Days 313 - 318 Odds & Ends

My family stayed in a cabin near the Mission Mountains over the weekend, along with my mother-in-law, her husband, and a friend from Russia.





I find that I'm a bit on edge around my mother-in-law, but nothing that a shorter visit can't cure! I am thankful that the Lord has at least healed our relationship enough that we can both be in the same room with each other and visit with our families.





My husband and I are trying to refinance our home from a 6.5% 30-year mortgage to a 4.5% 20-year mortgage. If the appraisal is satisfactory, it should go through without a hitch. This will save us nearly $700/month in personal debt. Although the mortgage payment will increase by a few hundred dollars, we'd still be saving money monthly. So we are praying about the refinance.

As well, we are discussing the possibility for me to return to work part-time in the nearby future. We will see how this pans out, as well.

Philippians 2:13 says, "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."

Days 311 & 312 - You Can't Believe It...But It's True!

I think my girlfriends and I are a tad bit sheltered. We know the stories of mothers who neglect their children, but we don't really believe they're living next door to us.

The truth is, neglectful mothers live all around us. They live on our street, in our neighborhood, and they're increasing in numbers every year.

It used to be that a woman learned her mothering and caretaking skills from her own mother. But in today's disjointed society, this is no longer the case. Grandmothers and aunties don't have the influence they once held, either.

In church, we tend to see the good mothers with their happy children.

But I guarantee if you walked some of the streets in your town, you would find hundreds of poor mothers out there.

They don't know how to cook a healthy meal. They don't know how to train up a child. They don't know how to form a bond with their children. They don't know how to properly take care of a home. They don't know how to budget. They expect preschools and schools and the television to raise their child. These mothers are selfish by nature. They will spend hours watching a series of television programs rather than sit with their child and read. They will spend hours on their computer, surfing the internet, rather than go outside and get active with their children. These mothers cuss around their children, shove them to the side, make them fend for food when they're hungry, and neglect them in all manner of ways.

And if you don't believe me...walk the streets of any city and you will see this to be true.

Women don't even take care of themselves, let alone their spouse or children. They don't have proper hygiene. They are sloppy dressers, wearing slippers and sweat pants all day long. They have bags and sags underneath their eyes on a continual basis as they suffer from depression. They relationships with their boyfriends suffer dramatically. And I say "boyfriend" because many women have multiple children by multiple men and switch up living partners faster than I change the sheets on our bed at home.

These women need help! They need a female mentor to come alongside of them and train and teach them how to shop for healthy foods, how to bake a healthy meal, how to spend time with their children, how to take care of themselves, and how to have enough self-respect to set limits on the number of men they sleep with.

God is calling me to help these women...and I am willing to do so. I just need a bit of help in finding my way to start this program and help these lost and hurting families.

Lord, will you guide me and lead me? Will you show me how to do this? Thank you for giving me a heart for these women and families, and help me to serve these women with a loving and kind heart. Amen.

Days 308 - 310 - God is SO Good!

I was 16 or 17 years old when the cranky, grumpy electrician walked onto the construction site. Elmer, his absolute real name, had marched his way onto my father's construction site in the same manner for days on end, his overweight belly leading the way through the threshold of the newly-built doorway, as he shouted and barked orders and grumbled about his morning.

But that morning, while he was in the middle of his tyrannical outburst, I stood up from the electrical outlets I was working on, quickly walked over to him, and hugged him with the biggest bear hug I could squeeze onto that middle-aged and portly man.

Elmer immediately melted into a puddle of tears as he held me back with just as much force as I held him. And from then on, we were fast friends. From then on, Elmer walked through the doorway of the construction site with a smile on his face as I would jump up from whatever task I was performing and greet him with a morning hug.

This scenario played through my mind as I was praying for the millionth time that the Lord would help me reconcile with my estranged mother-in-law, who was due to arrive at my home in a few short hours. "Okay, Lord...I get what you're telling me to do. I can do that. It won't be easy, but I'll obey your nudge in this, if this is what it'll take for us to be friends once again."

Two hours later, my mother-in-law pulled up to the house. My children ran outdoors, screaming and hollering in excitement. I took a deep breath...and walked out to greet her, too. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty. She hugged each child one by one, and then stood and looked at me. I walked to her, put my arms around her neck, and hugged her with a hug just like I'd given Elmer all those years ago. And she held on just as tightly. We stood there hugging one another for quite a bit. And then we pulled away and looked into each other's eyes and smiled.

Yep, God had done it again! God had intervened in my life when everyone else said it couldn't possibly happen. When I thought the situation was doomed and hopeless, God repaired it and mended it without leaving a single danging thread. God is SO good!

"Stop being mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, forgiving...because you belong to Christ." Ephesians 4:31-32 TSB.

____________________________________

When the company had gone for the evening and my husband and I were lying next to one another in bed, we thanked the Lord for the restoration in my relationship with his unsaved, non-Christian mother. God truly has worked in this triangle of relationships: mother-in-law, son, daughter-in-law. God has helped my husband learn to cut the apron strings that bound him to his mother...God has taught me how to forgive someone who has hurt me so deeply...and God has worked in a non-saved woman's heart in leading her towards reconciliation. Praise the Lord!

Day 307 - Abbie and Neuroblastoma

This is Abbie. She's 6. She has neuroblastoma. Her cancer was discovered when her mother, Brandie, took her to the doctors for some seemingly non-threatening health issues. Turns out, Abbie had a very large tumor in her abdomen, and it can't be cured.

* * *

Abbie has undergone a year's worth of surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation. Needless to say, her outlook is grim. Doctors have quit treating Abbie's cancer and are now making her comfortable. Abbie's mother, Brandie, must be devastated. I know I would be.

* * *

I don't know Abbie or her mother. I know their friend, Jennifer, who told me of Abbie's condition. I spent two days crying. I can't get this sweet little girl's face out of my mind. I can't believe the amount of pain and suffering this sweet, young baby has had to endure...all for naught.

* * *

I don't understand it. I mean, I know intellectually that God has all things in His hands, that He gives and He takes away. But taking a child away like this is so, so...heartwrenching! My eyes have been swollen all day at work. On my lunch break, I broke down at my kitchen table and bawled like I haven't bawled in years. My heart breaks for not only Abbie, but her mother. How does she endure? How does she carry on? How gut-wrenching it must be to tuck your child into bed at night, knowing that very soon, she won't be alive when you go to her in the morning. How heart-breaking it must be when your child smiles up at you and whispers, "I love you, Mama," because you never know if it'll be the last time you hear your precious child's terms of endearment.

* * *

Brandie is a single mother, and Abbie her only child. Take her child away, and Brandie has nobody.

* * *

Father God, I pray that you might bring comfort to Brandie as she struggles to maintain her composure around her dying child. I pray that you might bring others into her life who might walk this death walk with her, side by side, encouraging and prodding her forward through her days. I pray that you might bless mother and daughter with quiet days together, snuggled in one another's arms. And I pray that you might bless Brandie for her continued faith in You, despite the grim future for her beloved baby girl. Amen.

______________________________________________

Brandie's words in her online journal: "God is good. That's all there is to it."

Day 306 - Get a Move On It!

I need to get a move on it! I need to quit feeling as if I have to have all of my paperwork ready, or all of my syllabus ready in order to begin the mentoring program at church. Just Do It!

* * *

I was feeling like I had to thoroughly read through books on mentoring women, or get my strategy down for the year of the mentoring program...when really, what I need is just to take that first step of faith and start it, and let God lead me as we go. At least that's what I think.

* * *

I need to also re-focus my desire and direction for this group. Originally, I wanted to bring in the younger women of the surrounding community/neighborhood for a mentoring program, and not necessarily keep it strictly within the church. My goal and plan and prayer was to get the younger wives and mothers of the surrounding area into the church to learn how to BE good wives and mothers...not necessarily focus on how to grow their Christian walk with Christ...although that would be an end result, for sure.

* * *

But initially, the women would want to come to learn how to be organized in their home, how to budget their finances and cook healthy meals, how to stay active outdoors with their husbands and children, and how to have a stronger marriage. As well, I wanted to have some of the more experienced mothers of the church discuss breasfeeding issues new moms might face, or how to survive the toddler years, or how to cope with a rebellious teenager. These are the areas I wanted to focus on, with a scripture and a prayer at the end to solidify God's authority in our lives. Hopefully, some of these young mothers might even decide to start attending our church, or a different church. But at least get them in the doors.

* * *

So Lord, I pray that you might focus me to do your will in beginning this mentoring program for the hurting and lost younger moms in the community. Help me to reach out and touch these women's lives through your power and your spirit. Help guide me and this outreach. Amen.

Day 305 - Peace Once Again

I finally feel rested and peaceful once again. After months and months of hectic pace, harried evenings, and stressful weekends...I feel peaceful.

* * *

I think one reason is because I took a personal day off of work to spend with my children and love on them. I think another reason is that I'm back to praying alone to my Lord, and reading my Bible in solitude. It's nice and lovely to pray alongside my husband or share a scripture and commentary...but nothing beats time alone with God. Nothing.

* * *

I think another reason I feel peaceful and well is that the sunshine is here! After being cooped up inside a cold and dark home, and after spending nearly all spring in drizzling rain...the sun has popped out from behind the dark, gray clouds and I can take a leisurely stroll in the sun's rays or even relax out in the back yard soaking up the sun's warmth.

* * *

So thank you, Lord, for the sunshine and the peace once again. I feel like I can handle anything thrown my way. I think. :) Thank you for reminding me how important my one-on-one time with You is for my well-being. Amen.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 40:31

Day 304 Feelings of Inadequacy

"But am I not a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, and is not my clan the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin?" 1 Samuel 9:21

* * *

Saul was definitely feeling inadequate when Samuel, the great seer, spoke to him and invited him to dine at his home. Samuel also told Saul a foreshadowing of events to come in his life.

* * *

Saul, although of tall stature, even standing heads above everyone else, felt inadequate at his upbringing in the tribe of Benjamin, the least of all clans. In the heirarchy of the clans of God's chosen people, his tribe, his family members, were the lowest on the totem pole.

* * *

How often do we, like Saul, say the same thing: "But I'm not worthy!" or "I don't measure up." With God, our inadequacies are an opportunity for Him to show His glory, just as He did with Saul. "As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul's heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day." (1 Samuel 10:9).

* * *

God, please use my inadequacies for your glory, just as you used Saul's inadequacies for your glory. Help me to overcome my own feelings of inadequacy and move in the direction you are calling me to go. Amen.

Days 300 - 303 What a Great Time!

What a great time! My girls and I spent Friday taking walks, going out for ice cream, visiting a local toy shop, and going out to lunch together. We walked and held hands, we laughed, we hugged. I was GREAT! Thank you, Lord, for my time with my girls.

It felt like the old days when I stayed at home with my two eldest children and we would spend days at the library or take long walks downtown together. It was totally refreshing!

I am back at work this week. My mother-in-law shows up next weekend, so we are busy preparing the house for her arrival. I have not spoken with my MIL in about 3 or 4 years, so I have been praying that things go well. She was originally scheduled to arrive on Sunday and stay one night, but she has changed plans and will arrive on Monday, just staying a few short hours. I will probably be at work during her arrival and short visit...so I may not even get a chance to speak with her. But she plans on taking my older girls off and about for a week, and then coming back to my home the following weekend to stay a night or two.

Since my husband has been working weekends while the owner of the business is away, I have been on my own parenting three children and taking care of our home. I have also been on my own to pray and to study the Bible each day. I do enjoy praying and studying with my husband...but nothing compares to my time alone with the Lord in deep and heartfelt prayer, and studying God's word, just me and the Lord.

Last Friday morning after praying that God would help me through my struggles in life, I turned to the book of 1 Samuel, the story of Hannah and her own process of grief and struggle, and the process she took during and after. I decided to write down Hannah's process to use as my own guideline when I am facing struggles.

Here's what I found: (1) Hannah cried out to God and poured her heart and soul out to Him. Despite the fact that Hannah was the favorite wife to her husband and was taken very well care of by him, she still suffered in that she was barren and could not produce a child. Sometimes I feel as if I shouldn't complain about the struggles in my own life because I have it "good" in other areas. But just like Hannah, I can take all of my worries and grief to the Lord.

(2) Hannah made a vow to the Lord, that if he would bless her and answer her request, she would in turn do something for the Lord, offer a sacrifice to Him of her firstborn son. Now, I don't believe we need to make vows to the Lord in order to have him answer our prayers, but Hannah's vow shows the depth of her desire for a child. As modern-day humans, we, too, may be so desperate for God to intervene and answer our requests that we speak a vow, as well.

(3) After Hannah cried out to the Lord, she left all of her worries at the Lord's feet. The Bible tells me that after Hannah cried out, she felt better, relieved in spirit and body. Where as prior to pouring out her soul she would not eat food, after pouring out her soul to the Lord she was immediately able to eat. I need to learn to leave my suffering at the feet of Jesus and move about through my day, knowing that the Lord will take care of it.

(4) The Bible says that the Lord listened to Hannah's grief and cries, and "in time" the Lord answered Hannah's request and Hannah bore a son. God hears me when I cry out to Him. Although he did answer Hannah's request, God may or may not answer mine.

(5) Hannah fulfilled her vow to the Lord. She took her firstborn son and gave him to the priest, to be of service to the Lord. If I speak a vow to the Lord, I must fulfill my vow. I can only imagine how sad and melancholy Hannah was the day she took her toddler up to the priest and handed him over. It's not even like the priest was living a very godly life himself. In fact, he wasn't even raising his own boys to live godly lives. But Hannah had promised the Lord...and she went through with her vow, despite any misgivings and fears she might have had.

Lord, I gave to you my request to be at home more often with my children, just as Hannah gave to you her request for a child. I will trust that you have heard my cry...and if you should lead me to a place in my marriage where I CAN stay at home more, so be it. But if not...that will be your will. Amen.

Day 299 - A Glimmer of Rest & Relaxation

Although tomorrow is supposed to be a work day for me, I took a much-needed vacation day away. Tomorrow, I and my three girls will spend the day together eating a yummy homemade breakfast, we'll walk in the drizzling rain to our local library for a bit, and maybe pop over to the local homemade ice cream store for a delicious treat.

In the afternoon, my toddler and I can cuddle up with one another and read books. And while she naps, the older girls and I can sit at the dining room table and play a board game. Or maybe we'll bake cookies or a pie. Who knows? But whatever happens tomorrow, I'm going to relax with my children and enjoy their company.

I miss staying at home with them. I miss that I'm stuck in my office all day while they're home on summer break. And I regret that I have to work full-time while trying to raise a toddler.

But...deep sigh...this is where the Lord has led me, so I have to believe that He knows what's best for my life and my family members' lives at this point in time. I apologize ahead of time to my two-year-old for being a full-time working mommy. It's NOT something I desire in the least. I'd much rather be playing with you in the yard, or teaching you your ABCs and 123s instead of sending you off for the day so I can work. I did the best I could in finding you a nanny who would devote lots of one-on-one time with you, a nanny who is full of hugs and kisses for you. Nanny isn't me...but if it can't be me, then she'll work out just fine. And she has.

To my middle daughter, who is 11 at this stage, I apologize that Mommy wasn't there for you after school days so we could bake cookies or take walks to parks or sit and visit and discuss your day. Again, this isn't my choice...I"m sorry, too, that I come home from work in the evenings tired and cranky...and then spend my weekends running around trying to scrub our home and take care of errands/business when we could be enjoying one another's company. Some day, when you're a mommy yourself, you'll understand that sacrifices have to be made. Our family needs my income right now. Our family needs the health insurance provided by my job.

To my eldest daughter, who is 16, I apologize that you had to bear the brunt of the housework each day after school when you could've been socializing with your friends or working on homework or be-bopping around town. You took on a lot of responsibilities when I had to work full-time...and I couldn't do it without you. You are a very responsible young lady. Thank you for helping me take care of the home and the children.

To my husband, I am sorry that you get the leftover scraps of my time. I regret that I am unable to put you first in my life, put our marriage first. But when a wife is required to work full-time, somebody gets left behind. All too often, it's the spouse. The children are just children and I will not be a mediocre mother. I'm sorry that I'm tired all of the time. I'm sorry that I whine about your inability to provide all of the financial needs that our family needs. I have tried over the years to create a perfect balance. Working full-time, by far, is the worst balance I have ever had to deal with in my parenting and marital life. I can't be Superwoman, although I'd like to be. Maybe one day things will be different and I won't have to work so hard each and every day. Maybe one day, I'll have something left to give to you. That's something I pray for daily and have prayed for for nearly 2 years straight now.

Lord, help us to enjoy one another's company tomorrow. Give us peace and rest and joy with one another. Amen.

Days 297 - 298 It's Been Lovely...

It's been lovely...but I have to scream now! That's me lately.
* * *

Monday evening, the court staff and I drove two hours out of town to stay overnight at a hotel where we held an all-day trial the following day. By the time we'd checked into our rooms for the night, it was 9:00 p.m. What a day!
* * *

Next day was an early one as trial started promptly at 8:00 a.m. in a conference room on the third floor of the hotel. We went ALL day. My little fingers went like mad all day long. My brain processed words all day long, converting the spoken English language into steno shorthand on my steno machine, and then translated instantaneously onto my laptop.
* * *

By 5:30 p.m., we were back on the road and heading for home. Got to the office, put away my equipment, and popped over to my home where all three kids were anxiously awaiting my arrival. Especially the toddler. She was full of hugs and kisses.
* * *

Everyone wanted my attention last night, and my head was about to explode. By 9:00 p.m., I was in my pajamas and my head was on my pillow. I think my husband tried to have a conversation, but I was just too pooped to care.
* * *

Yeah, it's been lovely, really...but I think I'm ready to scream now!
* * *

I realize that many women around this world have it far worse than I do. Really, I understand this. Which is why, when I'm praying, I'm thanking the Lord for all of my blessings in my life. I am thanking Him for my stressful job that takes me away from my children and my home, I'm thanking Him for my three rowdy and rambunctious spawn, and I'm thanking Him for my lackadaisical husband who would rather go fishing on his ONLY day off than help with things around the home.
* * *

Bitter? Yeah, a bit. But I'm trying to work through this, really. I want to be thankful, truly thankful for my position and place in life right now. But it's tough. I"m so tired all of the time. So much is expected of me! That which I really want to do, I can't because of all of my commitments in my life.
* * *

Lord, help me to be thankful. Help me not to be bitter. Help me to see the silver lining in my current daily life. Amen.

Days 292 - 296 Where's the Equality?

This is me today. I went home sick from work on Friday with a severe head cold that knocked me out. I spent all afternoon in my bed with a box of tissues and my netbook. I watched a drama movie while I coughed, sneezed, and blew my nose.

* * *

Before I knew it, it was time to crawl out of bed and prepare dinner in my jammies and slippers. Got food on the table just in time as my husband walked in the door from work with toddler screaming, "What's for dinner, Mama?!"

* * *

Cleaned up the dishes from dinner, wiped down the counters, and headed upstairs for bed around 8:30, went through the usual 45-minute bedtime routine with toddler while husband laid in bed with his feet up and a good book, and then crawled into bed myself. Slept great with the help of some antihistamine cold medicine.

* * *

Woke up at 5:55 a.m. the next morning as toddler jumped into our bed, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Made my way wearily down the stairs into the cold kitchen and got myself some hot coffee. By 11:00 a.m., I had done 3 loads of laundry, dusted several rooms, done a load of dishes, washed the kitchen floor, sorted the recycling items into their correct bins, straightened up the refrigerator, wiped down the dirty stove top, and mowed the front and back yards. Hopped into the shower and was in the truck and on my way to pick up middle daughter from a sleepover while toddler was whining in the car seat in the back.

Got home, made lunch, and continued to clean and sort and organize, and then began cleaning the upstairs. Did more laundry and washed more floors and dusted more rooms. Went back outside and used a hand saw to saw off several large tree branches that were overhanging my veggie garden.

* * *

By 4:00 p.m., when my husband arrived home from work, the house was all but spotless. And then I sat down for just a bit and finished going through bags and bags of Goodwill donations, making sure to keep track of each item we were donating because it's a dollar-for-dollar write-off on our taxes, drove down to the Goodwill to drop it all off, ran to the library with middle daughter to drop off her over-due books, ran to the grocery store for some fresh hamburger meat for dinner, and zoomed back home.

It's 5:30 p.m. and now I'm cooking dinner while I'm so tired I'm nearly falling over onto the gas burner. Place it all out on the table for the family, call them to the table, say a blessing, eat, and pick it all up. Do the dishes yet again, wipe down the counters, and head up to the bathtub with the toddler. Then it's the usual 45-minute bedtime routine once again while my husband lies in bed with his feet up.

* * *

Wake up Sunday morning with my head cold still hanging on just a bit. It's 6:15 a.m. this morning when toddler runs into my room for her morning snuggle/cuddle. Make my way downstairs and begin another arduous day of tasks and appointments, church and to-dos. Only this time, I make certain to nap for 1 hour. Wake up, visit with husband who arrived home from work at 3:30 p.m., then get the family ready for a picnic at the pastor's home.

Spend some nice time visiting with pastor's family and eating pizza and salad with sun tea to drink, then make our way back home. But we have yet to stop at Wally World for a few items before we can actually go home. So it's 8:15 p.m. and we're walking the aisles of Walmart for wiper blades, worms for my garden, and new underwear for the toddler.

Get home, plop dirty toddler into a late bubble bath, and do my 45-minute bedtime routine yet again while (you guessed it!) my husband lies in bed with his feet propped up.

It's now nearly 10 p.m. and I'm exhausted, and I haven't even packed for my out-of-town trial. I crawl into bed, uber-exhausted but smelling clean from a joint bath with toddler (can't ever get one by myself, it seems), and my husband makes a move. You know, "the" move. I groan and roll over. Not on your life, buddy.

My office staff and I are heading out of town today (Monday) for a trial. Although my husband has today off and normally watches the toddler while I work, he's been feeling sad and angry that he hasn't had a day on the river to fish, so a few guys from church take pity and decide my husband needs a day away from the daily grind and offer to take him out on the swollen, raging river for some decompression time.

Meanwhile, as I'm running around our home getting myself ready for work and throwing items into my out-of-town suitcase AND getting our toddler dressed, her hair brushed and her breakfast in front of her, my overworked husband is picking out his favorite fishing shirt and excitedly preparing for his much-needed day away from it all.

I'm at work now, nursing a few blisters and drinking hot coffee, and wishing...just wishing....that I had never agreed to bail my husband out of our financial disaster. Because now, it's up to me to carry the load. Kids need new shoes? Don't worry, I'll buy them. Kids need to see a doctor? Don't worry, I work for health insurance for the family. Want to take a vacation? Don't worry, I am saving money monthly towards this. Mother-in-law coming to town in just a few weeks? Don't worry. I'm getting the house scrubbed and polished and ready. Husband working all weekend long and can't help out on my days off of work? No worries. I'll take care of everything, including the yard work.

Day 291 - Cranky Monster

I admit it. I have been a bit on edge the past couple of days. This morning, I was a total cranky monster once again.

* * *

I am trying to plan a few days' vacation in Seattle with the family. Seattle is only an 8-hour drive from here. But money is tight, so I figured maybe we could just camp near Seattle in our tent to save on hotel fees, and then visit a college out there and take the kids to the Space Needle, and maybe the Aquarium, if there was any money left over.

* * *

I spent a bit of time Googling KOA campsites and their fees, reading reviews of State Parks in Washington where we could camp near Puget Sound, and even found a really neat campground just outside of Seattle in the middle of 1,000 acres of beach front and forested area. I got a few days off of work in order to go, even called the nanny and gave her that week off (she gets 2 weeks paid vacation every year...it's in her contract)...and eagerly planned and dreamed about the fun time my kids would have visiting the sights and sounds of Seattle.

* * *

And then reality set in. The cost of gas alone will be near $300 because we have a gas-guzzling SUV. And it still costs to camp. In fact, KOA charges $45/night for a campsite without water or electricity. Can you believe that? Even Washington's State Park is nearly $40/night. For a tent.

* * *

I was so bummed and let down. I mean, it's not like I'm greedy and I am desiring a week-long cruise in the Bahamas. Or a trip up to the Alaskan coast. Or even a trip to North Carolina for a week in a beach-front hotel. Nope, a simple, stupid camping trip is what I'm desiring. And even THAT is out of reach.

* * *

I was really angry, actually, that I am working full-time, my husband is working full-time, and we still can't afford A CAMPING TRIP!!!! I thought, geez, I spend my whole life in an office or a courtroom, and can't afford a stupid camping trip. What's life about, anyway? Certainly NOT what I'm doing now...sigh.

* * *

I AM feeling blue and upset today. And maybe I'm being greedy in the end in desiring this camping trip to Seattle. There are plenty of mothers in third-world countries desiring just a cup full of beans or rice so their starving children can eat and survive one more day.

* * *

Lord, forgive me for my greediness and covetousness this day. I'm sorry.