, and Counseling within the Local Church.

* * *

I wasn't sure we'd have the funds. In fact, I had resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn't, and I just resigned myself to taking these classes at another time in my life.

* * *

But after going over my budget and tweaking a thing or two for the next two weeks, I had exactly enough money for the required down payment. I discussed this with my husband just last night. He said to go for it!

* * *

I was on my knees, thanking the Lord for guiding me. I was terribly excited, my heart pounding, at the prospect that this was the first step in many that the Lord is having me take towards His purpose for my life and my marriage and my family.

* * *

And then this morning I got nervous. What if I couldn't handle the class load and working full-time and raising my kids? How do I pay for the books needed for the classes? What if God wasn't really leading me to do this? What if this was all some horrible mistake and I was leading us down the wrong path???!!!

* * *

Well, I realized quickly enough that those negative thoughts weren't from the Lord. I had written down the verses God had given to me from Ecclesiastes, I wrote down reminders of how much I had been praying, that my husband had blessed this endeavor, and now I had the money. These are all very clear signals to go forward.

* * *

As a bonus, God did something else. After today's hearing in court, I had an attorney order the transcript of the hearing...which will more than cover the cost of my first classes required books, as well as some tithing money. Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord, for that added bonus!!!

* * *

Today is Step 1 towards my biblical counseling degree. Thank you, Lord.

* * *

"Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" He answered, "Love the Lord your god with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself."

Luke 25-28

Day 249 - Looking back in retrospect

I was lying in bed last night pondering the last 249 days. God has really, really, REALLY worked mightily in my marriage and in my life.

* * *

When I began this blog, when I began pouring out my heart and soul to the Lord, crying out for Him to draw me close once again, and begging Him to move in mighty ways in not only my life but my marriage and my family, He answered BIG TIME.

* * *

I started off in the wilderness, afraid and unsure and lost. And today, I am in a peaceful valley where God and I walk hand in hand.

* * *

My husband was saved! That is, to me, THE most wonderful thing God has done for me and my family since beginning this journey to rediscover God and His will for my life. And if that had been the ONLY thing God had done for us during these past 249 days, that would be sufficient.

* * *

But that isn't the only thing, is it? I have full-time, steady employment now that pays our bills and sustains our financial status...my husband has a new job that allows him to spend time with the family and gives him regular days off to rest and rejuvinate...we found a new church and have been SO blessed by the members and the pastor's mighty sermons, I began a women's online mentoring program that is working out fabulously, and I will begin, with the help of a church friend, a women's mentoring group at our church...as well as countless other ways in which the Lord has come alongside of us and blessed us and loved on us in return.

* * *

So when I pray and ask God to continue guiding me, worried that I might become stagnant in my walk with Him and not heed His voice and calling on me, I need to look back and consider everything the Lord has done for me in the past 8 months.

* * *

I am glad that I am keeping this blog...because it is a constant and very real reminder of how God can turn a family around, turn a life around, in the blink of an eye...if only we ask.

* * *

Looking forward, my earnest prayer is that God would continue to teach me about faith and grace, and that He would lead us as a family in a very powerful way. Amen.

* * *

Hosea 14:7 says, "The people will return and live beneath his shade." Israel, the Northern Kingdom that had abandoned God's covenant, would return to God....just like me.

Days 246 - 248

It's Monday and I really don't have an epiphany to write about, so instead I will write what is written in today's "Grace For the Moment," Vol. II, by Max Lucado. * * * "You are the only you God made. He made you and broke the mold...every single baby is a brand-new idea from the mind of God...You aren't one of the many bricks in the mason's pile or one of a dozen bolts in the mechanic's drawer. You are it! And if you aren't you...we don't get you. The world misses out.

* * *

"You are heaven's Halley's comet; we have one shot at seeing you shine. You offer a gift to society that no one else brings. If you don't bring it...it won't be brought." _______________________

"From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; He fashions their hearts individually."

Psalm 33:14-15

Day 245 - Mentoring Women and My Experiences

I never thought in a million years that women would reach out to me when they're struggling. But they are. I never thought I would be online encouraging and uplifting fellow Christian women through prayer and messages...but I am.

* * *

If you had told me even two years ago that I would be confronted with women's issues ranging from infidelity to witchcraft to homosexuality to turning their back on God, I would've laughed out loud.

* * *

Daily...when I log onto the internet and seek out my online Christian women's group...there are women reaching out for help in their lives. They're struggling and hurting, in pain and broken-hearted. In fact, that's the way I started out in the group myself just 8 short months ago. It's amazing how God can turn a family around in eight short months...and then begin to use me to mentor other women who are hurting.

* * *

I look back on all of my marital struggles, on my parenting struggles, and other issues in my life, and now I can see that God can use my past hurts to help other women get through their own times of depression and worry, pain and suffering.

* * *

Sometimes...the issues that other women bring to me...the advice they are looking for or the exact scripture that will help them cling to God and His promises evade me. I struggle to find the right words of comfort or the proper verse to direct them towards.

* * *

This is why I believe God is leading me to biblical studies through an online seminary...because with the knowledge and skills I gain, I can better help other women. But there's a hold-up: Finances. The classes are pricey, even at 50% off using a grant that was offered to me if I signed up this month.

* * *

The pastor spoke of miraculous ways in which God can minister towards someone's financial needs: an unexpected check shows up in the mail...a donor has stepped forward and assists...all of this occuring at just the right time, without a moment to spare.

* * *

I, for one, have never witnessed this myself. I have steadfastly created financial budgets and tried my best to stick within the guidelines. And if I'm really careful with my spending, there might be some left over for a treat for myself or my girls. This is how God has met my financial needs thus far. He has provided enough to meet our daily needs.

* * *

I am frightened to believe that God could pull through and provide the means necessary for these biblical classes. Am I desiring something out of God's will and He won't possibly respond? Is this a time to just wait and proceed at a different time? Maybe I do wholeheartedly believe this is the exact time and place that God is calling me to pursue these studies, and I should wholeheartedly have faith that He will provide the means necessary...but what if I hope and pray for this kind of supernatural miracle...and He doesn't pull through?

* * *

I've dealt with enough disappointment in my lifetime that I don't even place myself in situations where someone - even God - could let me down. This is my protective barrier I've built up during my childhood, my teen years, as well as my adult years. My mother taught me well enough: Work hard, be diligent in your finances, and provide things for yourself. With God's guidance in a job and a salary or even a raise, this is how God has provided financial means.

* * * I don't know how to have faith to step into the Jordan River, trusting God will provide. I prefer Moses' way: God parts the waters, and then I move forward.

* * *

God, I'm struggling with this type of faith in You. I am hesitant to trust that in the next 15 days, you will provide the money necessary for me to pay for and take these online classes. I know it can't be against your will...I know that you are leading me in taking these classes...but to have 100% peace and trust that this money will be provided in the next 15 days seems out of reach for me...so I will cautiously say, instead, that if it's Your will, then the money will come through. And if I'm to wait and take these classes at another time, then so be it. Amen.

Day 244 - Having Faith

"Be strong and courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:6-9

* * *

"Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away,...while the water flowing down to the Sea...was completely cut off. So the people crossed over..." Joshua 3:15-16

* * *

Similar to the Israelites crossing the Red Sea with Moses as their commander...but different in that the priests first stepped into the flooded river before God moved and made the waters recede for safe journey across. The pastor last night spoke of the faith of Joshua and the people crossing the Jordan...that they had faith to first step into the water before expecting that God would come to their aid. This is real, true faith.

* * *

With Moses, God moved and made the Red Sea part, and then the people crossed after seeing God's miracle...but with Joshua, God did not move until He first saw the faithfulness of His people in following His will for them.

* * *

The pastor asked: Are we willing to heed God's calling...to act when it seems impossible...to fully trust that God will provide when He has prompted us to go...despite the impossibilities of the situation?

* * *

"For without faith, it is impossible to please Him. For he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder for those who diligently seek Him"

Hebrews 11:6

* * *

"Your faith must not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."

1 Cor. 2:5

* * *

"We walk by faith...not by sight."

2 Cor. 5:7

* * *

Day 243 - Christ liveth in Me!

"I do not live anymore -- it is Christ who lives in me."

Galatians 2:20

* * *

I have leaves to rake, a steering wheel to grip, a neighbor's hand to shake. Simply put, I have things to do!

* * *

So does God.

* * *

Babies need hugs. Children need good-night tucks. AIDS orphans need homes. Stressed-out women need hope. God has work to do! And He uses my hands and my heart to do it. What the hand is to the glove, the Spirit is to the Christian...God gets into us. At times, imperceptibly. Other times, disruptively. God gets His fingers into my life, inch by inch, reclaiming the territory that is rightfully His.

* * *

My tongue...my feet...my mind...my eyes, face, and hands. Through them, He will weep, smile, and touch.

* * *

(Taken and adapted from "Grace for the Moment," Vol. II, by Max Lucado, for April 13th.)

* * *

Lord, Use Me. Amen.

Day 242 - The Beauty of Spring

Signs of spring are everywhere now: migratory birds have returned, the temperatures hover around 50 during the daytime, the days are getting longer, and the crocuses are popping up, despite the occasional blizzard.

* * *

Springtime has always filled my heart with joy! The cold, frigid temperatures of the wintertime are gone, the sun brings warmth to the earth, and melodious birds' songs are drawn through my open windows. I am eagerly anticipating all of the changes that springtime brings to our town, the same way that I am eagerly anticipating all of the changes that God will bring to my marriage, my life, and my church.

* * *

Isaiah 43:19 says, "Behold, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs forth! Do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness...and a way in the desert."

* * *

Malachi 4:2 says, "But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings. You shall go out leaping like calves from a stall."

* * *

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things have passed away. Behold, all things are new."

* * *

Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Days 239 - 241 The Lord Speaks Through His Holy Word

Yesterday evening, our church held a prayer meeting. I've never actually been to a dedicated prayer meeting before. I mean, in the past, things have evolved into a prayer circle, laying on of hands, and praying for specific needs, as well as getting on our knees and humbling ourselves before the Lord and praising Him.

* * *

But last night was specifically set aside for prayer time. No potluck social, no music ministry, no sermon...just prayer. Spending time on my knees before my Creator and Savior, telling Him that He is my God and my King, that I humbly give Him my life and the lives of my family members, as well as asking Him to guide and direct each one of us.

* * *

Although we were in this prayer meeting for two hours, I felt like it was over in a moment. I could've kept on praying for another two hours, spending time praying for fellow church members and the struggles in their lives, as well as spending more alone time with my Lord.

* * *

I went into this prayer meeting expecting God to speak to me clearly, guide me more clearly, and basically give me a finality in my decision-making as to the women's mentoring program and/or biblical counseling degree through an on-line Christian seminary. But I felt more confused than ever when I left.

* * *

I woke up twice last night, each time kneeling on the soft rug in the quiet and dark bathroom and pouring my heart out to God. My thoughts were jumbled, and the path that God was supposed to clearly place me on felt like it was completely out of reach.

* * *

I finally decided, after praying for a third time in the wee hours of the morning, to just table everything for another time in my life. I had an image of a wheel-chair bound person in my mind who is longing to be free of this handicap so that she may run with her legs and jump for joy! But, unfortunately, the wheelchair hinders her best attempts to get up and run with all of her might. Despite her desire to run and jump, her handicap holds her back. I likened this imagery to my own handicap in life, the things that hold me back from being able to fulfill the women's mentoring program and beginning a new journey in biblical counseling: (1) working full-time, (2) raising 3 children, (3) not having the option to quit my job to devote to these things I feel God is calling me to because my husband depends on the income I earn.

* * *

I told God, finally and with a somewhat broken spirit, "Lord, you see my handicaps. I can't possibly do these things that I feel you are calling me to do." And then I got up off of my knees and made a hot pot of coffee in the quiet morning in my house. I felt a desire to grab the Bible and study for just a moment in the quiet, to see God's word and draw nearer to Him in this manner.

* * *

I know you're not supposed to just haphazardly open up the Bible and expect God to suddenly reveal His will for your life. I'm mature enough to know that finding God's desire takes devotion and time and prayer. But I allowed the Bible to flip itself open to Ecclesiastes 10. I began reading about folly and the heart of the wise.

* * *

And then I came across verse 10: "If the ax is dull and one does not sharpen the edge, then he must use more strength; but wisdom brings success."

* * *

And then in Chapter 11, verse 5: "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."

* * *

How awesome is this, Lord? Wisdom brings success! Definitely something I needed to hear from You in regards to schooling to learn biblical counseling skills. As well, I should not struggle to see the total picture of why You are calling me to learn Biblical counseling skills and how I should apply this wisdom, because I can't possibly understand the work of God!

* * *

And then this in verse 6: "Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that or whether both will do equally well."

* * *

Amazing! Here is was up praying and struggling with these decisions off and on throughout the night, and then finally telling the Lord of my "handicaps" and why I can't possibly commit to either the women's mentoring program or studying biblical counseling, and God clearly told me to leave it to Him, because I can't see how God can bless BOTH!

* * *

So I want to thank the Lord for CLEARLY leading me this morning in my decision-making. Now I just lay both of these things at the Lord's feet and ask that He guide me despite others who might snicker or feel these are poor decisions for me. Because I know how much I have struggled to do EXACTLY as God would guide me and lead me, and He clearly is doing just that!

* * *

___________________________ Update: Remember my post about Josh, the tattooed and wayward young man? Well, in church this past Sunday, he went forward for the altar call! He tearfully and joyfully gave his heart over to Jesus, as well as requested to be baptized! Praise the Lord!!!!!!

Day 238 - Do I Go Left or Right???

Sometimes God's voice isn't all that clear or audible. Sometimes, even despite my best efforts at praying for His guidance, I still feel as if I'm at a crossroads. There's no concrete direction that I should take.

* * *

Do I go left? Or Do I go right? I pray some more. I ask friends and family. Some advise me one way, some advise me the other. And then I'm still left standing at the crossroads with a bewildered look on my face.

* * *

I have felt led by God these past seven or eight months in a variety of ways: adoption, fostering, trying to become a stay-at-home-mom again. Each time I felt led, I prayed and asked God to guide me and lead me, to shut the doors when something is not in line with His will.

* * *

We couldn't adopt. Because of my history of depression and my depression medication -- although it's the lowest dose they prescribe and my doctor jokes it couldn't help a mouse so she doesn't understand how it's helping me -- shuts the door on adoption. Then I thought, "Well, let's try the foster care route!" My husband was all for it, the Bible clearly tells us to take care of orphans, so this MUST be it! Right??? Nope. Not it, either. After weeks and weeks of filling out paperwork, getting fingerprinted, having background checks performed and all the other hoops foster parents must jump through to become certified...even this fell through and a door was shut.

* * *

See, I just don't want to let my Lord down in any way. I want Him to know that when He calls me, I will be ready and I will go where He is leading. So every time I even think He might be tugging at me to go a certain direction, I don't waver for a moment. I jump into the task at hand, whole-heartedly giving myself and my time to seeking His will.

* * *

And maybe that's His plan? To hint at something I must do...and will I be immediately obedient in doing it?

* * *

My husband and I have indepth conversations about me mentoring other women. He seems to think this truly is my ministry on earth since everything has just kind of fallen into place so easily and there are so many women who reach out to me. The problem is: I have zero training for women's ministries. I stumble for the right words of comfort, for the exact scripture Christ would have me to share to help assuage the situation...

* * *

My husband suggested getting a women's mentoring book to study. So while I was online searching for a fabulous mentoring book, I came across online colleges that offer degress in counseling...one in particular offering a Bachelor's Degree in Women's Ministries! My heart beat quicker as I dialed my husband at work. His reaction? He is all for it! He says this could be God leading me to do Women's Ministries!

* * *

I have never once in all my 40 years thought that I could be in women's ministries...in fact, I've felt my calling in other areas of my life, like with children's ministries or working with the elderly. But I am burned out on toddlers and children at this point in my life, and working with the elderly brought me such pain and heartache when I volunteered at the local nursing home.

* * *

I've had people mention that if women's ministries is not something I've ever felt called to do before recently, then why would I think God is calling me to do it now? At this age and stage of my life, especially?

* * *

Well, I see Saul walking down the dusty and dirty road, a mature man with a set plan for his own life...and suddenly, God calls to him and changes him instantaneously! From the week forward, he is new! He has focus! He has drive!

* * *

I posted previously about not wanting to be a ship without a rudder, or a captain of a ship without a destination port. So Lord, I ask that You would guide me in all things, that You might use me on this earth for Your Kingdom. Amen.

Day 237 - Slow-Speed Dial-Up Prayer Connection

Remember the old days of dial-up internet connection? You would hit the "connect to internet" button, and there would be a series of bleeps and blurps, and then about 30 seconds later, your unstable connection to the internet?

* * *

That's how I feel my prayer life with God is, sometimes. I'm on my knees, connecting with my Lord through prayer, but I feel as if I'm on slow-speed dial-up connection. A few moments of trying to connect, and then there's a connection established, but it's crackly and unstable at times.

* * *

And remember the old days of international phone calls? The phone calls where a series of clicks were made to connect you overseas, and then once the connection was made to the party you're calling, you had to shout to be heard? Yeah, that's me and God sometimes, too.

* * *

I've always been a bit jealous at those people who seem to have a lightning fast high-speed connection with God. They speak and before their opening words are even out of their mouths, God is immediately on the other end with a crystal clear connection. And they ask a prayer or speak a prayer one time, and within moments, God has answered.

* * *

I've asked God for a high-speed internet access with Him. But twenty years later, I'm still tapping out Morse Code or using a DOS software program while everyone else is "prayer savvy" and using the newest and most efficient methods. But I don't give up on praying. I still get on my knees before Him, humbling myself before my Creator and praying with heartfelt emotions, hoping these prayers float up to heaven and reach God's ears.

* * *

So my prayer, once again, is that I would be able to connect to God in a clearer fashion, not feeling as if my prayer might somehow get lost in the ether universe.

* * *

"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord. In the morning shalt I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up." Psalm 5:3

_____________________________________________________ Update on my tithing journey: I tithed again this paycheck. Only 5%, however. But still, I gave. And when I went online to check my account balance, there was actually an excess of money in my bank account. I don't know how that happened, but I will wait a few days to see if there was maybe a computer gliche or a previous check I'd written didn't clear yet. If that extra money is there permanently, I will tithe the remaining 5% of my paycheck, plus 10% of the extra money that's in my account.

Day 236 - He is the Potter and I am the Clay

Isaiah 64:8

* * *

The pressure of the potter's hands on the clay, bending and shaping the piece of clay into a desired work of art...this is how God shapes us, as well. Sometimes, the pressure feels too great as He bends and shapes us...sometimes, even, in drastic and new designs. He has a purpose for our new design. He has a purpose for our "usefulness." He molds us according to His purpose for our lives.

* * *

Sometimes, we begin to dry and crack...so He washes us with His Holy Spirit, with His word, making us pliable once again.

* * *

Just as a potter would do as he forms a vase or vessel, God places His hands deep inside us to take away any unwanted and hidden thing, smoothing the interior and preparing it for its use. And the process doesn't end here. The potter uses a special tool to trim off (prune) any excess clay, any unwanted parts from on top and around the perimeter. And then the vessel is left to dry for a specified amount of time.

* * *

And then the firing process begins. The potter uses supports and places the vessel into the fiery kiln. Notice, though, that the first firing process has support? God is our support, as well, when we are in our fiery furnace.

* * *

After the piece has been fired for a specified amount of time, then it is left to cool. Once it has cooled, the potter uses a damp cloth or sponge and gently rubs the vessel, removing any remaining debris and imperfections before beginning the final phase: Glazing process. This process is what makes the clay so beautiful and admirable, shiny and attractive.

* * *

The final phase of firing now begins: a long and precarious process wherein the vessel is once again placed into a fiery kiln. If the fire is too hot, the glaze just runs. If the fire is too cold, the glaze won't melt. And then, once all of these steps have been taken, the vessel must be left to cool for several days. What a beautiful picture this paints as symbolism of our faith in Christ!

* * *

God takes His time with us. He knows exactly the type of vessel He wants to mold us into, He knows exactly what pruning and scraping and shaping we will need. He knows exactly the temperature we can withstand in the fiery furnace, and He knows the exact type of glaze to use in order to make us beautiful and attractive and ready for service.

Day 235 - Mentoring

I think I've mentioned that I started up a mentoring group through an on-line community of Christian women I belong to. It's going really, really well. I matched up mentors with mentees, gave instructions on proper mentoring (what to do, what not to do), and told them to enjoy their new relationships with one another in the Lord!

* * *

Well, it's going great overall. The older, more mature Christian women are sidling up alongside newer, younger Christian women and encouraging them through scripture, songs, poems, etc. It's been a real blessing for one pair, in particular.

* * *

The mentor is a 50-something female who is homebound due to medical issues. She joined the group feeling lost and without a sense of purpose, feeling cut off from her world, as well. This mentoring program is just the ticket for her. She has time and energy to sit at her computer, log onto her online world of fellow Christian women, and reach out to her mentee in a very real and consistent manner.

* * *

This mentor contacted me yesterday and shared her story. Her mentee, who joined the online group a while back, has been learning about God and His Holy word through a more personal and one-on-one basis. Things she might not have felt comfortable sharing in a large group environment, she was willing to share one-on-one with her mentor. Just within the past days, this mentee admitted to having been involved in a homosexual relationship for quite a while now, even belonging to a church that taught that homosexuality is okay in God's eyes. But through her mentor, she has come to realize how wrong this is in God's sight and has completely changed her life around.

* * *

Apparently, this mentee had been living with her lover for years. There was a very deep love for one another. So when the mentee turned her life over to Christ a few days ago, this really turned her life around. She moved out of their shared apartment, attended a new church for the first time in years, and is so bent on becoming like Christ that she is changing everything about herself, even her name.

* * *

What a marvelous testimony of how God is using this mentoring program!

* * *

So when I think about my inadequacies in my own life, that maybe I shouldn't pursue a mentoring program at my church, I need to think of this mentor/mentee pair and how God has used their blossoming friendship to encourage a lost soul to the Truth, the Way, and the Life!

* * *

Praise the Lord for this ministry!

* * *

Lord, a fellow Christian believer and I are praying about starting up a mentoring program at our church. We are full of questions, filled with a desire to please You but also realizing our shortcomings in our own lives. So I ask that if this mentoring program is Your will, that You would just move into our souls, touch our hearts, and give us a strong desire to move forward with our planning for the mentoring program. I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 234 (B) My 40th Birthday Party

So I realized that turning 40 had not so much to do with feeling old or elderly as it did with not being youthful any longer. And once I figured out my true anxiety over turning 40, I was able to move forward.

* * *

My middle daughter saw how sad I was at the prospect of having my 40th birthday, so she decided the night before my big day to throw a birthday bash in my honor! She not-so-secretly borrowed my cell phone, went through each contact, and called or texted my friends to invite them to a surprise birthday part to be held the following evening. She spent the next day cleaning our home for the company that would arrive.

* * *

And then -- this part still makes me giggle -- early in the afternoon, she requested that I drive her to the local party supply store so she could pick out some party balloons and crepe paper in order to decorate. Oh, and could I bring along my checkbook? So cute! I drove her to the party store, waited in an aisle while she picked out some wonderful black balloons and black crepe paper, paid for the items with one of my last checks, and then drove to a local grocery store and bought a birthday cake, as well.

* * *

Although I was now aware of the birthday party plans, she refused to tell me who was coming and at what time. I spent my afternoon doing laundry that was piled up on the kitchen floor, just off of our laundry closet, washing dirty dishes in the sink, and sweeping and vacuuming the house. By 4 o'clock, the house was clean and I was preparing for my BIG night. I even left the home so that middle daughter could set up all of the decorations so that would be a surprise for me, too. And while I was off visiting a dear friend of mine and enjoying coffee and conversation, my husband had returned from his day at work and busily set about purchasing pizzas and chips and drinks and other goodies for my get-together.

* * *

At the appropriate time, I drove back home. The front yard had yellow caution tape surrounding it, saying "Beware! Someone's turned 40!" The narrow city streets intersecting at my home were full of parked cars. My heart skipped faster, and as I entered my home, seeing all of the wonderful party decorations, balloons, and flowers, my friends yelled out "Happy Birthday!"

* * *

It was a fine event, for sure. And it was all so wonderfully pulled off by my 11 year old daughter. I was so thankful she devoted herself to doing this for me! I couldn't believe how many friends had been able to attend last minute! Some of those I have been friends with for over 15 years, some of them new friends from our new church, and even the pastor and his wife! I was astounded that so many people care enough for me to come! Thank you, middle daughter, for making me feel so honored and loved on my 40th birthday!

Days 232 - 234 Secret Decoder Ring

Remember the little boy from "Christmas Story" movie? The one who waited expectantly for days on end for his secret decoder ring to arrive in the mail? Every day this anxious and excited little boy ran to the mailbox, breathless and eager to find his package from the Ovaltine company, with his long-awaited decoder device inside.

* * *

For days, he's deflated and let down as he opens the mailbox and finds only bills for his parents. Until...the magical day...his long-awaited and highly anticipated gift arrives!!!

* * *

He runs upstairs to his bedroom desk, tears open the package, and begins the tedious process of decoding the secret message meant just for him! A message that will change his life and forge his destiny!

* * *

With pencil and paper, he quickly but carefully studies and decodes this message, only to discover the message instead says something very generic like, "Drink more Ovaltine." The boy is immediately crushed. His dreams of a larger destiny than the one that awaits him is out of reach because of the generic, all-purpose message meant for millions of other children around the country.

* * *

The Bible, however, IS meant just for me -- (And you, too!) -- with a message that will drastically and forever change your path in life. Although it's meant for millions, God speaks to each of us individually through the written word, through scripture verses that apply to our current circumstances and those that we will someday face in the future.

* * *

"God's saving grace! Jesus Christ's death on the cross! Become a fisher of men! Be ye not conformed to this world! Follow God! Put to death your evil desires! Be humble! Love your enemies! Forge a new and better way on this earth!" These are all God's messages in the Bible meant for each and everyone of us! And guess what? No secret decoder ring needed! Just a humble spirit and a thirst for Christ.

* * *

There are those verses that mesmerize me, escape my ability to comprehend, and I wish I could understand more fully! But if I pray and ask God to reveal to me those things that I do not understand, He is faithful to comply with my request. Either through my pastor, or through a Christian radio talk show, or through my fellow Christian friends, these confusing scriptures become suddenly understandable, and I grasp hold of the idea, the message, and cling to it, longing to play it out in my own life on earth.

* * *

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Ecclesiastes 2:26 says, "To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness."

And my favorite: Proverbs 2:3-5: "Indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

Day 231 - The Last Remaining Day of my 30s...

Today is THE VERY LAST DAY of my 30s decade in life. Tomorrow, when I wake, I will be -- gulp -- 40.

* * *

I'm not sure why turning 40 has been so problematic for me. In fact, I have been worrying about this day since I turned 39 exactly one year ago. Instead of focusing on the fact that 40 years of my life have come and gone -- POOF! -- I should focus on the fact that I still have another 40 years ahead of me (Lord willing).

* * *

It's tough getting older. Well, for me and millions of other women around the globe, it's tough getting older. Age doesn't carry the same...significance, honor, dignity...that it used to carry. I get called "Ma'am" everywhere I go. I hate that word. It's like a swear word to me, really. Please, don't call me "Ma'am." That title is reserved for women who have wrinkles and sagging behinds and wear too much liptstick on their wrinkled lips.

* * *

I laid in bed this morning contemplating how to turn my mind into believing that turning 40 is a GOOD thing. I thought of everything I'm leaving behind me when I turn 40: child bearing is over...raising small babies is over (although truth be told, that one is pleasant to move away from)...a difficult childhood is over...an even more difficult teenage life is over...a struggling young marriage is over (for the most part)...skinny body and cutesy little outfits are over (although that one I shouldn't even concern myself with...right?)...and the expectation of my future and what it would hold is....over? So I'm leaving behind some good things AND some bad things!

* * *

What I have to look forward to:

• more wrinkles


• deteriorating body


• more aches and pains


• mammograms/breast biopsies


• more exercise to keep my body in shape


• raising teenage daughters


• sitting at my office desk day after day and week after week and month after month and year after year


• college tuition for the kids


• boyfriends hanging out on my sofa and hanging all over my daughters


• boys picking up my girls and driving off into the unknown


• weddings for the children


• grandchildren


• walkers with tennis balls on them


• passing gas and thinking nobody else hears


• hair on my chin


• nursing home


• poopy diapers


• arthritic hands so gnarled up that I scare little kids

* * *

See? I just can't see anything positive coming from the next 40 years...except my grandchildren, of course!

* * *

Tomorrow is the "line of demarcation" in my life for me. I hope I cross over it gracefully and not kicking and screaming.

* * *

Lord, I pray that you would take my negative feelings towards the next 40 years and turn them into positive feelings. I pray that you would use me and lead me and guide me. May I not waste a single day but use them to glorify You. Amen.