Day 29 - Boundaries

Boundaries. That's a word I was not taught about when I was growing up, so it's quite a revelation for me to read about it.

It's been hinted at in my counseling by my therapist...but nobody, NO ONE has ever said, "Boundaries are a healthy part of any good marriage."

Growing up a Christian female, I was taught by many, many, many pastors and wives alike that a godly wife does not enforce her boundaries, but instead acquiesces to the wishes of her husband, regardless. That's what a godly wife must act and behave...

But I am reading a book by CHRISTIAN psychologist MEN (let alone!) who say that everyone has boundaries...sorta like a home owner has boundaries to their land called a "property line." And if you know where the property lines are, you can look up who OWNS the "land." In relationships, ownership is also very important. I know who "owns" things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. A relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership and boundaries. But the most important thing I am learning is this: BOUNDARIES ARE NOT SOMETHING I SET UPON SOMEONE ELSE. BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT MYSELF...PROTECTING MYSELF (MY LAND).

When you build a fence around your yard, you do not build it to figure out the boundaries of your neighbor's yard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. Rather, you build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what hapens to your own property. Personal boundaries are the same: If someone trespasses my personal boundary, I can take control of myself and now allow myself to be hurt.

The most basic words in boundary language are: "No, I don't want to." "No, I don't like that." "Yes, I will." "Yes, I like that."

Your words, or lack of them, define you to another person. We lose property lines when we don't say what we want or feel. It's like a trampled-down fence.

I must make my boundaries only with a pure heart, however. Revenge and Anger (or distance and withdrawal of our love towards someone else in order to punish) is not a healthy way to use our boundaries.

A basic law in setting boundaries is respect for the other. If we wish for others to respect OUR boundaries, then we need to respect THEIRS, as well. Respect fosters love, and loving others means desiring and protecting their freedom of choice.

Marriage makes the law of respect difficult, because when two people marry, two lives blur together to make a new one. In reality, there are two different sets of needs, perspectives, and wills. Respect means allowing the other to feel and be their own person and to not force your own feelings and needs onto the other.

Anyhow, the book is called Boundaries in Marriage, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend...

What I discussed, I learned within the firs 3 chapters of the book. I can't wait to read more!