Days 46 and 47 - A Self-Image in the Image of God

Yesterday was crazy hectic, both at work and at home. So today's blog combines both days.

I am reading the book of Genesis. Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female."

Ruth A. Tucker discusses this passage in "A Self-Image in the Image of God," found in my Women's Daily Devotional reading.

God created man (and woman) in His own image. What an awesome reality that is! There I am in the first chapter of the Bible -- a woman -- distinguished from animals, from my male counterpart, and literally created in the image of God. Certainly womanhood was no afterthought with God.

Unfortunately, that image of God often bears virtually no resemblance to our own self-image. The reason for that is because many of us suffer from a low self-image. But how can our self-image be low when we contemplate the image of God in which we were created? I find that my self-esteem is lowest when I am least reflecting the image of God. My self-esteem has very little to do with the temporary ego-boosting gratification that comes with awards, promotions, bonuses, and new clothes. These are the temporary "uppers" of the "me-generation."

I feel best about myself when I have selflessly reached out to someone in need and given with no thought of reward or "self." It is only when my "self" is submerged that God's image begins to shine forth. Then I have a healthy self-image that truly reflects God's image.

Day 45 - Starting from the Beginning

I decided to start reading the Bible from the beginning, the book of Genesis. Genesis is the foundation for our whole Bible...How God always was, how God created the world, and how God created Man.

I have a handy little study guide to go along with it, and a book called, "It Couldn't Just Happen," by L. Richards. It's a book that de-bunks the "Evolution" theory and other such nonsense and explains how our world began with scientific evidence of a Creator.

Next, I decided to join an on-line group called "FlyLady." FlyLady will help me learn to keep my house in tip-top shape with minimal effort daily. Today's Day 1: Scrub my kitchen sink spotless and make it shine!

Each day, there is another quick and easy task to perform in addition to the previous day's task.

So I'm starting a new beginning with two areas of my life!

And also, the Judge I work for spoke with me today and told me that he intends to hire me on as a permanent employee...although my pay may decrease due to budget cuts.

So I am praying about all three of those things.

Lord, Guide me! Forgive my sins. Amen.

Day 44 - Well, God, Here We Go!

When my husband and I lost our business, I was able to re-enter my former court reporting position that had never filled vacancy. However, I was hired back as a temporary employee for one year's time.

That one year expires on November 9th of this year.

I was informed by the judge that I would be "let go," but then re-hired five days later.

But early this morning, I received an email from Human Resources stating that my time "let go" would be a MINIMUM of five days and possibly much, much longer.

So...here is the change God is leading me through, I guess!

I am quite nervous as I don't yet have a backup plan in place for earning potential to help pay our bills. I am also very concerned for my toddler's nanny who has remained with us through many different work schedules and various amounts of pay. She loves Neathery dearly and treats her as her own granddaughter. This change will effect her, as well.

So if you are reading this...please pray...not only for me and my family...but nanny, as well.

Lord, I am nervous. Please guide me and lead me down the path that you have chosen for me. And guide nanny, as well...I am trusting in you. Amen.

Days 42 and 43 - Make a Joyful Shout!

This blog is a bit too personal to write...but I feel somebody out there just might need to hear my story. It's about depression, that taboo ailment that men and women all over the globe suffer from.

I'm not talking about that down-in-the-dumps type of feeling you might have one day, and then the next you are back up again and able to get through your day.

No, I'm talking chronic, major depression that is either hereditary or comes about as the result of certain life stressors and events. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't focus, you're irritable, you're easily agitated. And it lasts for not one or two days...but weeks and weeks or maybe even months. You feel hopeless and, at times, worthless. And you can't seem to find your way out and into the light of day. Millions of people suffer from this "taboo" ailment. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) reports that 15 million people suffer from depression...or about 8% of the adult population.

Women are especially vulnerable to depression through hormonal or physical changes. According to NAMI, women suffer twice as much from depression as men.

Those numbers are staggering. And I'm one of the 15 million. I suffer from chronic and major depression. I have for years.

Whether it's brought on from an emotional childhood or it was passed down to me by one or both of my parents doesn't matter. But I have it. And now I recongnize that I will always have it.

I was first diagnosed with major depression after the birth of my second child. But then, it was diagnosed as post-partum depression, brought on by the hormone changes after the birth of my child. People used to say, "Just pull yourself out of it!" But I couldn't. And my OB-GYN finally placed me on a low-dose of medication to help me. After about four days of taking the medication, it seemed I had more energy, I had a better outlook on life, and I could take care of my children without crying throughout my day.

The second time I was diagnosed with post-partum depression was after the birth of my third child. I was once again prescribed a low-dose antidepressant. I was able to function normally and take care of my family.

And now, I've been diagnosed a third time. This time, I have been warned not to go off of the antidepressants...to continue taking them.

For quite some time, I prayed my illness to go away. I had others praying for me. But it just worsened and deepened. I had some even tell me that if I was closer to the Lord, my depression would be alleviated and all would be well once again.

I felt so overwhelmed with guilt that I could not make my depression go away...and I was angry with God for not taking it away...until somebody pointed out that just like someone with high blood pressure who takes medication to alleviate their ailment, I could take medication to alleviate my depression.

I don't know why society places such a taboo on depression when it is another medical ailment that our bodies suffer from. Why not take the antidepressant and feel good once again?

So now I'm on my third round of antidepressants...realizing that I might always need to take them. I'm a better mother on them, I'm a better wife on them, I'm a better employee on them. I'm thankful for the person who gave me the courage to face my depression head on and take the necessary steps in making myself well once again. I'm thankful for the doctor who carefully listened to my story and prescribed the dosage that would work best for my situation. And I'm SO thankful to my family for loving me throughout my depressive state...

Lord, your word says in Psalm 100: 1, 2: "Make a joyful shout to the Lord! ... Come before His presence with singing!" I finally feel that I CAN once again...

Day 41 - Out of Town Trip and a Sick Toddler

Last night was scary. My toddler woke with a burning hot body and a fever of 102. We were up most of the night, after giving her a dose of acetaminophen to take down the fever. But all night long, she tossed and turned and fussed. Her little cheeks were bright red, her nose a clear runny liquid.

And today, of all days, I am scheduled to leave for an out-of-town business trip. My first EVER convention. Ugh. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for her at 10:30, my husband will leave his work for the day and relieve me at 11:15 so that I can pack and hit the road by noon.

Just another reason why it stinks to work full-time and try to raise my babies. But...thank the Lord for my health insurance coverage so I can take my sick child in for a doctor visit.

I pray today for God's healing on my baby girl...for safe travels for me...and for a calm and nurturing spirit from my husband towards my children in my absence. Amen.

Day 40 - We Aren't Meant to be Complacent

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to Christian radio. There was a man speaking about how we're not meant to be complacent here on earth...rather, we are to joyfully and eagerly await our time in heaven.

Because if we were ccomplacent here on earth, there would be no reason for our wanting to go to heaven.

I think he's on to something there.

I mean, if I'm complacent in life, I tend to pray less..."fervently"? My prayers tend to be more along the lines of quick "thank-you" prayers, and then I'm up and on my way again.

It's during those agonizing and emotional crises that I am on my knees, crying out to the Lord for His guidance. I am in my bible searching for scripture that will encourage me, uplift me, and help me through my days.

I have said it before in my previous posts that I am always striving to make things "better," which then makes me more content. But that contentment that I feel is always short-lived. There's always something around the corner for me to tackle and deal with head-on. I never understood why God wouldn't just allow my life to be...well...perfect and content. Because if He loved me, He would do so...right?

But now I see that all of my struggles and all of my discontent is maybe by God's design? So that I learn to grow closer to Him and so that I long to be in heaven one day?

EDITED "content" to "complacent" because scripture does say we should be "content"

Day 39 - Lord, Give Me Strength

For some reason, I can't hold it all together...and I haven't for a while now.

Used to be I could handle my struggles far better than I can nowadays. I'm not sure why, at this point in time, everything seems to be exploding in my face.

I kind of liken it to a soldier who is carefully and stealthily making his way across enemy terrain, his every sense on high alert...and then "click," he steps on a land mine...and within a matter of seconds the solid ground beneath him is exploding in all directions with massive force.

That's a pretty explicit and graphic analogy, but the only one that I can think of that truly expresses how I feel with the stressors in my life lately: my teenager, whom I've provided for and nurtured and loved, now seething with hatred for me and the way in which I parent her -- I'm too strict, I'm too mean, her friends don't like me, I never appreciate her, blah, blah, blah. And then there's my 10 year old child who, at every directive by me, stomps her foot or raises her voice and yells back. Or my toddler who shouts "no!" a thousand times a day and runs from me...or my job situation with all of the stress involved with being a full-time working mother.

Thank God, though, my marriage is on a more even keel...because if that, too, were added to the stresses in my life, I think I'd run away. :)

Serenity Prayer -- by Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Living one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, the sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and Supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. Amen.

Matthew 11:29 says this, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart...AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS."

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Lord, I need some more of your peace in my life...Amen.

Day 38 - He gives us Himself

This morning, I read a "Verse for the Day" from my Women's Daily Devotional Bible.

The verse is found in Joshua 1:9: "Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

The Study reads: "Sometimes when we ask God our Why questions, instead of giving us answers, He gives us Himself. "

For example, a conversation the author, Mary Jane Worden, had with her daughter puts this into perspective. Mary Jane's daughter had requested a sleep over at a friend's house. Mary Jane does not allow it, and says to her daughter, "I can give you my reasons, but you won't like them or understand them, and you'd only argue with me. So let's just accept that this is the way it's going to be. I'm sorry you feel sad."

Isn't it like that when we question the Lord..."But why not!?"

God doesn't tell us "why not," but instead says to us, "Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Basically, God is saying, "Because I said so...But remember, I am with you."

Matthew 28:20 explains it, as well: "I am with you always...even to the end of time."

It's hard for me not to ask of God, "But why not?!" Especially when I want to succeed in something that I haven't succeeded in...or when I would like to have a change in my life that I feel would somehow improve my life, but the Lord just isn't opening those doors. I think, worst of all, would be when a loved one is ill, maybe with cancer, and prays diligently for healing...only it doesn't happen. That would really be a time for "But why NOT!?"

We need to remember that God doesn't answer our "why" or "why not" questions...He only asks that we remember that He is right beside us...ALWAYS.

Day 37 - Good Job, Mama!

Leave it to a toddler to always applaud the simplest of things. My two year old will cheer me on when I'm eating a pancake, or when I'm drawing a stick figure with sidewalk chalk, or when I'm hugging her father. Her exact words every time: "Good job, Mama!"

She doesn't scold me for the dirty dishes still sitting in the sink from breakfast two hours ago, or for the endless piles of laundry accumulating in front of the washing machine, or even for the occasional burned supper meal...no, she would never think to criticize me! It's only positive words of encouragement, "Good job!" And it's soooooooo nice to hear. If I'm stressed from a situation at work, or if I'm overwhelmed at the list of household responsibilities awaiting me when I walk in the front door of our house after having worked a full day, or even if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed in the mornings, she never says, "Mama, that's a bad girl!" No, she grins at me with a wide grin only toddlers know how to show, her baby teeth mostly grown in, and blurts out excitedly, "Good job!"

Music to my ears.

Plus, it gives me that extra oomph I need to make it through whatever else I'm facing.

Everybody needs a toddler. Well, except for all of the hard work they can be. I'm talking about how uplifting they are and how unconditionally they love us.

I think we, as adults, need to give others more praise throughout our day. Whether it's to our teenager who has done a load of laundry or mopped the kitchen floor in addition to attending school all day, or our elementary-school-aged child who proudly displays her original piece of art...or even our spouse, who often needs that praise pick-me-up just as much as I do.

Make a concerted effort to give words of praise on a daily basis to others. It could be that one sentence they have needed to hear after a long and stressful day: "Good job!"

Days 35 and 36

No special title today.

Yesterday I spent the day cleaning and vacuuming out my truck and performing other household chores. I'm always amazed at the number of stray Cherrios and Skittles that make their way underneath car seats, underneath the leather truck seats, and into cup holders. But it's now clean (on the inside, anyway) and smelling fresh(er). :)

Last night, my husband and I watched the Christian-based movie, "Fireproof." It's how to save a marriage. It was good...but really, I thought unrealistic. Personally, I think "Boundaries in Marriage" might be better to put into a movie somehow. Because the couple on Fireproof had obviously not established boundaries...which is what led to their near-demise.

Anyhow, today is Sunday and I'm going to take my youngest two girls to a new church. I have been prayerfully considering a new church for a while now. Tried a few out and even thought I'd found my new church home. But the church we've been attending doesn't have much in the way of middle-school-aged activities. And this new church we're going to try out today has a HUGE selection of toddler, elementary, middle-school and high-school aged activities. They also have something called AWANA for the children. Years ago, I used to take my two older girls to this activity. I know there are lots of activities and lots of ways to learn. I just know that my poor girls have been out of a church activity for over two years now, and it's time to get them involved once again.

My husband could care less. I think I've mentioned before that he's not saved. Well, he did say some sort of prayer about 12 years ago...but really no life changes evident, so basically, he is a nonbeliever. Doesn't read his Bible, doesn't pray except the same memorized prayer for dinnertime. He doesn't pray about his day, or for God's guidance...or for our marriage, for that matter. No, my husband flies by the seat of his pants daily. I can't imagine life like that. But wasn't I just there mself for a few years? That's the pot calling the kettle black, for sure.

So today we're trying out this new church and I pray that I would feel welcomed, that my children would feel loved and that we would all feel God's guidance to this new church...or not!

But I'm getting closer, I can feel it. An excitement that builds in my soul that I don't quite understand...

Day 34 - God's shaking things up a bit!

I was up for hours last night. There have been some challenging issues at my workplace lately, making it more and more difficult to stay on.

At first, I prayed that God would make it all better at work, smooth out the rough edges and help me to be content....

But it dawned on my at 2:30 a.m. when I was on my knees praying..."Maybe God is shaking it up a bit, making it uncomfortable for me to work at my present employment...because He's guiding me to something else?"

The moment that realization hit me, I felt peace. I can't explain it. All of the emotional struggles with working full-time, the workplace challenges that keep cropping up and making it insanely difficult to continue on...it's making total sense.

I have been praying now for 34 days that God would take over and guide me and my family towards His will for our lives...so perhaps it's God's way of saying, "Look for something else"?

This morning, I had to take a vacation day just to calm down and re-evaluate my situation. I still had the nanny come by for the toddler, however, so I could truly have a peaceful day with prayer to my God...

(sigh).

Dear Lord,

Please guide me and my family down the path that You have chosen for us. I am trusting in You...

Day 33 - Learning to be Content

Learning to be content is my next focus...besides growing closer to the Lord.

I can't ever remember a time when I've truly been content. My husband pointed this out to me not too long ago...it was hurtful at the time, but he's so right!

See, I always see room for improvement. Always. If the house isn't being run very efficiently, I welcome and/or try to find ways to improve that. If my marriage has struggles, I want to improve it. If my children have poor behavior, I want them to improve it! If I'm struggling with something in my life that just is NOT working...I work to improve it.

So yes, my husband is correct when he says that I'm never content...but there's ALWAYS room for improvement...right?

I found my old handwritten journal from the years 2000 and 2001. I was, at that time, a full-time stay-at-home mom to two young girls. Although most of my entries are positive ones -- discussing silly things the children do, or things that my husband and I are doing together -- there's also entries where I vent my frustrations at certain current situations. And back then, the most discussed frustrations were "lack of money," and the need for improving my marriage.

Fast forward to today, the Year 2010, and my main entries of frustration are about "not having enough time with my children," or areas in my marriage where I can see a need for improvement.

Some people -- okay, mostly my husband -- would say that I'm "the glass-is-half-full" kind of person. Well, alright, maybe my mother would say this same thing about me, too.

But seriously, from the time I was a child, there has been a need for improvement in my life -- from small things to really important things. And without divulging my whole childhood, teenage life, or current married with kids life, this has remained true and steady.

I searched for scriptures on "contentment" and this is what I found.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12 NIV.

And this one:

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have..." Hebrews 13:5

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Lord, please...help me to be content with my current situation. Amen.

Day 32 - Making the Most of Every Opportunity

I admit it: I see a counselor. His name's Eric, and he's an old hippie! Well, he's not THAT old, but he's a "former" hippie, that is...

Eric has long gray hair, balding at the temples. His long, silver hair is always held back in a ponytail. He wears blue jeans and button-down shirts with leather sandals or tennis shoes. He sits in his chair with one leg up over the other, and leans back in a very relaxed kind of pose.

He doesn't take notes but rather grabs his pen and yellow binder from his nearby desk to write a few things down, then puts the tablet back on his messy desk.

His office has house plants strewn throughout. I couldn't even tell you the types. But they're on his windowsill, they're on his filing cabinets, they're on the floor next to his bookshelves.

He has photos of wildlife framed and proudly displayed.

Eric is sooooo laid back. He's one of the gentlest men I know. And when he laughs, it's this deep bellow from his bulging belly.

Sometimes his glasses are dirty and smeared. No matter.

Anyhow, Eric and I had a session yesterday. It's good to discuss things with a non-biased person who can give me a perspective on life that I can't seem to figure out for myself.

For instance, after telling him for the hundredth time how much I HATE working full-time, the stress of that plus taking care of my brood, is just wearing me down like water can wear down a rock.

Eric finally says to me, "You only have one life to live. Live it the best you can. Minimize your stress as best you can."

_____________________________

This morning, when I was reading the Bible, I read Ephesians 5:15: "Be very careful, then, how you live -- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity."

Wow. Thank you for that reinforcement, Lord.

Now, if You'd be so kind as to show me the way?

Day 31 - Teach Me Your Ways

This morning I read Exodus 33:13, "If You are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you..."

I'm so glad I started this one-year journey...I feel more at peace (most of the time) and I feel as if things are slowly beginning to come together...

My husband's new job is working out great so far. He is home in the mornings to help get the children off to school, and he is home in the evenings to spend time with the family...AND he is home every other weekend, which is super nice because we can attend weddings together, or he can take the children to various events, and even help with the yard work and car repairs.

But what I love, as well, is that my husband has every Monday off...which means that my toddler gets to stay at home one more day each week so she's not in full-time daycare.

Now, I truly wish I were the one at home with my toddler...but it's God leading us, not ME leading us...so I just have to trust that God knows what He's doing in this family.

I will continue to work full-time, trusting that God is guiding and leading and that He will lead us down a path that's best for our family, as a whole.

My prayer today is found in Exodus 33. Moses is speaking to God and says, "If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways...." That's MY prayer, as well...

Day 30 - Being Reminded

This morning, I read Psalm 106...the whole chapter. The psalmist was writing in order to remind the Israelites everything God has done for them...out of love for them and through the covenant (promise) He spoke.

Psalm 106 reiterates the ways in which God came to their aid, despite their sinful ways. And God doesn't just do this once, but time and time again.

"They gave no thought to your miracles; they did not remember your many kindnesses, they rebelled by the sea...Yet He saved them for His name's sake," states Psalm 7 - 8.

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for His counsel. They gave in to their desires. They put God to the test." Psalm 13 and 14.

God's response? "So He gave them what they asked for," says verse 15.

Whoa....

The psalmist goes on to discuss various ways in which the Israelites disobeyed God, and God's punishment for this. For the next 30 verses, the psalmist describes ways in which the Israelites bowed down to idols, grumbled against the Lord and despised Him, yoked themselves to false gods, and provoked the Lord to anger with their wicked deeds.

Verse 44, however, shows God's mercy, even after ALL of that: "But He took note of their distress when he heard their cry; for their sake He remembered his covenant and out of his great love, He relented."

Praise God! Despite all of our sins, our shortcomings, and ways in which we disobey God...He forgives and loves us wholeheartedly.

Day 29 - Boundaries

Boundaries. That's a word I was not taught about when I was growing up, so it's quite a revelation for me to read about it.

It's been hinted at in my counseling by my therapist...but nobody, NO ONE has ever said, "Boundaries are a healthy part of any good marriage."

Growing up a Christian female, I was taught by many, many, many pastors and wives alike that a godly wife does not enforce her boundaries, but instead acquiesces to the wishes of her husband, regardless. That's what a godly wife must act and behave...

But I am reading a book by CHRISTIAN psychologist MEN (let alone!) who say that everyone has boundaries...sorta like a home owner has boundaries to their land called a "property line." And if you know where the property lines are, you can look up who OWNS the "land." In relationships, ownership is also very important. I know who "owns" things such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. A relationship like marriage requires each partner to have a sense of ownership and boundaries. But the most important thing I am learning is this: BOUNDARIES ARE NOT SOMETHING I SET UPON SOMEONE ELSE. BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT MYSELF...PROTECTING MYSELF (MY LAND).

When you build a fence around your yard, you do not build it to figure out the boundaries of your neighbor's yard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. Rather, you build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what hapens to your own property. Personal boundaries are the same: If someone trespasses my personal boundary, I can take control of myself and now allow myself to be hurt.

The most basic words in boundary language are: "No, I don't want to." "No, I don't like that." "Yes, I will." "Yes, I like that."

Your words, or lack of them, define you to another person. We lose property lines when we don't say what we want or feel. It's like a trampled-down fence.

I must make my boundaries only with a pure heart, however. Revenge and Anger (or distance and withdrawal of our love towards someone else in order to punish) is not a healthy way to use our boundaries.

A basic law in setting boundaries is respect for the other. If we wish for others to respect OUR boundaries, then we need to respect THEIRS, as well. Respect fosters love, and loving others means desiring and protecting their freedom of choice.

Marriage makes the law of respect difficult, because when two people marry, two lives blur together to make a new one. In reality, there are two different sets of needs, perspectives, and wills. Respect means allowing the other to feel and be their own person and to not force your own feelings and needs onto the other.

Anyhow, the book is called Boundaries in Marriage, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend...

What I discussed, I learned within the firs 3 chapters of the book. I can't wait to read more!

Day 28 - Terrorist Attack Anniversary

Today is Saturday, 9-11...anniversary of the Twin Towers diasaster and the attack on the US. A day of sorrow and pain and hopelessness...a day I'll never forget.

Nine years ago today, I was a stay-at-home mom. My young daughers -- ages 6 and 2 then -- were still in their pj's, and I had a cup of hot coffee in my hands as I watched the morning national news program.

What I saw was shocking and devestating...how would our nation ever recover from such hatred and pain?

Nine years later, and countless personal stories/videos/pictures later, time is beginning to heal. But we will never forget....

"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord." Romans 12:19

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I am still praying and hoping for God to pull this family back together, to guide us and lead us down the path that He has chosen for us. It is Day 28 of my one-year journey to get closer to God and to seek His will for my life...I am here, Lord...I am longing to do Your will...

My Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Your name. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Forgive my sins, and help me to forgive those who have sinned against me. And lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from the Evil One. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory...Forever and Ever. Amen.

Day 27 - Have You Had A Kindness Shown? Pass It On...

"Have You Had A Kindness Shown?" -- author unknown

Have you had a kindness shown?

Pass It on....

'Twas not meant for Thee alone...

Pass It on...

Let it Travel Down the Years,

Let it Wipe Another's Tears,

Until at Last the Deed Appears,

Pass it On...

This poem hangs in my childhood home next to the front door. One of my extended family members meticulously penned it out in fancy script on fancy paper, then framed it and gave it as a gift to my mother years and years ago.

I memorized that poem when I was young. It struck a deep cord within me...the fact that a kind deed can be "passed on."

Once, I was in line at a checkout at the grocery store. In front of me was an elderly woman who had her cart full of carefully picked out groceries. After the cashier gave this gray-haired, hunch-backed grandmotherly figure her total, I could see the surprise in her eyes. She remarked, "Oh, dear. I don't have enough money. I'll have to put most of it back."

The cashier was a bit annoyed. She had been on her feet most of the day, was tired and looking forward to her relief shift, standing nearby.

As the elderly woman began pulling items out of her grocery bags to be taken off of her ticket, I saw how sad she looked. She, too, must've been tired and ready to go back to her home where she could sit in her rocking chair and relax. It must've taken her a while to walk the aisles and place this many items into her basket.

I interrupted: "Here, let me pay. I have extra money in my account, and I would like you to have these groceries."

Both the elderly woman and the cashier were dumbfounded....as well as those standing nearby who heard.

The elderly woman tried to dissuade me...but I wasn't going to budge. I had just received a large check from a recent job, and I really did have a few extra dollars.

"No, this is my gift to you. Just promise me that, in the future, you will Pass It On..."

I paid for her groceries with my personal check. The old woman gave me a smile, and walked out the double sliding doors towards her car with the bag boy in tow.

"Wow, nobody has ever done that before that I know...and I've been here for nearly 10 years," remarked the cashier.

I replied, "Well, it's my pleasure."

I bought my own groceries and left the store, feeling good about myself and the kind deed the Lord had allowed me to perform.

A few days later, a letter addressed to me and from the grocery store was in my mail box. Inside was a check for $100 and a letter that said, "Because of your kind generosity, we would like to thank you, our valued customer."

James 1:27...look that one up!

Day 26 - I'm a Jewel!

Have you ever longed to be loved so dearly that you are likened to a "jewel" or "special treasure"?

In my marriage, I long for that! I want my husband to think of me as his most prized possession! And with my relationship with my children, I long for them to consider me a special treasure...like NO other...with a love for me that exceeds normal relationships.

But...we are human. We fail to show those we love the most how exceptionally wonderful they are, and how absolutely in LOVE we are with them. We can say hurtful words at times, or we can get grouchy and cranky. Thank goodness we also have times of hugs and kisses...or special occasions when a beautiful bouquet of flowers is given to show our love...or a hand-crafted card with words of love are spoken.

I love my children so much! On the day they were born, I counted their fingers and toes, snuggled them tightly at my breast and breathed in their scent...I spent hours just gazing at their beauty, at their uniqueness. And as they get older, I am amazed at their special talents and abilities. I tend to cry at their school performances because I'm so proud...or I will spontaneously hug them and tell them I love them! And because I love them so much, I take care of them, I provide for their needs, and I long to give them gifts that will make them happy.

I read today Malachi 3:17, where God says this: "They will be MY people...they will be my own special treasure"!

Other translations read this way: "They will be MINE...they will be my jewels."

How amazing! God loves ME and YOU so much that He likens us to jewels and treasure! I'm certain that because God loves us so much, he longs to care for us as I long to care for my own children...and I'm certain that because God loves us so much, He is willing to provide for us and care for our needs, as well. God's way of speaking to us is through His holy word, the Bible. Just open it up and you will find verse after verse about His love for us...His longing to take care of us...His longing to have a special relationship with US.

My prayer today is that I would continue to feel "special" in God's eyes and that I would realize the depth of His love for me...

Day 25 - Finding What Pleases the Lord

It's been a great few nights having my husband home. He is still adjusting to family life, though. He gets home from work and eats dinner...and then kind of shuts down and does his own thing, so I have to remind him that there are three children who need help either with homework or with nighttime bath routine...or even just sitting and discussing their days. He went far too long without performing his "fathering" skills, and now he's rusty and needs a bit of a nudge almost nightly.

But other than that, things are smooth sailing...for the most part. The children are back to school, so their routine is pretty consistent now. Which makes it easier for me as their mother. I like consistency and routine.

My scripture verse for today is found in Ephesians 5:10: "and find out what pleases the Lord."

That's exactly what I'm on a quest to do. Not only do I want to grow stronger in my relationship with my Savior, but I want to know how to please my King.

So I pray today that I would be led down the path that God has chosen for me...and that I would find out what pleases the Lord. Amen.

Day 24 - Living next to the Spring

I have an inspirational calendar on my desk at work. It was given to me by a very dear friend about two Christmases ago. You flip the page to the current date, and there is a short scripture and inspirational message.

Today's scripture: "The water I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water sprininging up into everlasting life." John 4:14.

Have you ever heard of pioneers or peoples of the ancient days who trekked through vast deserts or over mountains and through valleys, struggling all along the way and trying to find a place to call "home"? Whether they were pioneers in the mountains or shepherds in the desert, their homes had to be located near a source of water. Without water, we cannot live.

I believe the same is true with our walk with Jesus Christ. He is our soul's source of water...and without this source of water, we shall surely die.

I need to make my "home" near Christ...drink from his fountain daily to sustain my soul. If we don't drink from Christ's fountain daily, our souls begin to parch, to dry out...and after days and days without water, our organs shut down. Our vision becomes blurred, and we can't see clearly. We may even see mirages...but they aren't real.

So I need to come to the everlasting fountain daily, to keep my soul well-nourished and hydrated...which then gives me clear vision throughout my day.

Day 23 - Labor Day

Today is Labor Day, and for the most part, I have rested. I did do dishes and scrub out the refrigerator, do some laundry, and pick up the house, but this afternoon, I have spent at the local park with my kids and enjoying a homemade lunch together.

My husband's new job is going well. Turns out, he'll have every Monday off (for the most part)...which means that our toddler can have one more day at home and NOT with her daycare person. I've mentioned before how much I adore our daycare lady, a retired preschool teacher, but the thought of my child in full-time daycare always put me in a tailspin.

So it looks as if there is a crack of sunshine streaming through the clouds.

I am excited for this new change in our lives.

Thank you, Lord, that my husband will be home on Mondays to care for our toddler...and our school-aged children following their day in school. I feel relieved.

Amen.

Day 22 - Mama Stay Home Wif Me?

This morning -- as with every morning -- my toddler woke up and asked, "Mama stay home wif me?" She's trying to figure out if it's one of my work days or not...whether I'll be at home taking care of her for the day.

That certainly tugs at my heartstrings, for sure. Luckily, it's a stay-at-home day, so I'm not crying. But when she asks me that on my work days, I end up leaving the house with tears welling up in my eyes as she waves good-bye to me from the front room picture window.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you are considering entering or re-entering the work force and you have young children, don't do it. I know, you're considering all of that extra $$$$$ that you sure could use right now. But in all seriousness, by the time you pay for daycare, pay for gas, pay for your work attire and new work shoes, your meals out at restaurants because you're too tired to cook a meal when you get home, and all of your convenience foods at the supermarket (again, because you need to fix meals FAST), it isn't worth it.

You might even end up paying for a housekeeper, as I did a year or two ago, because once I reentered the work force, I couldn't keep up with my housework. And then there was the added expense of my children's school lunches because I didn't have the time to properly make their healthy lunch box lunches...and they were packing lunches that looked like they were packed by...well...a 9 year old child.

My job provides the health insurance for our family. For $15, we can visit a doctor anytime, anywhere. If we end up hospitalized...it's covered. If we need new glasses or a dental visit...covered. Retirement: covered.

But do those added benefits really make up for me placing my toddler in childcare for 9 hours every day while I go off and work? Because her caregiver is raising her...not me. Some full-time working moms, in order to justify their lifestyles, say, "Well, I'm home with my child from 5:15 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. the next morning." Which is true...in a sense. But break that up and really look at those hours, and you're spending 5:15 to, say, 8:30 with your child. Eight-thirty being their bedtime. So that's 3 hours a day with time spent together. Break that up even further, and you're cooking meals (or rushing to a restaurant), doing laundry, running errands...and that 3 hours is even more diminished.

Sad...but true.

I happen to think it's NOT worth it.

But my husband is in disagreement. He says I must. Because he enjoys our fancy Victorian home too much to downsize so I can stay at home.

Source of contention? You betcha.

Anyhow, my study today in God's word is: "Draw near to God...and He will draw near to you." That's found in James 4:8. It really doesn't apply at all to what I discussed today in my blog...but I will trust that in my search to discover God's will for my life...as I draw nearer to Him...he will draw nearer to me. His word says so.

Day 21 - Farmer's Market and Homemade Bread

Today was a fabulous day! It's Saturday AND it's a 3-day weekend due to Labor Day on Monday. So I have time to relax -- "chillax," as my daughters say.

Woke up a bit early. Remember, my toddler doesn't ever sleep in on weekends. (sigh.) Oh, well. Had my French Silk coffee and my middle daughter and I hit up the Farmer's Market together.

We rarely spend time one-on-one, so it was a real treat for my eldest to watch the youngest so I could go with just my 10 year old.

We walked down to the market hand in hand. I looked over at my beaming child. She was wearing her saddle shoes, a pair of fancy socks with lace, a cute little peasant skirt, and a sweater. Her hair, which has been cut into a 1960s inverted bob (higher in the back and longer at the ears) matches mine. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. I pulled a $20 out of my checking account a tad bit hesitantly. I know how tight money is...but I really, really longed to spend a great morning with my daughter at the market.

The market was packed by 10 a.m. Fresh fruits and vegetable stands, homemade breads and jams, the "honey man" as we call him with his locally-made honey. Even a few locals playing guitars or violins. We strolled along looking at various stands. Some even sold hand-crafted jewelry. We purchased some farm fresh eggs, a couple of sun-ripened tomatoes, and a few red onions and ears of sweet corn. Filled my cloth shopping bag to the brim, turned and headed towards the local coffee shop where we sat and had specialty teas made with the actual tea leaves.

It was a marvelous morning, for sure, just me and my middle daughter.

Later on this morning, we cooked a fresh scrambled egg breakfast using our locally bought produce.

And by early afternoon, all three of my girls and I took a casual walk downtown to the public library...closed for the extended holiday weekend. Turned around and headed home, but made a pitstop at the homemade ice cream shop on our way.

A storm blew in. Rain and dark clouds. I took a quick nap when my toddler went down for hers. She's still sleeping, in fact, while I sit and type this out.

My husband and middle daughter are at the athletic club...swimming in the hot springs pool and using the exercise equipment. My eldest daughter is walking around the house, picking things up and asking when we can drop off some boxes of things to the Goodwill.

I started baking homemade white bread. The bread is rising now. It's the same recipe we used earlier this summer when my mother came out for a visit. She had to show me how to bake homemade bread. I hadn't baked a loaf since probably 11th grade in high school!

The storm has passed now and the sun is again peeking out of the sky. My dishwasher hums as it cleans my dirty dishes for me, my bread is rising on the oven, and the smell of rain-soaked earth floats into my open kitchen windows.

Yes, it's been a good day. Praise the Lord...:)

Day 20 - Finding My Joy Again

I don't know if it has something to do with getting older, or perhaps it's a "change" coming about me as I approach the age of 40, but somewhere along the way, I also lost my joy. In retrospect, I think I lost my joy at the same time I lost the Lord...well, my relationship with the Lord.

I long to be joyful again...to see the beauty in life, the beauty in my home, the beauty in my family, the beauty in "being" and "existing."

I used to enjoy church. I used to enjoy reading my Bible. I used to enjoy praying for others. I used to enjoy my days at home with my children. I found joy at the library when we'd snuggle up and read books. I found joy taking walks down nearby paths, my young children excited to find butterflies and pinecones and bugs. I used to enjoy performing my housekeeping duties. I used to enjoy baking cookies and cupcakes...or cooking meals for my family. I used to enjoy even the simplest of things like washing, folding and putting away my family's laundry. I even used to enjoy ironing my husband's work shirts...starching them up crisp and wrinkle-free.

I used to enjoy teaching Sunday School for elementary-aged children. I used to enjoy volunteering at the local nursing home where I fell in love with a blind and frail elderly woman named Hazel.

Oh, I most definitely had my fair share of struggles and obstacles to overcome. But I had a joy about life that is completely missing at this point in my life.

So...where did my joy go? And how can I get it back?

I think maybe it's tied into my relationship with Christ. So logically thinking, since I am making a concerted effort to make my way back into a strong relationship with Him, I should be able to find my joy once I do so...right?

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me. And He heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock and established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth -- Praise to our God!" (Psalm 40:1-3).

"But let all those who take refuge and put their trust in You rejoice! Let them ever sing and shout for joy, because You make a covering over them and defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You and be in high spirits." Psalm 5:11

Day 19 - Thursday

I don't know how else to title today's blog but state that it's "Thursday," LOL.

My husband was home yesterday evening and we spent some good family time together. We ate leftover chili, did some dishes, and then washed up the children, tucked them into their beds, and went to bed ourselves. It was so nice to have my spouse next to me the whole evening through. We discussed our days, we laughed at funny things the children did, and we relaxed out back on our lounge chairs in the sprinkling (chilly) rain and ate a bowl of popcorn. I even got to say, "Good night."

It's so weird that we spent the last 11 months (or so) not being able to do that kind of stuff together...as a family. And here we have the opportunity to behave like a REAL family once again. Thank you, Lord.

I woke up this morning, made some coffee, and stood next to the refrigerator looking at old photographs of my older girls when they were quite young. In fact, one photograph is of my 10 year old daughter when she was under one year old. She's in her bathing suit, with her pacificer dangling out of her mouth, and she is throwing the worst temper tantrum! It's just too cute!

Another photo shows my older two girls about five years ago, posing for a photograph together at a scenic look-out here in Montana...mountains behind them. I remember that trip clearly.

And yet another shows my youngest daughter when she was but a tiny little thing, barely old enough to open her eyes and look around.

My! Time flies!

I immediately thanked God for my girls. But I had one request: "Please, Lord, give me more time with them before they're grown and gone." Because my eldest is nearly grown and gone...my middle child is growing legs like a young foal...and my littlest is jumping hurdles daily...all while I'm working full-time.

God, you know that you called me to be a mother from a young age. I knew it when I was a little girl. I played "Mommy" to my dolls, took care of the neighborhood children, and had a deep desire to be my own mother one day.

I take this job very seriously. I'm not like other moms who cry out frantically, "I can't WAIT until these children are gone!"

No, I long to be with them, to share memories with them, to help them grow and become women of God.

Please, if it is your will, let me have more time with my children before they're grown...and gone.

Amen.

Day 18 - My Dream

Did you ever enjoy something so much that you wanted to share it with the world? Well, that's me. I love eco-parenting so much, I want to share it with the world, too.

A few years ago, I wanted to start up a cloth diapering service in town. I'm a HUGE advocate for cloth diapers...and I was trying to figure out a stay-at-home job so I wouldn't have to place my youngest into daycare system. This home business seemed perfect! I would set up an extra washer and dryer in my basement and start doing business! I bought business cards, some basic items necessary to start up such a business, put out just a couple brochures...and then moved. Ha Ha! We packed up and moved to another town.

Ten years ago, I wanted to start up a business called "Helping Hands," where I would, for a small fee, clean your home and cook a meal for you. Maybe even do your grocery shopping and errand-running, as well. I thought it was the PERFECT idea...until I shared my idea with my former pastor...who basically reamed me and told me that if I were a true Christian, I'd do it all for free.

So I went back to an office job part-time instead.

And now...I'd like to start a local group for moms who are interested in being more eco-friendly...and doing a diaper business...and selling my own cloth diapers using up-cycled materials. I'd like to sell earth-friendly feminine cloth products, too.

But it seems everywhere I turn, there's a door slammed in my face...or somebody says, "That would never work."

I would like to quit my 8-5 day job and stay home again with my children., My eldest is nearly grown and gone...my middle child will be facing some tough peer pressure problems...and my youngest child is being reared by someone else.

Part of me says, "Kim, be thankful for your job! It pays good money...provides wonderful health benefits and retirement plans. Your children are JUST FINE."

But another part of me is screaming to fulfill my dream.

So...I will pray over the next year...asking God to guide me and direct me. If this dream of mine lines up with His will for my life, may it happen! If not, I pray that He would close all doors.