Day 188 - Remembering the Pain of the Past

"Forgive and forget," is the how the old saying goes.

But really...how realistic is that?

I have forgiven my husband for the pain in our past; his vow to love me on our wedding day and then his inability to show it...his anger...his disconnect from me and the children...his selfishness...his controlling attitude...the continuous knot in the pit of my stomach for years and years.

I thought I was past all of that hurt...

But last night, we watched an old VHS film converted to DVD of our eldest daughter as a newborn babe. There I was, all of 24 years of age...plumper than normal because of leftover weight from my pregnancy, dark circles underneath my eyes, taking care of our newborn baby...stating that baby has been getting up at night every 1-1/2 hours to nurse...struggling to hold it all together...and my husband refusing to step in and help me. Even turning away from me when I asked for his help.

There it was all played out on our new, large TV screen for me to see...

The knot in my stomach returned...the anger beginning to swell like an ocean wave in my soul...the shock at seeing it played out in front of me...it was simply too much. I detached myself from my husband yesterday evening, turned away from him while we slept in our bed, and lay awake most of the night with tears in my eyes.

I can't believe I lived like that. I can't believe our marriage was that dysfunctional, and I stayed. I don't know how I had the to strength to wake up every day and face my marriage or my life.

I cried last night for that young "me" stuck in such a marriage. I cried for the years I spent sharing a marriage bed with such a man. I cried for my daughter who desperately needed a father who held her daily, cooed at her daily, loved on her daily. Instead, she had a disconnected, selfish, insensitive, angry father for years and years. And I cried for myself because I wish things would've been different.

Well, I woke up this morning and prayed. The tears poured out like Niagara Falls. I prayed that I would not hold a grudge against my "new" husband, that I would forget the past and be able to move through my day without that all-too-familiar knot in my stomach...I even asked my husband to forgive me for feeling this way.

If I had it all to do over again...I think I would've left my husband in those early years. The pain was simply too much to bear.

I am reminded of the scripture verse that says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men who sin against you, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15.

But...how do we as human beings learn to let go of the pain of the past and not be reminded of it again?

So that is my prayer today, that God would show me how to move past the painful past and remember it no more...