Days 228 - 230 Just When I Thought I Had It All Under Control

Just when I thought I had life under control, my marriage issues all worked out, my parenting at its best and finest...turmoil struck. I'm sure you read my last post: Issues with parenting my teenage daughter, issues with my in-laws, and then issues with my spouse...all in the time span of 24 hours.

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I had been praying about starting up a women's mentoring program at the church, feeling pretty confident in my abilities to mentor and help a younger wife and mother. I was thanking the Lord for guiding me to this wonderful outreach, for leading me through all of the struggles I'd faced in my early years of marriage, and for bringing me to a place in my life where certain issues and battles had already been won and I could sit back and enjoy the remaining years of my parenting, and relishing in my wonderful, new marriage.

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I'm looking back at those days of struggle in my last post and thinking two things: Either Satan really, really tripped me up because he wanted me to feel inadequate about parenting and marriage skills...or God is showing me that I'm so imperfect at both that I couldn't possibly be of any help to younger wives and mothers.

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I'm leaning towards the first...but hesitant to say that with confidence. So I will continue to pray about things.

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Lord, I don't have my life under control after all, do I? Teach me through this latest experience. Help me to discover and learn from this. Help me to be a better wife and a better mother through this. Guide me and lead me down the path that You have chosen for me. I ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

Days 225 - 227 What Have I Done?

First things first. I caved.

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My teenage daughter threw the biggest fit at me for nearly 24 hours straight...and I caved. She first asked me on Thursday if I would allow her to go to Florida over spring break. Of course, as any good mother would do, I said, "Absolutely not. You're only 15." But then she explained she wanted to go spend the week with her grandmother...my husband's mother, and grandmother was going to pay for most of the airline ticket. Well, I don't like last-minute decision-making. I still said, "no." And because she'd already telephoned her father at work and he'd already said, "I don't care, go ask your mother," she figured out that I was the only parent saying no, so she would begin playing me as best she could.

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And did she ever. Tears, following me around the house, calling her grandmother AND aunt and crying to them about how mean I was, etc. It was actually one of the worst 24 hours in parenting I've ever faced. Doors slamming, incessant whining and pouting...even worse than my toddler! My husband arrived home from work and immediately we discussed thing behind closed doors. Why hadn't he said, "Your mother and I need to discuss this first," instead of his off-the-cuff "let your mother handle this one" as usual? Didn't husband realize all of the factors involved? Plus, if she went, our 11 year old daughter would be home alone all spring break? He promised he wouldn't say the last part to teenage daughter because that would really set her off, but we agreed to say "no" as a united front. Only my husband's "no" turned into a "well, wait until tomorrow and I'll give you my final answer."

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My husband managed to avoid teenage daughter's phone calls and incessant texts all day long. At about 4:00 p.m., he finally spoke with her. Guess what he said? "You have to stay home to watch your sister." This caused all hell to break loose in my home. The minute I walked in the front door from working all day, my teenage daughter hit me with a barrage of insults and "this isn't fair" remarks that followed me from one room to another. For literally TWO full hours, my daughter wore me down like some sort of Chinese water torture. As each minute ticked by, I was getting angrier and angrier at my spouse. Why didn't he help me in this? Why did he say the ONE thing I asked him NOT to say? In my mind, I was calling him an idiot and wishing I'd been wiser in picking my life-long mate. And finally, I caved. I shouted back at my snot-nosed, red-eyed, puffy-faced teenager, "I don't care! Just go! I can't handle this anymore!" And within a nano-second, her water works had stopped, a smile of "A-Ha! spread across her face." I had commited THE fatal error in Parenting 101. But really...I could NOT do this alone. I was totally snowplowed by my daughter, my husband, my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law! Why could everyone just call me and check with me first before saying things like, "I'll pay for your airline ticket," and "I was 16 when I flew alone." Pretty much everyone giving her the "okay" to go before they'd even spoken one word to me. Dysfunction at its finest.

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I tell ya, be careful who you choose as mate in life, because no matter the distance in miles, they have their sharp nails/claws digging into your family life no matter the distance that separates you. So today, although I had originally planned on taking the day off of work and spending time with my daughters for their spring break, I'm at work. I refuse to help my husband drive all three girls down to the airport an hour away from here. I refuse to help my daughter prepare for her trip but instead am placing it all squarely on my husband's shoulders to juggle this mess he didn't help me with. Not very Christian of me, I suppose...but my coping mechanism, nonetheless.

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I attended church this past Sunday with the girls while my husband worked at his place of employment. There's a really messed up 20-something boy who has been coming the last few weeks. Boy's name is Josh. Josh is full of tattoos all over his face, arms, hands, lips, ears, neck, etc. He has nose rings and earrings, too. He's actually pretty scary to look at. But Josh has been reaching out for help in church these past few weeks, and I decided to try to help. In fact, I went so far as to write a tithe check to the church. I wrote the exact number of dollars I had left in my checking account, even, and prayed that God would use my act of tithing and bless Josh's life with it. I was pretty excited to do this at the time.

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I invited Josh to our home for Sunday dinner last night. I prayed with Josh during service, along with another church member. Josh cried buckets of tears. Clearly, this messed up boy needs to be shown Christ's love. What better way than to invite him over and spend some time with him...right? Josh arrived at our Victorian home on time. He was carrying his Alcoholics Anonymous books from the meeting he'd just attended. That fact didn't bother me one bit. In fact, it was promising to me that he is going. Josh sat in our livingroom, a bit nervous and the conversation a bit bumpy. My teenager asked Josh what his favorite type of movies are. "Horror movies," was his reply, "supernatural horror movies, actually." And then he went on to describe some of the types of movies he enjoys...and followed it up with some bizarre statements that he believes all of these movies to be true, and that he has seen first-hand many of these things played out in real life. Kinda made me uncomfortable, but I know that Satan is real and he is a fabulous Deceiver, so I made a mental note to pray about this with Josh.

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I asked Josh about his background. He's from Indiana, moved away when he was 14. I know better than to believe the "moved away" part...any boy at the age of 14 who leaves home alone has actually "run away." I thought, "what a troubled past this kid has, for sure, to run away at such a young age." Another mental note was made to pray about this, as well. I asked where he has been the past few years. "Prison," he said as if he was talking about his time at the supermarket picking out groceries.

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I gulped. My three children were gathered around this man...and I began to feel quite nervous. I asked if he would like to play a game while my husband and I cooked dinner. He played cribbage with my eldest daughter first. My middle daughter was waiting her turn to play while my toddler was peeking at Josh's purple hair and tattoos from behind a curtain. And then abruptly, Josh said to me, "I have to go." Dinner was nearly done cooking...he was in the middle of playing cribbage...and he had to leave. Well, fine. He needed a ride home, he said. So my husband turned off the gas stove where we'd been cooking and took Josh "home."

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When my husband returned less than 5 minutes later, I asked where Josh lives. Turns out, my husband drove Josh to the local mental health center a few blocks away...the one where all of the druggies and weirdos hang out...the building where I specifically tell my daughters to stay away from. Last night, I spent hours lying in bed worrying about having this type of a guy in my home, around my children.

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Had I misinterpreted God's prompting? Would Josh show up at my home during the time my middle daughter is home alone and harm her in some way? I still am unsure. And I feel like I should not have had this very disturbed boy in our home now. Lord, I tried to reach out in your name and now I feel scared in doing so. Although this boy needs to be shown your love and compassion and guidance...perhaps it shouldn't have been me who stepped up to the plate. Please, keep my family safe. I pray for Josh and his future. I pray the blood of Jesus on this boy's soul. And I ask that in tithing my last dollar for Josh's benefit that You would not let us down. Amen.

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Day 224 - Parent of a Teenage Daughter

What happened to my baby girl? The one who used to snuggle up her chubby cheeks into my warm neck and whisper, "I wuv you, Mama." She would follow me around, mimicking everything I said and did. She looked up to me. She adored me.

And then she grew and grew...into a teenager.

Now she screams at me, tells me what to do, what not to do, doesn't think I have a brain, feels as if I am out to get her, and can't understand the boundaries and rules I set sometimes.

She pits her father against me with such cunning and skill, a smile on her face and a skip in her step.

If she doesn't get her way, it's full-blown tears and slamming of doors. She's a big girl acting like my toddler sometimes, although she feels like she's so grown up and mature.

And sometimes, she really is mature for her age. I trust her with the truck. She pretty much comes and goes as she pleases after school, so long as she lets us know where she is and what time she'll be home. She gets good grades in school. She is loving to her youngest sister -- can't say the same for her relationship with my middle daughter, however.

I struggle in parenting this volatile teenager. When she was young, and friends of mine had teenage daughters who behaved this way, I would say to myself, "My daughter will never behave that way," or "I wouldn't allow my daughter to do or say those things to me."

And yet here I am in the middle of a battleground nearly every week: she's on one side of the battlefield throwing her fiery and piercing darts, and I'm ducking behind my itty-bitty shield defending myself and feeling a lot like David from the story David and Goliath.

Lord, I ask that you guide me and lead me in my parenting of this volatile and yet loving teenage daughter. Help me survive the next two years that she is in my home. Help me to still place loving boundaries that she must obey, and help us to navigate through this emotional time as mother and daughter. Amen.

Day 223 (C) - It's already working, LOL

I just posted my tithing experiment not several hours ago...and something has already happened.

I owed $569.00 for my court reporting software support agreement today. When I called to pay, the woman only charged me $549.00! A $20 savings! Ha!

Day 223 (B) My Tithing Experiment

I mentioned that we do not tithe to church. Never have. We may throw a few bucks into the offering plate, but we have never, in all of our 17 years of marriage, tithed on a regular basis.

I asked God to help us with our finances. And one thing that completely humbled me -- and I'm being brutally honest here so it's unnerving for me to state in public -- is I'd rather spend $70 on something for my home, something that would make my life easier as a mother or a wife or an employee, than give to God.

There. I said it.

I did it just yesterday, in fact. Instead of tithing $70 or more of my income to church, I bought a new pasta machine. I told myself, "This is being a good mother because I will be feeding my children and husband healthier noodles without all of the chemicals and preservatives in store-bought noodles."

It's completely silly and embarrassing to type that out and see my thoughts in black and white...but there it is. True feelings by me.

My husband and I put a hold on our athletic club membership. That's a $100 savings per month. Instead of using that money to tithe...I bought a new pasta machine.

I am really, really embarrassed about it now. And yet...excited for my pasta machine. How sinful is that!?

I had a bit leftover in my checking account from last payday, so I did write a check to the church for $40. Plus a check I'd written just moments before for our Wednesday night meal for $10. Really, that's $50 of money I wouldn't normally give. But I did give.

For the remainder of my one-year-blog, I will purpose to find out whether tithing truly does produce results...which I already know the answer to that silly question but want to see it all played out in black and white.

Malachi 3:8-10 "Will a man rob or defraud God? Yet you rob and defraud me. You say, "But how do we rob and defraud you?" By refusing to give God your tithes and offerings."

"Give and it will be given unto you. a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38

"Remember this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he ha sdecided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 cor. 9:6-8

verses 10-11: "Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness. You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God."

I realize now that God cannot move me forward and use me in bigger and better ways until I get my tithing right. Lord, I am ready...I think. Help me to understand this tithing process, and show me how to be faithful in my giving.

EDIT: By the way, I am NOT doing this so that I can gain riches...I am doing this so that I can get myself right with God so that He can use me in mighty, mighty ways!

Day 223 - A Life of Service

"Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

1 Cor. 15:58

What is the work of the Lord? It's the meal I prepare for my hungry brood of children...it's the shoulder rub I give my husband after a hard day's work...it's taking care of my home...it's being a diligent employee for my boss...it's hugging a child who is hurting...it's encouraging another woman...it's praying for my neighbors and my enemies.

In the real world, this earthly world, there's a heirarchy to everything. Take my job, for instance. My Judge is in charge over me. In viewing a chart of positions in my office, there is a heirarchial breakdown. In sports, there is a head coach, the players, and the water boys. Again, heirarchy.

But with Christ, it is not so.

"You know that those who are regarded as rulers of this world dominate...and their high positions exercise power over others. But it must not be like that among Christians. On the contrary. Whoever wants to become great among you must be a servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be slave to all. For even the son of Man did not come to be served but to serve." Mark 10:42-45

Women pay top dollar to have a day at the spa. Our feet are massaged and rubbed with sweet scented lotions. Our faces are polished and scrubbed. Our hair is coiffed and perfected. Our nails are painted. We are completely pampered. We pay this amount of money so that someone else is our servant and takes care of our "needs" and desires.

But in Christ, we are explicitly told to serve others.

I have found in my life that when I am feeling blue or down in the dumps, a trip to the mall for a new blouse might temporarily perk me up, but what has a more lasting effect is an act of service by me towards someone else.

Next time you are sad or feeling "woe-is-me," I encourage you to reach out to others and serve. This will most definitely pull you out of your despair and bring you back into alignment with God and His will for your life, and will put into perspective the issue you are facing.

Day 222 - Teach Me To Number My Days

"To the world you might be one person...

But to one person, you might be the world."

Author Unknown

My time on earth is short. If I live my life for fleshly desires -- new vehicles, modern home, fancy attire, fancy title -- I have not lived a life worthy of being called "Christian."

"Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom," says Psalm 90:12.

"Lord make me to know my end and what is the number of my days, that I may know how frail I am. Indeed, the number of my days is small like the size of my hand. My age is as nothing before you. Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor." Psalm 39: 4-6

The Bible also states that life is like a shadow that is only temporary. As well, the Bible states that life is like a flower that flourishes...and then quickly withers and fades away.

I think most of the time, we forget that life is short. In our childhood, waiting for our next birthday seems to take eons. When we are in our 20s, we feel as if we have our whole lives before us. We live for the here and the now. Around 40, we suddenly realize that our lives are nearly half over. And as we grow even older, we realize how fleeting our life has been.

When we understand that life is short, we become wiser people. We view life and its issues more clearly. We have a better perspective. We invest our time and energy more wisely. This thinking causes us to carefully choose how we are going to live out the remainder of our days.

As for me, I want to impact people for Christ with the time that I have left. Whether I reach one or twenty-one, I want God to reach inside my soul and pull out all of the dead and useless parts and fill it up with His Spirit so that I may love others with Christ's love, reach out to others as Christ did, and be used as God's hands and feet on this earth.

Because we only have one life to live on this earth, we need to have a vision. Charles Spurgeon said, "You will not be a very good captain if you do not know what port you are sailing for." The same is true for my life. I must have a vision.

Where am I sailing? Where am I going? I don't want to just drift along in life...I want to have a clear plan of action, a concrete destination.

1 Peter 4:2 says, "that he should no longer live the rest of his life for the flesh full of lusts of men, but for the will of God. For we have spent enough of our lifetime in doing the will of the godless."

Lord, please give me a sense of direction for the next 40 years of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.