Day 199 (b) Ants in My Pants

I was not created to lead a quiet and simple life.

Maybe it's because I was raised in a dysfunctional home and things were never peaceful or at rest that I long for the excitement of adventure in my own adult life.

Maybe it's because God is forever calling me for more, more, more...and I am SO excited to serve!

Sitting at my office desk Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., sure is a nice way to pay my bills and provide health insurance...but I long for adventure and a sense of purpose beyond my office walls.

Work all day, walk into the house at 5:30 exhausted and cranky...tired by 8:30 p.m. so I hit the hay...and do it just the same way five days in a row.

Weekend hits and I'm a zombie in my jammies all day Saturday...barely able to get through my day because I need time to unwind and relax. Sunday rolls around, hop out of bed, throw breakfast on the table, hop in the car and go to church, then it's nap time, then I have a few hours to spend before it's dinner and bed.

And then Monday morning comes once again!

I swear, it's like the movie "Groundhog Day," where the alarm goes off and every single stinking day is the same routine.

Ugh.

I really don't think I can do this for the next 10 years. I will literally go insane.

God, you have created me with a sense of adventure and a sense of deep purpose here on this earth...and I am sitting in my box-shaped office typing out reports and sitting in trials. I really do appreciate this job, don't get me wrong. It pays our bills, buys us groceries, and gives us much-needed health insurance.

But...is this it? Same thing day in and day out?

Seriously...am I forever to be waking up and thinking, "Ugh...not again."

Please, guide my life. Guide my husband's life. Lead us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Days 197 - 199 Christ's Ambassadors

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us."

2 Corinthians 5: 20

Ambassador: A highest-ranking diplomat who represents a nation and is usually working within a foreign government.

"And He died for all...that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again."

2 Corinthians 5:15

As a believer in Christ, I am an ambassador in a land that is not my real home. So is every Christian. According to Paul, our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20). As an ambassador of Christ, my task is to lead people to the Savior so that they, too, become citizens of the eternal kingdom. I must take my assignment seriously. It's a great privilege to have my citizenship in heaven. It's an equally great obligation to be an ambassador of that heavenly kingdom. (Herb Vander Lugt).

Let us go forth, as called of God,

Redeemed by Jesus' precious blood;

His love to show, His life to live,

His message speak, His mercy give.

- Whittle

_________________________

By the way, my week-long trials were settled out of court late last week, Praise the Lord! I can now attend the Christian music concert with my family this weekend.

Day 196 - Finding our Calling

I told God yesterday that I hear Him calling...but I did not know where to go.

It wasn't the right time in our lives before. My husband was not yet saved. But now he is...and he is looking for God's guidance and direction, too.

So I sat at my desk and thought: "My husband would love to serve where he can also fly fish. And where are some really great fly fishing places in the world? Belize!" In fact, my husband has often over the 17 years of our marriage spoken of Belize and how he longs to go there one day.

My heart started pounding faster. My fingers typed in "Belize mission trip," and up popped an organization: Praying Pelican Missions, with Belize as one of their countries for mission trips!

Great site, full of color photos, journal entries of previous mission trips to this area, and also videos to watch, as well.

I said a prayer to the Lord at my desk, "Lord, this is perfect! But how to bring it up to my husband? Provide me with the words and an opening."

I spent a bit of spare time -- between answering the office phones and doing office paperwork -- emailing the head of this mission program and requesting a video to be sent to our home. I looked at lots of photos and information about Belize.

It's definitely a third-world country. There is a problem with drug-related crime for travelers. You must travel in large groups. But there are mountains, just like here in Montana, and also the warm and tropical sea. Ancient ruins and scuba-diving and, like I said, fly fishing in the sea!

But there is also a HUGE need in Belize for Christians who want to volunteer their time serving here. Teaching classes, building new buildings, feeding the hungry, praying, etc.

I was totally excited! At my lunch break, I telephoned my husband at work and just blurted it out, "Honey, let's go on a mission trip to Belize! Wanna go?"

His immediate response was, "That would be fabulous!"

He was a bit hesitant at leaving behind our three children...how to take time off of work...how to finance such a trip.

But within 20 minutes of arriving back at my office from my lunch break, my mother had emailed and said, "Your dad and I will come out and watch the children for you when you go," and the head honcho from the mission program telephoned my husband from headquarters in Houston, Texas, and spoke with my husband.

Talk about whirlwind! The wheels are slowly moving now, moving us closer to going to Belize.

The only obstacle: financing.

But you know what? If this is where the Lord would have us go...He will help provide the income necessary in order to go and serve.

Matthew 28:19 says: "Go ye therefore into all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost."

Okay, Lord, today's prayer is that if you would have us go to Belize, You will lead us and guide us. Amen.

Day 195 - Fulfilling our Individual Calling

Last night's sermon at church was a really great reminder that God has called each of us individually to fulfill His will for our lives.

We are not all called to be a Billy Graham of this world...we may, instead, be called to be the person who prays for Billy Graham on a daily basis. And if we are called to do such a thing, God will reward the same as He would if we were actually Billy Graham. With God, there is no heirarchy level in our "calling."

We are not all called to serve in Haiti...but perhaps we might be called to serve as a custodian of the church or a bus driver for the children's program, or a cook who prepares Wednesday night's meals for the outreach ministry.

But the emphasis was on listening to God calling us...and then fulfill our calling.

Also of importance, it matters not our age when we are called. The pastor said that Moses wasn't even called until his 80s. So we shouldn't think to ourselves, "I will leave that to the younger folk," because God can use us at any age.

I would like to add that our "calling" might change for the various times in our lives. For instance, right now, at this point in my life, my "calling" is to help the hurting children of this world through my role as Big Sister with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program...or to begin foster parenting an abused and neglected child through Human Services.

But maybe when I'm a retired, gray-haired woman, my calling may change.

When my older children were small and I stayed at home with them, a calling I had was to reach out to the elderly at the local nursing home. And we did. God used us to befriend a lonely, crippled, wheelchair-bound woman named Hazel who had zero family and zero friends who visited her. We were it! And she cherished us as much as we cherished her. Her name was Hazel. And when she died, we were the family that was notified because she had no next of kin.

Looking back, I thank God that we were heeding God's call in our lives to minister to Hazel (and others) at the nursing home. She would've died a sad and lonely woman if we hadn't become her friends.

So my prayer today is that I would obey God's calling on my life at this point in time...and I should know that if God is calling me to do something, He will surely make it succeed.

John 15:14: "You are my friends if you do what I command."

"God will instruct him in the way chosen for him." Psalm 25:12

Day 194 - Husband's Slippers and Organic Groceries

My eldest daughter and I spent hours spring cleaning out my husband's bedroom closet. It looked like a bomb had exploded inside that tiny little hole in our bedroom. Clothes and shoes and papers and magazines and ammo and cardboard boxes spilling out of the opening like a volcano erupting!

We organized, boxed stuff up, swept it up and made it nice and neat. We even found a couple pairs of really nice, leather slippers, too...which we place a pair at the front and back doors...because my husband likes to walk inside from outside and tramp snow and ick throughout the clean wood floors. He doesn't even care about the dirt or water he's leaving behind for us to clean up.

So...I asked him to please remove his wet/dirty shoes and boots upon entering the home from now on. I even showed him how easy it would be to sit on the bench at the front door or a chair at the back door to remove his shoes and place his slippers on his feet.

But do you know what he replied?

"I'm not doing that."

And he really didn't, either! The next time he let our stupid, smelly, barking, whining dog outside to poop (which there is a growing lake of human-sized turds in our yard because my husband refuses to pick up after HIS pet), he walked right back into the house with snowy, wet shoes on and proceeded to walk right past me in the kitchen, through the dining room, and into another area of our home...all with a smirk of defiance on his face.

Seriously!?? He refuses to change into his slippers? I was PO'd, to say the least.

So I did something mean. I took his slippers and tossed them onto the lid of our garbage can. What I really wanted to do was put them inside the garbage can, along with wet coffee grounds and last night's dinner scrapings.

I am still miffed about this a full day later...and, as usual, he acts as if he is king of the castle and and Mr. Loverboy.

Well, I wish I could smack him upside his balding head and scream out my frustration! He never, never, never, EVER washes our floors. So what's the big deal, anyway?!

Why be so pig-headed and stubborn about taking off his shoes when he enters the house? It's not like I'm asking him to take off his penis.

Okay, I'm getting worked up again. I'll switch topics.

_________________________________

I am back on my "organic and all natural" health food kick. Since my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, I have been uber-aware of all of the chemicals in our foods/lotions/shampoos, etc. I vowed to buy organic or all-natural only from now on..for the second time around.

I spent nearly $80 more on last night's grocery shop due to buying all organic and all natural! I shop every two weeks...so that's an extra $160 per month if I continue to shop like this! Yikes! I don't have that extra money!

I am so torn, though: Do I buy the cheaper, chemical-filled and processed foods...or do I buy organic?

Seriously, everything I bought was organic, and on sale, even!

• organic milk
• organic breads
• organic meat
• organic fruit
• organic noodles
• organic sauces
• organic body lotion
• organic TOILET PAPER!!!!

Today, I'm kicking myself.

I wonder, though...how can I keep our family eating healthy...without all of the pesticides and hormones and other yucky stuff AND keep my grocery bills down?

Lord, I pray that you would give me a more humble spirit and attitude towards my overbearing and insensitive husband. Amen. :)

Days 190 - 193 Is It Spring Yet!?

Is it spring yet!?

The cold temperatures keep returning -- and I'm talking below zero temperatures -- and it's nearly the end of February!

There's new snow on the ground at least 6 inches deep. My husband shoveled a path all around our house for pedestrians this past weekend.

I can't wait for some sunshine on my face and arms!

It was a 3-day weekend this past weekend. Despite the snowy, cold temperatures, I was in a spring cleaning mood. I cleaned out closets, hauled boxes down to the basement, scrubbed out the refrigerator, cleaned underneath beds, dusted woodwork and trim in windowsills, cleaned out dresser drawers, washed a TON of dirty laundry and cooked some fabulous dinners. I even had my husband wash our dirty, smelly chocolate lab.

My eldest daughter remarked, "Wow, Mom, I like this cleaning mood you're in!"

Sometimes I amaze myself with my energy level and drive.

I am going to be busy preparing for a set of week-long trials that are beginning next Monday in Libby, Montana -- a six hour drive from Helena! In fact, I am already worrying about them. This will be the most difficult week of my court reporting career. My hands will ache, my back will ache, it will be extremely difficult due to the expert witnesses/doctors flying in from all over the U.S. It's the beginning of the asbestosis cases coming out of the W.R. Grace & Co.'s mine. Hundreds of employees have died from asbestosis exposure. Even their spouses are dying from asbestosis exposure. The wives would shake out their husband's dusty clothing before washing. They inhaled the vermiculite particles...viola! Asbestosis, too.

So I am praying that the Lord would help me to prepare myself to be on top of my game next week. I am praying that I would have strength and energy and stamina to get through these arduous trials. I pray that the Lord would guide my judge in his decision-making, that the Lord would be present at these trials and be with those who are suffering so badly from poor health. Amen.

Day 189 - Resentment

Many people are driven by resentment and anger. They hold on to hurts and never get over them.

Instead of releasing their pain through forgiveness, they rehearse it over and over in ther minds.

Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent.

While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.

Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now...unless you hold onto the pain through resentment. Your past is your past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it...and then let it go.

The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do."

______________________

That's an excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life, Chapter 3, by Rick Warren. I couldn't have picked up this book at a better time. I really, really need to learn to move past the resentment I am feeling towards my husband because of the years I spent in a dysfunctional marriage.

A few close friends have comforted me through this time. They have offered me encouragement and scripture verses.

I know that there are many in this world who have suffered far worse than a dysfunctional marriage, so it stands to reason that if they can forgive and not hold resentment, then I should be able to do the same.

I am trying...

Lord, help me to let go of my resentment and move through my pain and on to joy again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

*** 2 Cor. 6:14: "Do not be partners with an unbeliever. For what do righteousness and evil have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness."

Day 188 - Remembering the Pain of the Past

"Forgive and forget," is the how the old saying goes.

But really...how realistic is that?

I have forgiven my husband for the pain in our past; his vow to love me on our wedding day and then his inability to show it...his anger...his disconnect from me and the children...his selfishness...his controlling attitude...the continuous knot in the pit of my stomach for years and years.

I thought I was past all of that hurt...

But last night, we watched an old VHS film converted to DVD of our eldest daughter as a newborn babe. There I was, all of 24 years of age...plumper than normal because of leftover weight from my pregnancy, dark circles underneath my eyes, taking care of our newborn baby...stating that baby has been getting up at night every 1-1/2 hours to nurse...struggling to hold it all together...and my husband refusing to step in and help me. Even turning away from me when I asked for his help.

There it was all played out on our new, large TV screen for me to see...

The knot in my stomach returned...the anger beginning to swell like an ocean wave in my soul...the shock at seeing it played out in front of me...it was simply too much. I detached myself from my husband yesterday evening, turned away from him while we slept in our bed, and lay awake most of the night with tears in my eyes.

I can't believe I lived like that. I can't believe our marriage was that dysfunctional, and I stayed. I don't know how I had the to strength to wake up every day and face my marriage or my life.

I cried last night for that young "me" stuck in such a marriage. I cried for the years I spent sharing a marriage bed with such a man. I cried for my daughter who desperately needed a father who held her daily, cooed at her daily, loved on her daily. Instead, she had a disconnected, selfish, insensitive, angry father for years and years. And I cried for myself because I wish things would've been different.

Well, I woke up this morning and prayed. The tears poured out like Niagara Falls. I prayed that I would not hold a grudge against my "new" husband, that I would forget the past and be able to move through my day without that all-too-familiar knot in my stomach...I even asked my husband to forgive me for feeling this way.

If I had it all to do over again...I think I would've left my husband in those early years. The pain was simply too much to bear.

I am reminded of the scripture verse that says, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men who sin against you, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15.

But...how do we as human beings learn to let go of the pain of the past and not be reminded of it again?

So that is my prayer today, that God would show me how to move past the painful past and remember it no more...

Day 187 - Update on my Mom

Boy, Satan sure can steal things from us, can't he? Our health, our joy, our jobs, our spouses.

When we were told that mom's cancer had, in fact, spread to her lymph node, it was a total shock. We were depressed at the news, we were fearful for her future, we were worrying about all of the what-ifs that accompanies "cancer" diagnoses.

But then...Jesus steps in and takes what is seeming like a no-win situation...and triumphs after all!

Mom's tissue samples were shipped off to California for further testing. The center that tested the tissue sent back results to her oncologist, who shared the findings with my mom at her last oncology appointment.

The results? Based on genetic factors and aggressiveness of her type of cancer, the chance of Mom's cancer having spread or the chance that Mom will develop more cancer in the future is only 5%!!!!! Praise the Lord!

Also, even though the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes, there were zero margins...meaning the surgeon actually cut all of it out!

The oncologist then went on to say that because of the test results, Mom will not have to undergo chemotherapy as originally planned.

Yay, Lord!

Thank you for turning this sad and overwhelming situation into something so worthy of your praise!

Amen.

Day 186 - It's Your "Every Day" That Counts

1 Corinthians 13 says this:

"If I speak in the tongues of men

and of angels

but have not love

I am a noisy gong or a

clanging cymbal.

...

If I have faith that can

move mountains

but have not love

I AM NOTHING."

I listen to a Christian radio station daily. Currently, the station announcers are asking for people to call in and tell them how they do amazing things to show love for others.

***

I thought of the missionaries who travel to the remotest parts of our world in order to preach the gospel. That's always interesting to listen to. But I am always a bit fearful for myself in thinking I could do that. I couldn't. God did not equip me to do so.

***

I think of those who form organizations to help the needy, and daily they are giving of their time and their money for a worthy and noble cause. But that's not me, either. I have a husband and three daughters to raise...and no money! Nope, that's not me, either.

***

I think of those who walk so closely to the Lord that they lay hands on the sick and they are healed. Nope...not me. Sometimes I feel that my connection to the Lord is more like a slow dial-up internet signal that has lots of beeps and blurbs and sometimes gets lost in outerspace.

***

So I was thinking about how I show love for others...how my family shows love for others...and I have realized that we do small things in our every day lives that make a big difference.

***

Like the time I had my two older children at a grocery store when they were very small (one strapped into the infant seat up front and one sitting in the cart), and we came upon a very old woman wearing a kerchief on her head like a German peasant woman. I smiled at her. She smiled back a weary and tired smile. I paused after I'd passed her by and thought, "I need to pray with her right now." And I did. Right there in the middle of the grocery store, I approached her and said, "Ma'am, my name X, and these are my daughters. I was wondering if I could hold your hands and pray with you today."

***

Her eyes opened wide and a large grin spread across her wrinkled face. "Oh, yes, dear. You see, my husband has passed away and I am very sad today as I think of him."

I prayed a very earnest prayer for this dear woman...and we parted company. I never saw her again.

***

I have been in line at the grocery store before and paid for the groceries of the person ahead of me because she had forgotten her checkbook.

I have sent meals to those who are ill...cleaned homes for those who have lost a loved one and are too emotionally drained to do it themselves...volunteered at a local nursing home and read books and prayed and played card games with the residents...watched and cared for young children so their parents could have some time alone...volunteered as a Sunday School for years and years in my former church...reached out to the ragamuffin children in my neighborhood by feeding them meals and loving on them...sending encouraging cards to those who are sad...praying for those who are sick or in need...

***

Just this morning, my middle daughter received a wayward text message from Leah, who said, "Please pray for me today. Today is my soon-to-be-ex-husband's and my mediation hearing regarding custody of our son." Now, I'm certain she meant this for someone she knew...but it found its way instead to my daughter's cell phone. My middle daughter showed it to me as I was dressing for work.

I texted her back this: "Leah, I don't know you, but I am praying."

She replied, "Oh! Thank you!"

And my daughter and I prayed for Leah at that very moment.

My children are seeing me love others with a servant attitude...and they are now beginning to do the same themselves.

***

Like my eldest daughter who -- without prompting by adults and with two of her high school girlfriends -- has signed up to volunteer at a local nursing home every Wednesday after school. They play little card games, do puzzles, paint fingernails, and read to the residents there.

***

Or like my middle daughter who sees a child in need and immediately wants to help. If she is on the playground and she sees another child being bullied or has been hurt by a trip and fall, she is immediately there to assist and comfort.

***

Or my husband who now is living out this type of loving life, as well. He so enjoyed our marriage conference that he wants to bring it to our local church so that he may help others experience all God has planned for their marriages, as well.

***

You see, it's in our every day living that we show love for others. I believe Christ would expect us to show this kind of love in our every day lives, as well.

Days 183 - 185 L-O-V-E

Today is Valentine's Day 2011. My elder daughters made me some handmade earrings with beautiful and colorful beads. I am wearing a pair of them right now.

My husband took me on a marriage retreat this past weekend for his gift to me. It was fabulous!

We drove the 2-1/2 hours with great anticipation of what this conference might hold for us as a couple. We were not let down!

There were approximately 20 other couples in the 2-room conference center. We watched about 8 segments on marriage as described according to God, and after each segment, we spent time in prayer or in our workbook.

I even got a beautiful love letter from my husband! It's probably been 17 years since I've received a love letter from my husband. We both had tears in our eyes as we read each other our letters of love.

This conference brought forgiveness of past hurts, healing in our bond together, and a definite hope for our future together!

I would highly recommend this conference to other married couples...whether they are struggling or not.

I was amazed that, although I'd been raised in the church, some of God's design for marriage had been lost on me...until this conference. I now understand more fully my role as wife, and my husband accepts and understands his role of husband.

As well, we now understand the legacy we will leave behind to our daughters, and we want to strive to be the best Christian couple we can be for our children.

I want to thank the Lord for this opportunity to spend time together renewing our love for one another, and for opening doors to our marriage that we didn't even know were there.

________________________

"My beloved is mine...and I am his." Song of Solomon 2:16

Day 182 - Restoration

"The Lord says, 'I will give back to you what the swarming locusts have eaten.'" Joel 2:25.

Last night was a time of restoration between my eldest daughter and her father.

He was able to fulfill his promise to fill her tank of gas. Seventy-five dollars later, he had proven to my daughter that she can, in the end, believe in her father's promises to her. He restored the relationship between himself and his eldest, and also her ability to trust men, in general. It was a good thing.

At first, when my husband had asked for her car keys so he could take her 1990 Bronco and fill it with gas, my daughter's reaction was disbelief and bewilderment.

As my husband walked out the front door, started up her truck and pulled away from the house, my daughter gave me a smile that would light up a room.

And after my husband had returned from the gas station, plunked her keys on the buffet table and had given her a hug, my daughter's joy was overflowing. Not simply because her gas tank was filled...but because her father had pulled through in his promise to her.

It was a wonderful event to watch unfold. Praise the Lord!

____________________________

Yesterday after work, my husband and I had a parent/teacher conference to attend for our middle daughter. We were a bit concerned because although our daughter receives straight As, she has a bit of difficulty sitting still and being respectful towards her teacher.

But we were overjoyed when the teacher had high praises for her and even remarked as we were being ushered out of the classroom at the completion of our conference, "Mr. and Mrs. J, you have done a fabulous job raising your child. I could only hope to be as good a parent as you two."

I will never forget that remark as long as I live. That has been my prayer since the day I gave birth to my eldest: "Lord, make me a good parent."

_____________________________

And following the same topic of "restoration," my husband and I are restoring our relationship with each other with each passing day.

Last night, I had a dream -- more like a nightmare, really. I was forced to marry someone other than my husband and perform all of my wifely duties towards this man. I was frantic in my dream. Frantic because I didn't have MY husband. I looked for him everywhere. My heart beat fast, my hands sweated, and I was sick to my stomach as I searched businesses and other places around town for MY husband.

When I'd finally found my husband, I fell into his arms, kissed his sweet face, and held on so tightly that I thought I might never let go. I shed great tears of thankfulness as my husband held me in return, and loved on me in return. I felt such a sense of relief! I was where I belonged, and never would I leave his side.

I woke up shortly after this part...realizing it was just a dream...but my heart was still beating quickly. I looked over and there was MY husband, all warm and strong and perfect...lying beside me. I curled up into his arms and put my head onto his muscular chest. Ahhhhh.....

This was a very powerful dream in more ways than one. Because for nearly 17 years of my marriage, I escaped into my dream world and was married to various known and unknown men who were gentle and loving and kind to me...and I loved it. And when I would awake and find that my angry, insensitive, volatile husband was lying beside me, I would want to cry.

I learned to distance myself emotionally and physically from my husband for a lot of years. There was always a disconnect between us.

But now, because of having Christ in his life, my husband is gentle, sensitive, and patient. I call him "Manly" now because he shows a picture of what a true man should be. He thinks it's because of his muscles and leaner waistline that I call him "Manly." That's partly true, yes. But mostly, it's the whole person he has become that makes him seem so manly to me.

I want to thank the Lord for restoring my husband's relationship with our children...and for restoring my relationship with my husband. Thank you, Lord!

Day 181 - Letting Down Our Children

When I was in Ohio taking care of my sick mother post-mastectomy, it was my eldest daughter who took care of the home and the toddler...for the most part.

Sure, my husband helped and made sure the children were alive and kicking when it was bedtime, but it was really my eldest daughter who took on all of my responsibilites as "mother" and made them her own responsibilities.

In return for all of her hard work during my absence, my husband promised my eldest daughter a full tank of gas. Gas is expensive, and now that my daughter is driving, that's her greatest cause for stress...how to have the money to put gas into her empty tank.

Well, my husband -- trying to be encouraging and supportive of our eldest daughter's fine job of caretaking in my absence -- promised her a full tank of gas on his next paycheck.

She was thrilled! All of her hard work...and her father was going to thank her in a MOST-needed way.

His paycheck came...and went. He did not even give her $5 towards her gas expenses.

She reminded him several times, "Hey, Dad...remember when you promised me a tank of gas?"

"Oh, yeah....well, I'll catch it on my next paycheck."

Her shoulders kinda slumped a bit...but she trusted him at his word.

Only...the next paycheck came...and went.

"Hey, Dad...remember you promised me a tank of gas?"

"Sorry. I can't afford it this time, either." And he walked away from her.

I could see my daughter deflate instantly, like a balloon when you let all of the air out of it.

Her shoulders really slumped over, and she was crying.

Her father had let her down. He had promised something that he could not keep his word with. And now, our eldest daughter won't fall for his empty promises again.

My husband doesn't seem to think this is such a big deal. After all, we had to cancel our weekend marriage encounter due to money issues. Which I'm sad about, as well, and feeling let down.

But I'm an adult. I can handle the let-downs in life.

My 15 year old, on the other hand, can't.

She worked VERY hard taking care of house and home and toddler in my absence...her father had promised her a reward for all of her hard work...and then he reneged on his promise.

Sure...his excuse is legitimate. We do have financial struggles this month more than most months. But the damage is done.

Ecclesiastes 5: 2-7 says this:

"Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought...

when you make a vow...

do not delay in paying it. Pay it!

It is better that you NOT vow

than to vow and not pay."

Days 179 & 180 - Halfway to One Year!

I can't believe it's already been six months since I began this journey to re-discover God and His purpose for my life.

So much has changed in these past six months. I just want to shout at the top of my lungs, "Thank you, God!!!"

I know that God is leading me. I know that God is leading my family. God is working in us all...and for this, I am truly thankful.

My eldest daughter has begun volunteering her time at a local nursing home. It's a more upscale nursing home, she says, with chandeliers in the dining room area, with comfy velvet chairs at the tables, cucumber water to drink, and excellent staff that takes care of those who are here. It's a stark contrast to our days of volunteering at a different nursing home on the opposite side of town when my older two girls were much younger. At this other nursing home, only the poorest of the poor were here, the staff was sub-par, and their care was even less than that.

So my eldest daughter goes every Wednesday after school with two of her little high school girlfriends and together they paint ladies' fingernails, play little card games with the residents, and help them exercise. She initiated this volunteering on her own, and I am so proud of her! And I am so thankful that the staff at this home has opened up their arms to my daughter and her friends and embraced their volunteerism. They are even on the residents' calendar of events for the day!

Today, my eldest daughter is job shadowing with a local Kindergarten teacher. She thinks she might want to become a teacher some day, and this was her career planning advisor's prompting for her to do this job shadowing. I am SO proud of this, too! The Lord has really blessed my eldest daughter with such a kind, sensitive, and caring spirit. She would make a very wonderful teacher one day.

My middle daughter is enjoying her youth group on Wedneday evenings at church and jumps in with both feet, her teacher says. She is a joy to have, the teacher also remarks. Her name really could've been "Joy," because she does bring joy to everyone in her life. From her whacky outfits to her silly personality to her singing around the house, my middle daughter puts a smile on my face.

My youngest daughter is busy being 2 years old. Sometimes I can't wait for her to be just a tad bit older so that the temper tantrums quit...but she is saying the cutest things at this age that I can't help but treasure all of her remarks!

My husband and I are preparing to leave for a marriage encounter class a few towns over. We'll leave Friday afternoon and attend the seminar on Friday night, as well as all day Saturday. We're staying in an historic hotel. I cannot wait for time alone with my dear husband! I hope I am not too exhausted by week's end to give him the attention he desires.

Days 176 - 178 Thy Will Be Done

There have been times in my life where I have done what I wanted to do, there have been times in my life where I've asked the Lord what I should do, and there have been times in my life where I've asked the Lord what to do and never received a clear answer...so I did what I wanted to do.

I think that's typical human nature.

I wish I could receive a clear "yes" or "no" answer from the Lord when I ask Him to guide me, when I ask that His will be done and not my own.

But I often feel as if the connection in the line between me and God is garbled or unclear...and so I just pray about something, and then go with my gut instinct.

I wonder: How can I be more in tune with God's answers to my prayers?

Especially right now, when I'm praying about whether or not to become a foster parent.

I could write out a Pros and Cons list...and remain confused.

I could pray and ask for a clear answer from God...and never get one (as usual).

So I thought that I'd post my question on this journal entry...so that it's in black and white...and hopefully, God will give me a clear "yes" or a clear "no."

God, your word calls us to take care of orphans. You have given me a heart for children. You created me to love on them, hug on them, and want to take care of them. And so I ask that You would guide me in deciding whether or not I should take this huge responsibility on. Because I fear that I am already overstretched with my time management ability...and adding another child would stretch that farther. And I fear that this broken, needy child will alter our family dynamics for the worse.

So I pray for a clear answer. In my humble, human, child-like way, I ask that if this is Your will, you will provide bunk beds so that we may have room for this child, and you will provide 3 separate people who will give me a confirmation that this is Your will for our lives.

I will trust that you can answer these prayers. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day 175 - Cares of the World

Mother, Wife, Employee, Coworker, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Volunteer...

All of these various roles I play can suck my energy levels and zap my emotions. They also use up every last second of my day.

Where does "Godly Christian Woman" fit into all of this? Sometimes, it's a role I don't have much time to play during my busy days.

I have not been reading my Bible every morning. I have not been on my knees in prayer lately. What I've had time to do is read a quick scripture verse, meditate on its words for but a moment, and say frequent "popcorn" prayers throughout my day.

I long to have regular and steady quiet time with the Lord...but also with myself.

How does a mother of three, a wife, a full-time employee, and a volunteer have time to do this?

It's not a balance I've been able to figure out for more than a few weeks at a time. As always, the cares of the world creep into my quiet time, the time I should be spending in prayer on my knees or in the Word of God.

But I hope God understands. I think He sees that I'm up with my toddler sometimes twice a night...or late to bed because my teenager needs to talk about her life issues...or I'm just so beat at the end of the day that when dinner is over and the kids are washed up, I collapse into my bed instead of getting on my knees.

I thank the Lord for this time in my life where I am mother to three busy and demanding girls. I thank the Lord for my full-time job that pays our bills and provides health insurance and accrues retirement. And I thank the Lord that I can volunteer even what little spare time I have to being a Big Sister to Elisabeth, through Big Brothers Big Sisters.

I am not Super Woman. I never will be. Thank God I am a Forgiven Woman!

Day 174 - Reaching Out To The Lost

I volunteered a few hours of my time at my church's children's program. It was Wednesday night AWANA class for the elementary and high school aged children.

My church buses in children from low-rent neighborhoods and subsidized housing areas. These children show up at church with no coats, flip-flops, T-shirts, and ragged clothing and worn-out shoes. Our church has a free hot dinner on Wednesday nights, so the kids all get a full tummy before breaking up into their age-specific classes.

My job was to help with the younger elementary-aged children. There were 12-15 of them sitting around tables that had been pushed together to form a square.

One child in particular was a very angry little boy. I knew from the first five minutes of class that this kid was T-R-O-U-B-L-E. He couldn't stay focused. He bullied the other children around. He had zero respect for me or the other ladies teaching his class.

The first half hour was spent with various children coming up to me and telling me their memorized scripture verses. H

One of the verses was, "The Son of God will be lifted up."

I asked one of the little boys, "Who is the Son of God?"
"I don't know," he retorted and threw his classroom book on the table in agitation because I wouldn't just put my initials next to the verse he had spouted off to me.

"The Son of God is Jesus," I said to him. He could've cared less. I then asked, "What does it mean 'will be lifted up'?"

Again, he was angry at my questions. He said, "I dunno. Maybe someone picked him up?"
"No," I said. "This means that Jesus rose from the dead and he flew up to Heaven."

"So what! Put your name right there," and he pointed to the spot where I was supposed to initial that he had memorized this verse.

As I said, it was total bedlam and chaos for several hours. Even when the children left the classroom to do some physical activity games, the other teachers and I were frantically trying to write down in a log book who had memorized what scripture, and then give them pretend money so they could buy some little trinkets later on.

We had barely finished logging in kids' names and their verses when they all ran back into the room for their snack: Rice Krispies and Koolaid.

One of the lead teachers put in a DVD of the Ten Commandments. Actually, this was good because the children sat still and watched for 20 minutes.

But when it was all over, I was SO relieved.

I was a bit irritated with myself that I had volunteered for this. While my husband sat quietly in the sanctuary for the adult Bible study, I was run ragged with these little hooligans.

I normally I sit in the sanctuary with my husband and together we learn about God's word. But I wasn't even doing that.

This program at the church is a greatly needed program. I'm certain that the hot meal provided may be the only hot meal these children receive all week.

And while I"m talking about it, I realized last night how burdensome and tiring a pastor's wife's job must be within the church. While the pastor is in a quiet sanctuary teaching grown adults about God's word and having adult conversation, his wife is running her buns off trying to reach out to the lost and needy children who have absolutely zero respect for her in return.

Father God, I lift up my pastor's wife and ask that you give her the energy and strength she needs to continue being a godly pastor's wife, serving those who are tough to reach, spending her time racing around a room full of hyper children, and trying to teach the Word of God to those little children who could care less.

I also pray for these children, that somehow, some way, their hearts might be touched as they attend these classes.

Amen.

173(B) - Day 2, Chapter 2, "I am Not An Accident"

I am Not an Accident!

My birth was no mistake. My life is no fluke of nature.

It is not fate, nor chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that I am breathing at this very moment. I am alive because God wanted to create me!

God made every single detail of my body. He chose my race, the color of my skin, my hair, and every other feature. He custom-made my body just the way He wanted it. He determined my natural talents, and the uniqueness of my personality. The Bible says, "God knew me inside and out, every bone in my body, exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something."

God planned the days of my life, choosing the time of my birth...and the time of my death. "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book."

Nothing in my life is arbitrary. It's all for a purpose. Amazing! God decided how I would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of my birth, or who my parents are, God had a plan in creating me. It doesn't matter whether my parents were good or bad...or indifferent.

Why did God create the world? "God formed the earth...He did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited." God is the God of love, and that's why he created the universe for me! I was created as a special object of God's love! God made me so He could love me. This is a truth to build my life upon. "I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and I will take care of you."

Day 173(A) - Because I have SO much to talk about!

So my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I used every last penny I had to buy a plane ticket out to see her, then my work laptop went kablooey and I had to purchase a new one, and then last night my middle daughter dropped and broke our home netbook -- which is the computer our eldest daughter uses to complete her high school homework assignments and reports -- and then our downstairs toilet overflowed all over the bathroom floor and into the kitchen...AND our roof is leaking.

Lord...it's always something, isn't it? It's funny that during the times when everything is going right, I am always looking over my shoulder or peeking around corners for the next catastrophe to hit.

Thankfully, my catastrophes are not the same as Job's catastrophes from the Old Testament. I'll take my struggles over his any day of the week.

So today, I ask that the Lord would guide us and keep us, that our central heat would continue to chug along and pump heat into our home (it's negative 20 degrees outside), that our vehicles would continue to run so we can get to work, and that our refrigerator and cupboards would still have food to feed my hungry family.

Job 31:4, "Does He not see my ways and count my every step?"

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Okay, the next post -- Part B -- will be discussing Day 2 of The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren.

Day 172 - What On Earth Am I Here For? Day 1

By Rick Warren.

Chapter 1, Day 1:

It All Starts With God.

It's not about me.

The purpose of my life is far greater than my own personal fulfillment, my peace of mind, or even my happiness. It's far greater than my family, my career, or even my wildest dreams and ambitions.

Many people try to use God for their own self-actualization, but that is a reversal of nature and is doomed to failure. "It is God who directs the lives of his creatures, everyone's life is in his power."

I was made for God...not vice versa. Life is about letting God use me for HIS purposes...not me using him for my own purpose. "Obsession with self...is a dead end. Attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life."

Being successful and fulfilling my life's purpose are not at all the same thing.

I could reach all of my persoanl goals, become a raving success by the world's standard, and still miss the purposes for which God created me.

How, then, do I discover the purpose I was created for? I can ask God to reveal it to me. God has not left me in the dark to wonder and guess. He has clearly revealed his purpose for my life through the Bible. The Bible is our Owner's Manual of Life, explaining why we are alive, how life works, what to avoid, and what to expect in my future. It explains what no self-help or philosophy book could know.

God is not the starting point of my life...He is the source of it.

I discover my identity and purpose through a relationship with Jesus Christ. I can choose my career, my spouse, my hobbies, too, but I don't get to choose my purpose. The purpose of my life fits into a much larger, cosmic purpose that God has designed for eternity...for ME.

Colossians 1:16(b): "Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him."