Day 170 - It's always something!

That's not me, but that's a fellow court stenographer! I feel like that most days, indeed.

Being a court stenographer is pretty nice. The pay is good, the income from transcripts is really great, and I work for a court system where I get benefits like retirement and health plan.

But I buy my own equipment. It's pricey. The steno machine and the software to run it alone is $10,000. Then there's the computer and printer that's required, as well as office supplies, continuing education fees and society dues. That eats my margin of profit like Cookie Monster eats a batch of cookies.

My laptop went kablooey last Friday, and now I'm struggling to find a replacement. I called friends and family to see if they had one. Nobody did. So I ended up having to go online to Dell Computer's website and get a new one. That's another monthly payment in my already stretched to the limit monthly budget.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!!!

My current laptop cost me $1,200 over six years ago. But its HAS lasted six years, which I should be grateful for. My new laptop -- which shows up in about 7 - 10 business days -- costs nearly that much, as well. It has to be top-of-the-line in order to run my court reporting software. (sigh.)

Lord, I know you see these "emergencies" even before I see them. You foresaw that I would need the airline $$$ to fly out to see my mother...and You provided the money by way of an ordered transcript. I know you see this, too. Please, help me pay for this every month. I'm trusting in you. Amen.

Days 167 - 169 Knowing the Bible

My husband and I took our youngest daughter and our "little," Elisabeth, to church today. Elisabeth is part of Big Brothers Big Sisters, and I am her "Big." We have been together for nearly a year now.

Elisabeth is 6 going on 7 years of age. She's a pretty demanding little girl who comes from a broken family. Her parents are divorced and they both live pretty close to poverty level, if they're not already in it. Elisabeth had a set of twin little sisters...but one of them has died. I am uncertain the reason why.

But today Elisabeth sat between me and my husband in church service. She was busy coloring in the church's coloring book while the adults listened to the pastor's sermon. We opened up our Bibles and placed them on our laps. Elisabeth asked, "What're those?" She pointed to our Bibles. I thought for a second that I didn't hear her correctly. "What is this?" and I pointed to my women's devotional bible on my knees. "Yeah, what's that?"

"Well, it's my Bible." I said.

"What's a Bible," Elisabeth asked.

After pausing for a moment...partly in disbelief but partly because I wanted to answer a 6 year old little girl...I said, "The Bible contains God's words to us."

Elisabeth was content with my answer and continued to color her page with a child's Bible character on it.

I was aghast that a child her age did not know what a Bible was. I was also really, really saddened for her.

I hugged her throughout the sermon and songs, played with her long, stringy hair, and smiled often. She enjoyed being between me and my husband. She really enjoyed it when I scooped her up and onto my hip while my husband and I sang our hymns. She sang along, humming mostly because she didn't know the words one bit. I could tell she felt total peace and love. I thanked the Lord for this opportunity.

I'm not sure whether Elisabeth will want to return...she's content mostly to play outdoors and play with dolls when she comes over.

Lord, thank you for allowing Elisabeth to be exposed to Your songs, to Your sermon, to Your church, and to Your Bible. Amen.

____________________________

Update: My mother is not doing well at all. Since finding out that her cancer has, in fact, spread she has not been able to get up off the couch. She is depressed. But also, her body is now not healing well: her mastectomy site has had to be re-drained, which was painful, and her large incision site is leaking frequently. She is feverish and chilled at the same time. She is on new medication that upsets her stomach.

I lie awake at night trying to sleep but end up staring at the ceiling worrying about my poor mother. I long to be with her, to hold her frail hands and pray with her, to encourage her and to care for her. I hate being so many, many states removed from her. Usually, we can talk on the cell phone and all is well. But she is too sick to even speak to me on the phone. Yes, I am very concerned.

Lord, please bring someone into my mother's life who can care for her, encourage her, and pray for her, Amen.

Day 166 - What a Rollercoaster Ride

Mom visited her oncologist yesterday. Apparently, her cancer did spread, despite the initial "negative" diagnosis of her lymph nodes. Officially, it's called metastatic adenocarcinoma.

So now Mom will have to endure more tests to see where this cancer has spread to in her body. And her samples have been sent to somewhere in California for testing to see how aggressive a cancer she has.

So my picture today is the man on the rollercoaster...which is what I feel like lately, and I'm positive Mom most definitely feels this way.

I spent hours crying into my pillow and onto my husband's chest. I don't know how I'd be if my husband wasn't saved right now and able to pray with me. God's timing was perfect on this one.

So...here's to you, Mom...wear your helmet, take a deep breath, and hang on for the ride of your life.

Day 165 - The Holy Ghost

I'm interested in learning more about the Holy Spirit...AKA "Holy Ghost."

But "ghost" sounds so spooky, so I'll use Holy Spirit instead.

I know that on the day of Pentecost commemorates the descent of the Holy Spirit upon the Apostles and other followers of Jesus as described in Acts 2.

Verses 1-6: "And when the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place in one accord, and suddenly there came from heaven a mighty rushing wind and it filled the house where they were sitting. And there appeared unto them cloven tongues like as of fire and it sat on each of them, and they were filled with the Holy Ghost and began to speak with other tongues as the Spirit gave them utterance. And there were dwelling in Jerusalem some Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven. Now when this noise was heard, a multitude came together and were confounded because every man heard them speak in their own language."

I know that the Holy Spirit is God. "God is a Spirit." John 4:24.

Jesus said that a person must be born again of God and of the Spirit. John 3:3-5.

"Repent and be baptized each one of you and repent in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." Acts 2:38.

In my upbringing in the Assembly of God church, speaking in tongues was a common occurrence on Sunday mornings. Then there was an interpretation. Speaking truthfully, I was never comfortable with this. It seemed to me that it was the same people speaking in some language that I could never understand, and then the same people would state the interpretation in English language.

I was raised to believe in this gift of "tongues," but I am not confident that I am truly a believer of this practice...so I'm on a quest to discover this "gift," whether it truly is from God.

I must say, my own dear mother speaks in tongues...I never heard her use it out loud in church, however, but only in the quiet of her bedroom when she was in deep prayer. It did not scare me or confound me. It brought me a sense of peace.

I myself have prayed for this gift on and off over the years.

At one of the altar calls at our Pentecostal church one Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone was willing to receive this gift of tongues, and please come forward. A whole slew of us went forward. I took the end of the row, along the one side of the church's altar.

The pastor went, one-by-one, praying fervently for each believer, placing his shaking palms on top of the person's head, and the person would either end up falling down onto the ground shaking or would begin dancing around for joy and crying.

So one-by-one I watched these events unfurl. I prayed, "Lord, I long to do what is Your will." I admit, I was a bit nervous.

The pastor came to me. He smelled of sweat and had a look of urgency about his eyes when he placed his sweaty palms onto my forehead and spoke a prayer that God would give me this gift of the Holy Ghost. I stood standing.

Then the pastor began to press harder on my forehead, nearly shouting to the Lord on my behalf. Still, I stood. I did not even waver on my legs.

Then the pastor stopped praying, looked me in the eyes, and told me that because I had not received this gift, I must have a huge sin blocking my ability to speak in tongues. And he simply walked away.

I was the only person standing. I was the only person "left out." It was humiliating, to say the least, and quite frustrating.

For the longest time, I truly felt that I had missed asking God to forgive me for a sin I'd committed, or I felt that I was such an inferior Christian because God did not bless me with this.

Now, many, many years later, I am once again searching and longing to know: Who IS this Holy Spirit, anyway? And what is the Holy Spirit's purpose?

So Lord, guide me and teach me. I am longing to know. Amen.

Day 164 - My Holding Pattern

Have you ever experienced this: You're on board an airplane, excited to get to your destination, you've flown through some pretty rough and turbulent skies, you're finally at your destination, but you can't land because your pilot been instructed to stay in a holding pattern before he can land the plane? So you stay strapped into your tiny little airplane seat, scrunched up against some unfamiliar people, yearning to touch down on the land and begin your journey at your destination point...but you can't because you're stuck in this time of just "waiting"?

That's how I feel today, as if I'm in some sort of holding pattern, just waiting and yearning to begin the next journey in my life...but I'm stuck waiting. Waiting for what, I don't even know! All I know is I'm circling the skies, just out of reach of my final destination.

It's not so bad, I guess, being in this holding pattern. At least I've already made it through my last bumpy and turbulent ride where I was strapped in for dear life and holding the arm rests of my airplane seat in a tight grip, trying not to lose my latest meal as my stomach churns and churns, and praying for God's deliverance.

The skies are clear now, the turbulence gone, and I just sit and wait for what's down below.

"Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' " Isaiah 30:21

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage. Yes, wait upon the Lord." Psalm 27:14

Days 160 thru 163 - A Solid, Christian Example

This is a photo of me and my high school BFF, Heather.

We were able to visit on two separate occasions while I was in Ohio. She is truly an inspiration to me!

Heather was raised in a solid Christian home. She attended church regularly and loved every minute of it. Heather loved the Lord with all of her heart and soul, even back in our high school days.

Which is why it amazes me even unto this day that she became my friend. I was T-R-O-U-B-L-E in high school: drinking parties, foul language, involved with a boyfriend way too early, and I came from a broken home.

But despite these differences, Heather became my friend...through thick and thin. She taught me that I was loved, that God would guide me if I asked Him to, and she taught me how to become the person that I am today: in love with the Lord.

Heather wrote me scripture verses on bad days at school, took me to her church a few times, spent the night with me, and took me out for dinners when I would've been at parties with my other friends, if not for her.

Heather showed me unconditional love and a friendship that endures and grows even to this very day.

Looking back, I can't believe her parents allowed her to become my friend. I'm not so certain I would allow my own children to befriend someone like I was. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I wouldn't.

Heather stayed strong in her faith when so many others in our high school could not. She was set apart, even at a young age, for the Lord. She showed me how I could potentially live the same type of life, despite all of the mistakes I'd made.

Even after I'd moved away from my hometown, Heather continued to write me letters and send encouraging cards. When I would find my way back to my hometown every few years, we would get together and share our joys and our trials and tribulations. Each and every time, it was so apparent that the Lord was in total control of Heather's life, and the lives of her family members.

Heather and I shared many things over the years: first proms, first boyfriends and first heartaches, first years in college and our first real jobs, engagement rings and photos of our wedding days, our firstborn children and subsequent children. We've shared marital struggles and blessings beyond our imagination.

Heather was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma last year. She had a 50% chance. Throughout all of her treatments, her sickness from the treatments, and her pain, Heather remained strong in her love for the Lord. She encouraged everyone around her to continue believing in the Lord's provision and love, despite her diagnosis and prognosis.

Heather made it! She has been six months cancer free now. Praise the Lord!

Father God, I want to thank you so much for bringing Heather into my life all those years ago, for the shining example she has been to me, and the loving friend she is to me to this day. Amen.

"Oil and perfume rejoice the heart, so does the sweetness of a friend's counsel that comes from the heart." Proverbs 27:9

Days 158 & 159 - I Shall Not Be Moved

" I Shall Not Be, I Shall Not Be Moved!

I Shall Not Be, I Shall Not Be Moved!

Just Like a Tree That's Planted By The Water...

I Shall Not Be Moved!"

Psalm 62 says: "Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense. I shall not be greatly moved."

My mother is like this tree that's planted by the water. She Shall Not Be Moved! God is her salvation, her rock and her defense. Her soul waits for God. What a shining example to me! Despite her cancer, her surgery, her recovery issues...Mom stands tall and strong! Praise the Lord!

Father, may I be as a tree planted by the water, too...Amen.

Day 157 - Exhausted and Concerned

I know that we are not to be concerned about things, but instead place everything at the Lord's feet and trust that He will guide and lead us.

But I'm concerned and worried for my mother.

The doctor pulled Mom's post-mastectomy drains and tubes, and I don't think it was time. Poor Mom is now swelling from fluid buiild-up, and she has the chills. If it turns into a fever, that isn't good.

So tonight, she is back on the couch and I am back on the recliner.

I am worried, Lord. Her doctor has done some things to my mother that should never have been done, and I am bitter and angry with him. Lord, we trust this doctor to know the best course of treatment for my dear mother...and yet, he has let us down.

God, help us during this situation. Please, strengthen Mom's spirit, give her confidence in You throughout this...don't let my concern and worry show. Heal Mom's body. Help her.

_____________________

My younger sister had surgery two weeks ago and is not doing well, either. I am worried for her recovery. Help her doctor know how to best treat her so that she may heal and feel well again. amen.

______________________

My family in Montana misses me dearly. I pray that You would comfort them and fill them with your peace until I arrive at home in 3 days time. Amen.

______________________

This afternoon, I ran errands with my father for hours on end. Although I was terribly car sick during the first hour or so, I thank the Lord that my father and I were able to be with each other as we accomplished a to-do list.

One item on the to-do list: sign my parents up at the local "senior" center. Ugh. that was hard. My parents....elderly? No way. But they seem excited at this new journey in their lives, so I pray that I would adjust to this switch in my brain.

Mom and I are praying together nightly. We are discussing scripture and having a wonderful time in each other's company. I am visiting with my sisters, visiting with extended family, as well. This was a good idea, coming out here.

Lord...give me strength. Amen.

Day 156 - God's counsel

"I will instruct you and lead you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 32:8

Thank the Lord for His guidance and counsel in my life! There is such a peacefulness that overcomes me when I give it all to the Lord and ask for His guidance. Because I know that He will guide me when I ask Him to.

Today was a good day. I took my younger sister to the podiatrist's office for a bit of toe surgery. I took care of my mother's home. I put a few meals on the table -- albeit I didn't have to cook them but rather reheat leftovers and put together some sandwiches for everyone. I washed ome dishes and spent time with one of my younger nephews, and that's been my day.

My mother had a follow-up appointment with her doctor this afternoon. Her bandages were cared for and her tubes and bulbs were taken out. Now she feels that she can safely sleep in her own bed...without fear of rolling onto her tubes and knocking them out. She's been sleeping on the couch, propped up with pillows and cushions. I have been sleeping next to her in Dad's recliner. That way, if Mom woke up and needed something, I was right there for her. So tonight I will sleep in a bed, too.

My husband sent a photo of my toddler and my eldest daughter snowboarding at the local ski hill. It was the toddler's first time on a snowboard, and I'm told she did great! My husband also took up our middle daughter and one of her friends. Apparently, it was a fabulous day in Montana!

My daughters also tell me that my husband is doing a fine job of taking care of them, so I praise the Lord for this peace of mind while I am here.

Days 154 & 155 - In Ohio

I'm in Ohio! Amish country in the NE portion...near Lake Erie and Pennsylvania. This is a photo of an Amish buggy going down the road in the snow.

This is where I was raised: Farm country in Amish land. Isn't it beautiful?

Mom is recovering well from her matectomy. I can't believe it, but the day following her surgery -- the day I flew from Montana to Ohio -- the hospital released Mom to her home. Tubes and bulb syringes and gauze and bandages...and Tylenol for the pain. Unbelievable! But she's so thankful to be home instead of in that hospital. Beeps and telephone ringing and nurses in and out and an uncomfortable bed. She didn't sleep well, even after the terrible side effects of the anesthesia wore off.

She slept on the couch last night, propped up with pillows and warm blankies and fuzzy socks for warmth. I slept beside her in the La-Z-boy recliner so that if she woke and was in need of something, I'd be right next to her and could help.

She only woke once. She had a fabulous night! Praise the Lord!

Before bedtime, I knelt beside the couch, held her hands, and we prayed together and shed some tears together. What a blessing to have a mother to pray with -- to pray FOR! We read some scripture verses, turned out the lights and dozed off.

My brother is here from Missouri. My eldest sister lives a few towns over, and my youngest sister lives just next door. For the first time in years and years, the four of us siblings are together! I'm just sorry that it took something like cancer to bring us together again.

Back to today.

This morning, we slept in until 8 a.m. I made some hot oatmeal for breakfast and began to organize and clean mom's home. It will be easier for her to rest if the house is neat and tidy, I think. I spent hours cleaning floors, toilets, sinks, counters, cabinets, etc. It felt great!

I even took an afternoon nap in the quiet of the upstairs bedroom...in fact, the very bedroom that used to be mine when I lived here as "Daughter" nearly 20 years ago. Of course, the curtains have changed, the bed is different, and the walls are now purple, but it used to be my very room.

There's something so comforting about being "home." I thought of that this morning as I woke up and remembered where I was..."home." What a feeling of peace that came over me.

I wonder if that's how we'll feel when we get to heaven, as if we are now "home," and we're full of peace and serenity.

This afternoon, all four of us siblings sat together and posed for a photo shoot in the livingroom. How wonderful!

And following, I met some of my former best friends from high school up at the local coffee shop. We hadn't seen each other in four years. We've been meeting up and re-visiting with each of my return trips to Ohio. At first, we shared engagement rings, and then we shared our wedding photos and firstborn children, and then we shared trips to a nearby lake where all of our children swam together...and now, we share our wrinkles and widening bottoms! :)

My family in Montana is doing well...they miss me dearly! Well, I miss them dearly, too. But I can't help but feel excitement, too, at my opportunity to help my mother around her home...and not have to chase after a toddler, or fight fires between my two elder daughters.

Lord, I pray for my family back in Montana, asking that you grant them peace and cooperation as they work to meet each other's needs this week. I pray that my husband would step forward and be the head of the home and meet the needs of my girls during my absence.

I thank You for this opportunity to visit with my mother and father and siblings and friends. Amen.

Day 153 - Lift Jesus Higher!

Last night I was stressed out. What was supposed to be a fun evening at the health club with my husband turned into me pouting and yelling around the house. We didn't go. My husband was totally upset with me. He said he had been looking forward all day to this time together and the health club, and then I spoiled it. And on his birthday, too.

Part of me felt really awful. But part of me was like, "Hey, buddy! Can't you see that I need your help right now getting things prepared and in order before I leave for a week to Ohio to help my mother post-mastectomy?"

So my husband was upset and he ended up pouting on the livingroom sofa, playing a game...and not even helping. He might as well have gone. Ugh!

I really do feel bad that I forgot his birthday and that it didn't work out the way he expected in his mind. But he isn't 12 years old anymore. Reality is what reality is. I called my girls after their school day and asked them to bake a birthday cake and put up a sign for their father. Which they gladly did. But that wasn't enough, in my husband's eyes.

I tried to get dishes and laundry done last night while my toddler was throwing temper tantrums and not obeying. My middle daughter followed me around the house crying and feeling angry because I didn't allow her to go see an "R" rated play that all of her friends were going to. I bathed my toddler against her will...which isn't an easy task. I did ALL of this while my husband sat pouting on the couch and playing a hand-held computer game. Oi!!!

After yelling at husband to get up and at least play with the toddler while I was getting things done, I was able to calm down...thanks to the help of my friend who sent me calming scripture verses and her prayers.

I had resolved to make it up to my husband that night in bed...but as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light. I never gave him a proper birthday present like a good wife should.
Ugh, again!

Today I'm at my office drinking lukewarm coffee and trying to get my thoughts and actions for the day organized. Too much to do! I want to scrub the house clean for the family before I leave, do all of the laundry, make sure some meals are prepared and in the freezer, too.

My flight leaves at 5:45 a.m. tomorrow.

Another thing on my mind is that I felt led to ask some younger women if they would be interested in having a spiritual, Christian mentor to help them through their days...many responded that they desired a mentor...but not many women responded that they would be willing to BE a mentor. So that weighs heavy on my mind today, as well.

Oh, yeah...I nearly forgot to write about the title of my post. This song is an oldie but goodie.

Lift Jesus Higher!

Lift Jesus Higher, Lift Jesus Higher,
Lift Him up for the world to see...
He said if I be lifted up from the earth I will draw all men unto me.

Day 152 - I Have Chosen The Way of Truth

This is a photo of my husband and our eldest daughter. This was taken in early winter up in the mountains. This is about 30 minutes from our home on one-lane dirt road full of ruts and potholes.

This morning, Nanny showed up at the house with a package in her hands with the writings: Happy Birthday. It was for my husband. My heart fell. I'd forgotten! In all the busyness of preparing for my week-long absence from our home, I'd forgotten my husband's birthday. Ugh.

Well, at least he wasn't upset about it. We stood in the dining room, the littlest and I, and sang Happy Birthday song to him. The eldest sang along from the kitchen as she hurriedly prepared her school lunch. And then my middle child ran downstairs and said, "I remembered, Daddy...but you were in the shower when I remembered." wink, wink.

My husband and I hugged, and our toddler said, as she always does whenever he and I are hugging or kissing, "You mar-weed?" "Yes, Darlin, we're married. See our rings?" And then we have to show her our wedding rings. And then she makes one of us pretend to put a wedding ring on her finger, too. Sometimes she wants to be married to her father, and sometimes she wants to be married to me. It's rather funny.

Last night, we attended Wednesday night church again. The pastor is so knowledgeable. I just love how he preaches. We studied Abraham again, this time focusing on Isaac and God's command that Abraham sacrifice his only child.

This morning, when I came to work, my office calendar scripture for the day read: "I have chosen the way of truth." That's from Psalm 119:30.

That's what I've titled my journal entry for today, as well, because I am so glad to be choosing the way of truth for myself.

Thank you, Jesus, for calling me closer to you. Thank you for our new church home. Thank you for the pastor, the outreach programs at this church, and the members of this church who have welcomed us and made us feel so loved. Amen.

Day 151 - What an Encouragement!

This is a photo of my two older girls. It was taken this past summer at their Aunt Mary's home in Indiana.

Remember what an awful day I had yesterday, feeling like such an awful mother?

Well, last night, as my oldest daughter and I were walking the aisles of Safeway and filling the cart with groceries, my eldest said to me that she keeps a journal at school, and that yesterday's topic in her journal was to write about someone who has had a great influence on her life. She then said that the person she wrote about was ME!

I could've died! She then went on to say that I really am a great mom, and she loves how close we are and how easily we can talk about things together. She even said that we're great friends.

Wow! I felt so wonderfully blessed by those words! And then she went on to be her usual 15 year old self by talking about a classmate who passed gas really loud in English class. Silly girl! Teenagers, I have found, can be terrible and marvelous all in the same day.

After loading up the cart with groceries, making sure we got everything necessary for the refrigerator and cupboards for my time away next week when I take care of my mother post-mastectomy, and after we drove home in the sub-zero temps and unloaded all of those bags of groceries and had a late dinner, my middle daughter spontaneously came up to me, hugged me, and said that I was the BEST mother in the whole wide world!

I couldn't believe my ears! Both girls in one night!? I was floored...and on Cloud Nine.

And as if that wasn't enough encouragement, a friend of mine called to ask about my mother's upcoming surgery, and then stated that I was one of the best mothers she knows!

Wow.

Three encouraging people in one day.

Thank you, Father, for those encouraging words about my mothering abilities...especially after such a sad day when I'd felt that I was such a failure.

Lord, you know how hard I try to be the best mother I can be. In fact, that is my prayer almost daily. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sending those encouraging statements my way just when I needed them most. Amen.

Day 150 - Just Another Day in Paradise

Woke up this morning to -8 degrees F. Yep, 8 below zero.

When it gets this cold, it hurts your lungs when you are outside. The bitter cold air burns your nostrils and lungs. And when you walk on the snow at these cold temperatures, it makes an odd "squeak." The colder it is, the higher the squeak.

This morning, our household was chaos and tears. The older girls were rushing around and yelling at each other, we all fought for a time slot in the only bath/shower in our Victorian home, and when the nanny arrived for the toddler, it was a full-blown temper tantrum and tears and boogers.

So I am grateful to be sitting in my quiet, warm office sipping my hot coffee.

Last night, my eldest had a meltdown. She was upset because the house always seems to be disorganized and in need of some attention somewhere. My eldest expects our home to always be neat and tidy and scrubbed to a shine, like her friends' homes. But what my eldest doesn't understand is that her girlfriends are the babies in their families, and sometimes even an only child left living in the home; whereas in our home, there are three children currently residing there...one of whom is a toddler.

My eldest daughter complains we have no extra money for nicer things...but then she will have some girlfriends sleep over, and they destroy something valuable, like our solid marble coffee table that she knocked over, and the slab of marble broke into 3 or 4 jagged pieces. Or the fact that I spend what amounts to nearly another mortgage payment on childcare for the toddler. Or the fact that we lost all of our savings and retirement when our business went south...and now her father is working as a manager of a cafe and hardware store instead of managing an upscale, members' only dining club as he had in the past.

I try so hard to be a good mother, but I fall short with each child we have. So today, I'm a bit saddened, but I also realize that I can't be perfect. I love my children dearly, and that, really, is what counts. They are loved. They are fed every single meal of every single day. They have warm beds on cold nights. They have health. They have Jesus.

Lord, help me to be a good mother and wife and employee. It upsets me when I fall short, in my own eyes and in the eyes of my family members. Amen.

Day 149 - Take My Yoke Upon You

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:29 NKJV

Farmers in ancient Israel used to train an inexperienced ox by yoking it to an experienced one with a wooden harness. The straps around the older animal were tightly drawn. he carried the load. But the yoke around the younger animal was loose. he walked alongside the more mature ox, but his burden was light. In this verse Jesus is saying, "I walk alongside you. We are yoked together. But I pull the weight and carry the burden."

I wonder, how many burdens is Jesus carrying for us that we know nothing about?

* This was taken from Grace For The Moment, Vol. II, by Max Lucado.

Days 147 & 148 - The Untamable Tongue

This is a photo of two of my three children. All of my girls and I had gone sledding one weekend, and this is a photo that was taken.

Today in church, we studied James 3, "The Untamable Tongue."

Verses 6 through 9 say, "The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird of reptile and creature of the sea is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. But no man can tame the tongue. It is unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men."

We often say the worst things to those we love the most. Without a second thought at what is flowing out of our mouths, we can reduce our children, our spouses, and our loved ones to rubble with one sentence spoken in haste. In anger, we shout things we later regret.

We can tame the fiercest lion...yet we cannot tame our tongues.

Father God, please help me to be uplifting, encouraging, and thoughtful when speaking to my loved ones. May I learn to reign in my tongue before speaking words in anger. May others come to know me as an encouraging person full of God's love.

Amen.

Day 146 - Back in the Saddle Again

My husband and I finally made it to the kitchen table at 6:00 a.m. this morning for Bible study. We checked the date of our last morning Bible study: December 23, 2010. Two weeks ago!

This morning, as our hot coffee was before us and our Bibles open on the table and our study guides ready, we studied Proverbs 6.

King Solomon sure was a wise man! He speaks of harlots and adulterers in this chapter, condemning them for their evil and tempting ways.

My husband thought this was quite funny because Solomon had, what, 600 wives and 300 concubines? Sorta didn't jive, in his mind.

But his message is perfect for a monogomous marriage, like mine.

I still cringe when I read words about adultery and how God hates the women who tempt the men into it. Because at one point in my marriage, I was so close to this myself. Thank the Lord I never followed through on it. But I understand how wives can be deceived into thinking that their marriages are so awful, their spouses so insensitive and hurtful, that being in the arms of another man will make all that pain go away.

Again, I praise the Lord it never happened with me.

I am still waiting to purchase my plane ticket out to visit my Mom. We should know today when she is scheduled for her mastectomy and chemotherapy treatments.

I have a wonderful friend that I met online several years ago when we were both expecting our daughters. She is an Independent Baptist pastor's wife. She has been a wonderful Christian woman to help guide me in matters that I don't understand...or question.

Just this morning, she encouraged me to begin tithing. She told me how God has blessed her family for it.

So I am anxious to begin my journey down the tithing path.

Lord, thank you for the time my husband and I spent kneeling before you in prayer, and for the time we spent snuggled up next to each other at the kitchen table studying your word. Please continue to guide us and lead us, give us wisdom in understanding and applying your word to our lives, and may we be a blessing to our friends and family around us. Amen.

Day 145 - Thursday

Can't really get my thoughts together for a good journal entry, so it's just "Thursday."

I have a jumbled mind today. Lots of thoughts and things floating around in my brain. :)

Last night, we attended Wednesday night service. The kids went to their respective youth stuff -- minus my eldest as she stayed home doing homework -- and my husband and I sat in church service.

We're still studying Abraham. Last night, I learned about Melchizadek. I've heard the name before, read scripture about him, but never fully understood much about him. Now I know! Very interesting, indeed!

Which led to the topic of tithing. I had questions for the pastor: "Do you tithe on gross or net income?" "How does one go about tithing 10% of their income, when they hadn't been tithing in the past, their income just barely covers their bills," etc.

His response was to just start somewhere. And he said there's a scripture verse that says that the Lord will bless us if we are faithful in tithing.

I had posted on tithing previously, but haven't started. Christmas was here, extra bills for stuff, and well...that's no excuse.

Also on my mind is my mother's upcoming mastectomy and chemo treatments. I want to fly out to be with her for a week. It's quite expensive, will use up all of my savings, and I will use my only week of vacation time...which means I won't have vacation with my own family this summer.

But...this is something I feel led to do, go out to Mom and help her with bandages, with her sleepless, painful nights, with the house cleaning and cooking meals for her and my father. Plus, I ahven't seen my sisters and aunts/uncles/cousins in over three years. It's time to go.

My teenager is throwing a hissy fit over my being gone for a week. She, of course, feels "put upon" while I'm gone. She has extra chores, she ends up taking care of the toddler whenever I'm away, and the stress of my absence is at times overwhelming on her.

But she can pitch in and do her fair share so that I can take care of Mom. My teenager even made a very ugly remark this morning, "Mom, thousands of women have gone through breast cancer. It's no biggie."

Well, she will feel awful for those words later on in her life, I am sure.

So today, my mother is scheduling her surgery and chemo treatments, then I will schedule my flight out to her.

Lord, I pray for LOTS of things today: I pray for your peace during my absence, I pray that you would convict me strongly regarding tithing, that I may give to back to you...and I pray for your guidance in my family's lives. We need you so much! Amen.

Day 144 - Voice of the Martyrs

Voice of the Martyrs is an world-wide organization that has been serving the persecuted church since 1967.

Heroic Christian martyrs over the centuries did not ask to die. Dying was simply their final act of service in this world. The word "martyr" means witness. As Jesus, our door to heaven, was lifted up, those witnesses who suffer or die today for religious persecution remind us to escape the lure of our world and focus on eternity.

Here in the US we can keep a few Bibles and tracts in our locker at school, in our desk at work, or in the glove box of our car. There is no law against doing this. We can publicly pray to Jesus Christ, we can openly sing songs and worship Him, and we can spread the gospel without fear of retribution.

In other places around the world, such is not the case.

Modern-day martyrs are beaten, their homes are burned down, their family members are killed, and if perhaps they are left alive, they are disowned by not only their families but their own societies.

When Christians are attacked for living out their faith, they are left with nothing.

But we can share Christ's love with destitute, persecuted Christians by donating items and/or money to help a family in need.

And we can pray.

We can pray that our great country will remain a Christian-based country where we are free to worship Christ, and we can pray that other countries that are not so blessed will be granted reprieve of persecution and granted tolerance for the Word of Christ.

My children are amazed and disgusted at the horrific acts brought upon Christians around the globe. Thank you, Jesus, for opening our eyes to this abomination affecting millions around our world. I pray that we would "Remember the prisoners as if chained with them -- those who are mistreated," as we ourselves are in the body, also. Hebrews 13:3.

Day 143 - Cough, Cold, and Curious George

Today my youngest is sick with a pretty nasty cough and cold, so we are at home snuggling up on the couch and watching the toddler DVD "Curious George."

Poor baby has bright red cheeks and a nose that just won't quit running!

Well, it IS that time of year. Everyone has this sickness.

This morning, when I was still at work, I read a neat little story. It was about a judge who ordered a man convicted of drunk driving to put a bumper sticker on his truck that read: "This vehicle driven by a convicted drunk driver."

Obviously, the man was not pleased at the judge's orders. "I'll go to alcohol treatment, but please, don't make me use that bumper sticker."

You see, this man feared the public's opinion of him far greater than he feared God's view of him.

How often do we, as Christians, do the same thing? What would our bumper stickers read: "This woman is a gossiper." Maybe another one might read: "This woman is an adulterer." Or maybe even another might read: "This woman covets her neighbor's new car."

If God were to give you a bumper sticker, what would YOURS read?

Day 142 - Will Winter Never End?!

This is my truck in the parking lot where I work. It's 8:15 a.m.

Most days have been this dark, this cold, and this dreary.

Will winter never end?!

I don't think I've played outside in weeks. It's too cold!

Cold and cough season is officially upon us, as well, and one by one, each family member is taking their turn.

What I wouldn't GIVE to be in some tropical paradise right now, my bare feet in the warm sand, the ocean's tide gently rolling seashells over my toes...

Ah, well...only five more months to wait for warmth and sunshine.

I thank the Lord that our old furnace has been churning warmth throughout our home during these sub-zero days and nights. I thank the Lord for DVDs and books and board games that keep my family occupied. I thank the Lord that the only sickness to strike our household has been the common cold.

Lord, please give me a sunny and warm day to enjoy outside with my kids. Amen.

Day 141 - All I Can Be

Here's a photo taken on Christmas Eve. My three children among a group of my friends' children.

We made a fabulous memory that night! Spending time with wonderful friends, potluck dinner, and making reindeer food for the children. They've been doing it for years...now they do it just because they love the tradition of doing it. :)

I wish I could work less and make more of our own memories and traditions with my children. I find that I am so tired and exhausted when I get home from working all day that all I do is cook dinner, do dishes, and then crash into bed. Five days a week, the same ol' routine.

Weekends come around and it's house cleaning, more dishes, laundry, errands. Not much time for making memories.

We do enjoy the back yard during the summer time, though. Sitting in our lawn chairs in the hot summer evenings while the children play outdoors, tending to our garden and flower beds, riding bikes occasionally around town, walking downtown to local coffee shops and toys shops.

Winter time, we're stuck indoors playing board games and watching family movies.

Despite all I do, my children can guilt me into feeling I'm not doing enough.

"Mommy, you never cuddled me today!" Cries my middle child, despite the fact that I've played board games and/or sat on the couch next to her and watched a family DVD.

"Mom, you aren't any fun like my other friends' parents. All you do is clean and nap and read books," shouts my eldest. Well, her friends' parents aren't working FT and raising three children -- one of whom is 2 years old!

My children can at times back talk me, as well. Or they speak to me disrespectfully.

It's exasperating sometimes. And then I get upset with them, send them to their rooms, and they act as if I'm the worst mother in the world.

Well, I"d like to see them live the life of a poor African child whose father has died of AIDS and whose mother is ill herself and can't work to find food, so they are wandering the streets searching dumpsters for their daily food.

But all my children see is their discontentment. "What have you done for me LATELY?" seems to be their mantra.

So one area I'd like the Lord to help me in is my parenting skills. Either the Lord will show me how to be firmer with my children, now allowing them to guilt-trip me...or He will show me how to improve to better meet their needs.

Father, you have blessed me with three beautiful girls, and I want to do my best. I realize that when they're older, they will have issues with how I parented, despite how hard I tried...but I pray that I would be good to them, loving and kind and tender and gentle and the type of mother You have called me to be. Amen.

Days 139 & 140 - A Happy and Blessed New Year

Happy New Year 2011!!!!!

New Year's Eve we were snug as 5 bugs in a rug on such a cold night. Temps dipped to 10 BELOW zero! We used the new gas/convection stove to cook our roast "beast" along with all the fixins. We even had a fabulous dear, old friend and her two teenager girls over for company.

You can tell I'm getting older because I couldn't stay awake past 10:15 p.m. We rang in the New Year with sparkling cider at that time, kissed our friends good-bye, and made our weary way to bed.

This morning, temps were still hovering below zero.

I spent my morning reading my Bible and praying for the upcomin year, as well as thanking the Lord for getting me through 2010. It was a tough one...except that my husband now believes! The end of the year was smooth sailing, Praise the Lord!

My mother's battle with breast cancer weighs heavy on my mind, but I am confident that the Lord will keep his loving arms around her and that she will recover fully.

I have new friends, ones I met on-line through a Christian Women's Support Group. One in particular, Billie, is my spiritual mentor and Sister in Spirit. We have even "met" online through Skype. What a neat thing!

Today we spent the day cleaning the home, as usual, doing dishes and laundry and cooking, as well as taking care of the youngest.

Here is a photo of our youngest at tonight's tea party. What a blast!

Lord, I pray that you would guide and lead this family down the path that you have chosen for us. May I be a living testament on this earth to your love and your grace, and may I be loving and patient and tender and gentle as I lead others to You. Amen.