Day 115 - Joy Mixed With Sadness

Today is a good day...but one mixed with some sadness, too.

Today is my middle daughter's very last elementary school Christmas program. Waaaa!!!! I am sad to know that we won't be attending any more of these school programs. They've been fabulous! From her first year in Kindergarten, standing on the stage with her teeny-weeny classmates and belting out "Jingle Bells" out of rhythm but with a big toothless grin...to third grade solo song in front of a whole auditorium of parents/grandparents...and now to her fifth grade performance where she wears her "coolest" outfit with stylin' shoes...my husband and I have sat through each year's performance, wiping a happy tear away each year...SO proud of our little girl!

But I'm joyful that we've had all of these performances, permanently burned into my mind's memory to recall in later years when I'm old and gray-haired and sitting in my rocking chair.

The second thing: Today as my husband and I knelt in prayer before the Lord, my husband thanked God that he has such a wonderful wife who stood beside him all of these years, despite how awful he may have treated me or the children. I was so happy to hear him say those words...but so convicted because truly, I wanted to leave a hundred times. And I even attempted to leave on several occasions.

Each time I attempted to leave, God stopped me from sinning.

One time, 15 years ago, I had actually packed up my eldest daughter, who was 2 at the time, and left for good. I was going to start fresh. But God intervened and brought us back together. It wasn't an easy "new" beginning, but with God's help, we managed to make it, even having two more children and building some happy family memories!

Another time, about 6 years ago -- maybe more -- I was once again going to leave. I'd had enough. I was moving on...and even taking initial steps towards doing so. I was about to sin greatly in God's eyes...and He moved in a powerful way and stopped me from doing so. I ended up in the emergency room with a broken ankle...and the steps I was about to take the following morning towards permanently breaking my marriage covenant were shattered. I didn't see it as a positive occurence at the time. I was angry that my plans were foiled by a broken ankle.

As I was kneeling beside my husband in prayer this morning, these events where God dramatically stepped in and prevented me from leaving my marriage covenant hit me with great force. God knew all of those years ago that my husband and I were to remain married, as we vowed to do.

Although I have only given my body to my husband in all of our 17 years of marriage...there were times when I longed for something different and even began to imagine myself married to other people. I thought, "Maybe this man would be gentle and loving and patient," or "maybe this man might be the man who would care for me and take care of me for the rest of my life, and I could do the same for him."

I used to cling to these scriptures from 1 Cor. 7:16:

"For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?"

Or this one:

1 Cor. 7:13:

"And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife."

But our marriage would get so tough! And I would ignore God's word, thinking, "Well, my husband will never be saved. Our marriage will never improve, and I'm tired of being the only one praying."

Praise God that He has called my husband after 17 years! And praise God that my husband softened his heart to God!

And although I'm so happy that my husband is now a "believer," I am so saddened to think back at my years of discontent and near abandonment.

Father God, I pray today that you would forgive me for my past actions in trying to leave my husband and in trying to break our marriage covenant. Help me to forgive myself, as well. Amen.