Day 238 - Do I Go Left or Right???

Sometimes God's voice isn't all that clear or audible. Sometimes, even despite my best efforts at praying for His guidance, I still feel as if I'm at a crossroads. There's no concrete direction that I should take.

* * *

Do I go left? Or Do I go right? I pray some more. I ask friends and family. Some advise me one way, some advise me the other. And then I'm still left standing at the crossroads with a bewildered look on my face.

* * *

I have felt led by God these past seven or eight months in a variety of ways: adoption, fostering, trying to become a stay-at-home-mom again. Each time I felt led, I prayed and asked God to guide me and lead me, to shut the doors when something is not in line with His will.

* * *

We couldn't adopt. Because of my history of depression and my depression medication -- although it's the lowest dose they prescribe and my doctor jokes it couldn't help a mouse so she doesn't understand how it's helping me -- shuts the door on adoption. Then I thought, "Well, let's try the foster care route!" My husband was all for it, the Bible clearly tells us to take care of orphans, so this MUST be it! Right??? Nope. Not it, either. After weeks and weeks of filling out paperwork, getting fingerprinted, having background checks performed and all the other hoops foster parents must jump through to become certified...even this fell through and a door was shut.

* * *

See, I just don't want to let my Lord down in any way. I want Him to know that when He calls me, I will be ready and I will go where He is leading. So every time I even think He might be tugging at me to go a certain direction, I don't waver for a moment. I jump into the task at hand, whole-heartedly giving myself and my time to seeking His will.

* * *

And maybe that's His plan? To hint at something I must do...and will I be immediately obedient in doing it?

* * *

My husband and I have indepth conversations about me mentoring other women. He seems to think this truly is my ministry on earth since everything has just kind of fallen into place so easily and there are so many women who reach out to me. The problem is: I have zero training for women's ministries. I stumble for the right words of comfort, for the exact scripture Christ would have me to share to help assuage the situation...

* * *

My husband suggested getting a women's mentoring book to study. So while I was online searching for a fabulous mentoring book, I came across online colleges that offer degress in counseling...one in particular offering a Bachelor's Degree in Women's Ministries! My heart beat quicker as I dialed my husband at work. His reaction? He is all for it! He says this could be God leading me to do Women's Ministries!

* * *

I have never once in all my 40 years thought that I could be in women's ministries...in fact, I've felt my calling in other areas of my life, like with children's ministries or working with the elderly. But I am burned out on toddlers and children at this point in my life, and working with the elderly brought me such pain and heartache when I volunteered at the local nursing home.

* * *

I've had people mention that if women's ministries is not something I've ever felt called to do before recently, then why would I think God is calling me to do it now? At this age and stage of my life, especially?

* * *

Well, I see Saul walking down the dusty and dirty road, a mature man with a set plan for his own life...and suddenly, God calls to him and changes him instantaneously! From the week forward, he is new! He has focus! He has drive!

* * *

I posted previously about not wanting to be a ship without a rudder, or a captain of a ship without a destination port. So Lord, I ask that You would guide me in all things, that You might use me on this earth for Your Kingdom. Amen.

Day 237 - Slow-Speed Dial-Up Prayer Connection

Remember the old days of dial-up internet connection? You would hit the "connect to internet" button, and there would be a series of bleeps and blurps, and then about 30 seconds later, your unstable connection to the internet?

* * *

That's how I feel my prayer life with God is, sometimes. I'm on my knees, connecting with my Lord through prayer, but I feel as if I'm on slow-speed dial-up connection. A few moments of trying to connect, and then there's a connection established, but it's crackly and unstable at times.

* * *

And remember the old days of international phone calls? The phone calls where a series of clicks were made to connect you overseas, and then once the connection was made to the party you're calling, you had to shout to be heard? Yeah, that's me and God sometimes, too.

* * *

I've always been a bit jealous at those people who seem to have a lightning fast high-speed connection with God. They speak and before their opening words are even out of their mouths, God is immediately on the other end with a crystal clear connection. And they ask a prayer or speak a prayer one time, and within moments, God has answered.

* * *

I've asked God for a high-speed internet access with Him. But twenty years later, I'm still tapping out Morse Code or using a DOS software program while everyone else is "prayer savvy" and using the newest and most efficient methods. But I don't give up on praying. I still get on my knees before Him, humbling myself before my Creator and praying with heartfelt emotions, hoping these prayers float up to heaven and reach God's ears.

* * *

So my prayer, once again, is that I would be able to connect to God in a clearer fashion, not feeling as if my prayer might somehow get lost in the ether universe.

* * *

"My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord. In the morning shalt I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up." Psalm 5:3

_____________________________________________________ Update on my tithing journey: I tithed again this paycheck. Only 5%, however. But still, I gave. And when I went online to check my account balance, there was actually an excess of money in my bank account. I don't know how that happened, but I will wait a few days to see if there was maybe a computer gliche or a previous check I'd written didn't clear yet. If that extra money is there permanently, I will tithe the remaining 5% of my paycheck, plus 10% of the extra money that's in my account.

Day 236 - He is the Potter and I am the Clay

Isaiah 64:8

* * *

The pressure of the potter's hands on the clay, bending and shaping the piece of clay into a desired work of art...this is how God shapes us, as well. Sometimes, the pressure feels too great as He bends and shapes us...sometimes, even, in drastic and new designs. He has a purpose for our new design. He has a purpose for our "usefulness." He molds us according to His purpose for our lives.

* * *

Sometimes, we begin to dry and crack...so He washes us with His Holy Spirit, with His word, making us pliable once again.

* * *

Just as a potter would do as he forms a vase or vessel, God places His hands deep inside us to take away any unwanted and hidden thing, smoothing the interior and preparing it for its use. And the process doesn't end here. The potter uses a special tool to trim off (prune) any excess clay, any unwanted parts from on top and around the perimeter. And then the vessel is left to dry for a specified amount of time.

* * *

And then the firing process begins. The potter uses supports and places the vessel into the fiery kiln. Notice, though, that the first firing process has support? God is our support, as well, when we are in our fiery furnace.

* * *

After the piece has been fired for a specified amount of time, then it is left to cool. Once it has cooled, the potter uses a damp cloth or sponge and gently rubs the vessel, removing any remaining debris and imperfections before beginning the final phase: Glazing process. This process is what makes the clay so beautiful and admirable, shiny and attractive.

* * *

The final phase of firing now begins: a long and precarious process wherein the vessel is once again placed into a fiery kiln. If the fire is too hot, the glaze just runs. If the fire is too cold, the glaze won't melt. And then, once all of these steps have been taken, the vessel must be left to cool for several days. What a beautiful picture this paints as symbolism of our faith in Christ!

* * *

God takes His time with us. He knows exactly the type of vessel He wants to mold us into, He knows exactly what pruning and scraping and shaping we will need. He knows exactly the temperature we can withstand in the fiery furnace, and He knows the exact type of glaze to use in order to make us beautiful and attractive and ready for service.

Day 235 - Mentoring

I think I've mentioned that I started up a mentoring group through an on-line community of Christian women I belong to. It's going really, really well. I matched up mentors with mentees, gave instructions on proper mentoring (what to do, what not to do), and told them to enjoy their new relationships with one another in the Lord!

* * *

Well, it's going great overall. The older, more mature Christian women are sidling up alongside newer, younger Christian women and encouraging them through scripture, songs, poems, etc. It's been a real blessing for one pair, in particular.

* * *

The mentor is a 50-something female who is homebound due to medical issues. She joined the group feeling lost and without a sense of purpose, feeling cut off from her world, as well. This mentoring program is just the ticket for her. She has time and energy to sit at her computer, log onto her online world of fellow Christian women, and reach out to her mentee in a very real and consistent manner.

* * *

This mentor contacted me yesterday and shared her story. Her mentee, who joined the online group a while back, has been learning about God and His Holy word through a more personal and one-on-one basis. Things she might not have felt comfortable sharing in a large group environment, she was willing to share one-on-one with her mentor. Just within the past days, this mentee admitted to having been involved in a homosexual relationship for quite a while now, even belonging to a church that taught that homosexuality is okay in God's eyes. But through her mentor, she has come to realize how wrong this is in God's sight and has completely changed her life around.

* * *

Apparently, this mentee had been living with her lover for years. There was a very deep love for one another. So when the mentee turned her life over to Christ a few days ago, this really turned her life around. She moved out of their shared apartment, attended a new church for the first time in years, and is so bent on becoming like Christ that she is changing everything about herself, even her name.

* * *

What a marvelous testimony of how God is using this mentoring program!

* * *

So when I think about my inadequacies in my own life, that maybe I shouldn't pursue a mentoring program at my church, I need to think of this mentor/mentee pair and how God has used their blossoming friendship to encourage a lost soul to the Truth, the Way, and the Life!

* * *

Praise the Lord for this ministry!

* * *

Lord, a fellow Christian believer and I are praying about starting up a mentoring program at our church. We are full of questions, filled with a desire to please You but also realizing our shortcomings in our own lives. So I ask that if this mentoring program is Your will, that You would just move into our souls, touch our hearts, and give us a strong desire to move forward with our planning for the mentoring program. I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 234 (B) My 40th Birthday Party

So I realized that turning 40 had not so much to do with feeling old or elderly as it did with not being youthful any longer. And once I figured out my true anxiety over turning 40, I was able to move forward.

* * *

My middle daughter saw how sad I was at the prospect of having my 40th birthday, so she decided the night before my big day to throw a birthday bash in my honor! She not-so-secretly borrowed my cell phone, went through each contact, and called or texted my friends to invite them to a surprise birthday part to be held the following evening. She spent the next day cleaning our home for the company that would arrive.

* * *

And then -- this part still makes me giggle -- early in the afternoon, she requested that I drive her to the local party supply store so she could pick out some party balloons and crepe paper in order to decorate. Oh, and could I bring along my checkbook? So cute! I drove her to the party store, waited in an aisle while she picked out some wonderful black balloons and black crepe paper, paid for the items with one of my last checks, and then drove to a local grocery store and bought a birthday cake, as well.

* * *

Although I was now aware of the birthday party plans, she refused to tell me who was coming and at what time. I spent my afternoon doing laundry that was piled up on the kitchen floor, just off of our laundry closet, washing dirty dishes in the sink, and sweeping and vacuuming the house. By 4 o'clock, the house was clean and I was preparing for my BIG night. I even left the home so that middle daughter could set up all of the decorations so that would be a surprise for me, too. And while I was off visiting a dear friend of mine and enjoying coffee and conversation, my husband had returned from his day at work and busily set about purchasing pizzas and chips and drinks and other goodies for my get-together.

* * *

At the appropriate time, I drove back home. The front yard had yellow caution tape surrounding it, saying "Beware! Someone's turned 40!" The narrow city streets intersecting at my home were full of parked cars. My heart skipped faster, and as I entered my home, seeing all of the wonderful party decorations, balloons, and flowers, my friends yelled out "Happy Birthday!"

* * *

It was a fine event, for sure. And it was all so wonderfully pulled off by my 11 year old daughter. I was so thankful she devoted herself to doing this for me! I couldn't believe how many friends had been able to attend last minute! Some of those I have been friends with for over 15 years, some of them new friends from our new church, and even the pastor and his wife! I was astounded that so many people care enough for me to come! Thank you, middle daughter, for making me feel so honored and loved on my 40th birthday!

Days 232 - 234 Secret Decoder Ring

Remember the little boy from "Christmas Story" movie? The one who waited expectantly for days on end for his secret decoder ring to arrive in the mail? Every day this anxious and excited little boy ran to the mailbox, breathless and eager to find his package from the Ovaltine company, with his long-awaited decoder device inside.

* * *

For days, he's deflated and let down as he opens the mailbox and finds only bills for his parents. Until...the magical day...his long-awaited and highly anticipated gift arrives!!!

* * *

He runs upstairs to his bedroom desk, tears open the package, and begins the tedious process of decoding the secret message meant just for him! A message that will change his life and forge his destiny!

* * *

With pencil and paper, he quickly but carefully studies and decodes this message, only to discover the message instead says something very generic like, "Drink more Ovaltine." The boy is immediately crushed. His dreams of a larger destiny than the one that awaits him is out of reach because of the generic, all-purpose message meant for millions of other children around the country.

* * *

The Bible, however, IS meant just for me -- (And you, too!) -- with a message that will drastically and forever change your path in life. Although it's meant for millions, God speaks to each of us individually through the written word, through scripture verses that apply to our current circumstances and those that we will someday face in the future.

* * *

"God's saving grace! Jesus Christ's death on the cross! Become a fisher of men! Be ye not conformed to this world! Follow God! Put to death your evil desires! Be humble! Love your enemies! Forge a new and better way on this earth!" These are all God's messages in the Bible meant for each and everyone of us! And guess what? No secret decoder ring needed! Just a humble spirit and a thirst for Christ.

* * *

There are those verses that mesmerize me, escape my ability to comprehend, and I wish I could understand more fully! But if I pray and ask God to reveal to me those things that I do not understand, He is faithful to comply with my request. Either through my pastor, or through a Christian radio talk show, or through my fellow Christian friends, these confusing scriptures become suddenly understandable, and I grasp hold of the idea, the message, and cling to it, longing to play it out in my own life on earth.

* * *

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Ecclesiastes 2:26 says, "To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness."

And my favorite: Proverbs 2:3-5: "Indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

Day 231 - The Last Remaining Day of my 30s...

Today is THE VERY LAST DAY of my 30s decade in life. Tomorrow, when I wake, I will be -- gulp -- 40.

* * *

I'm not sure why turning 40 has been so problematic for me. In fact, I have been worrying about this day since I turned 39 exactly one year ago. Instead of focusing on the fact that 40 years of my life have come and gone -- POOF! -- I should focus on the fact that I still have another 40 years ahead of me (Lord willing).

* * *

It's tough getting older. Well, for me and millions of other women around the globe, it's tough getting older. Age doesn't carry the same...significance, honor, dignity...that it used to carry. I get called "Ma'am" everywhere I go. I hate that word. It's like a swear word to me, really. Please, don't call me "Ma'am." That title is reserved for women who have wrinkles and sagging behinds and wear too much liptstick on their wrinkled lips.

* * *

I laid in bed this morning contemplating how to turn my mind into believing that turning 40 is a GOOD thing. I thought of everything I'm leaving behind me when I turn 40: child bearing is over...raising small babies is over (although truth be told, that one is pleasant to move away from)...a difficult childhood is over...an even more difficult teenage life is over...a struggling young marriage is over (for the most part)...skinny body and cutesy little outfits are over (although that one I shouldn't even concern myself with...right?)...and the expectation of my future and what it would hold is....over? So I'm leaving behind some good things AND some bad things!

* * *

What I have to look forward to:

• more wrinkles


• deteriorating body


• more aches and pains


• mammograms/breast biopsies


• more exercise to keep my body in shape


• raising teenage daughters


• sitting at my office desk day after day and week after week and month after month and year after year


• college tuition for the kids


• boyfriends hanging out on my sofa and hanging all over my daughters


• boys picking up my girls and driving off into the unknown


• weddings for the children


• grandchildren


• walkers with tennis balls on them


• passing gas and thinking nobody else hears


• hair on my chin


• nursing home


• poopy diapers


• arthritic hands so gnarled up that I scare little kids

* * *

See? I just can't see anything positive coming from the next 40 years...except my grandchildren, of course!

* * *

Tomorrow is the "line of demarcation" in my life for me. I hope I cross over it gracefully and not kicking and screaming.

* * *

Lord, I pray that you would take my negative feelings towards the next 40 years and turn them into positive feelings. I pray that you would use me and lead me and guide me. May I not waste a single day but use them to glorify You. Amen.