Days 77 & 78 - Mercy

Yesterday was Saturday and I spent the day at home with my middle and my youngest daughters. The eldest was working her weekend job as a waitress.

I spent hours cleaning, doing laundry and dishes...as usual. But the younger two and I trotted over to one of the last remaining farmers' markets of the season and even enjoyed some hot milk steamers from Starbucks! My middle daughter was to attend a birthday sleepover, so we then walked to the local movie theater and picked up a gift card for a matinee as the birthday gift, along with a pack of candy.

My toddler slept on the 15-minute stroller ride back home, so she didn't take a nap yesterday. I struggled to make it through my long afternoon with a cranky toddler and my body feeling as if yet another cold was coming.

My husband arrived home from work in the afternoon, eager and ready to do our workout together at the local athletic club. I went...but not happily. I was tired and my body was aching. Despite this, we enjoyed our time together strengthing our bodies and staying in shape.

After our workout, my eldest daughter was dropped off at a friend's home for a sleepover...which left only our two-year-old at home. I think my husband had plans for an evening spent together, just the two of us, once the toddler had gone to bed.

We even bought some expensive steelhead filets for a romantic dinner together, along with fresh asparagus.

But the dinner came out late, my body was now aching all over, and the toddler began an incessant cough that would not subside. Along with this, I made my husband sleep in one of the girls' empty beds because he was to get up at 5 a.m. to go elk hunting in the morning, and I did not want to be awakened at that time of day...and have the toddler awakened, as well. He wasn't too happy. In fact, he went to bed a bit angry.

Our night together completely spoiled.

Sigh...

That's the way it goes after 17 years of marriage, let me tell you. Times of romance are few and far between. Cultivating and maintaining our marriage was put on the backburner years ago as we tend to the daily grind and tend to our brood, tend to the home, tend to run-down vehicles or whatever else faces our day.

My husband loves me, but I know he'd like more time together. I know he'd like a more romantic side of me. I know he'd prefer more attention from me.

But reality is what reality is. I can't give 100% of myself to everyone in the household, especially when there's a demanding 2-year-old and a full-time job that drains me. And because my husband is a grown adult, he gets the shaft.

This is kind of a crazy place in life...we're no longer spring chickens, newlyweds full of BIG dreams and aspirations and grins on our faces. No, we're middle-aged veteran spouses who have weathered many a storm and come out on the other side a bit ragged and worn, but still standing.

I am saddened that I can't be the perfect wife to him. I hope and pray that God will help us to stay strong in our marriage...but more than this, that God would help us find ways to be stronger, not only for ourselves, but also for our children.

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My scripture for today really has nothing to do with marriage.

1 Timothy 1:13 says:

"Although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man, I obtained mercy...and the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant."

Day 76 - Off the Mountain...and Into the Woods

I changed my photo to the woods. I realized that I'm no longer on the top of a mountain...lost and without hope.

Presently, I am following a clear path...I just don't feel I'm totally out of the woods yet. There's a lot of things that God needs to take care of in my life and my family members' lives before I can say that I'm finally in a peaceful meadow.

I am walking on a path now. And despite the trees surrounding me, there's occasional rays of light that strike the path before me...pressing me onward. And Jesus is guiding me now. I know it.

I don't yet know what my future holds, as far as my job. I don't know if I will get my pay exception and continue working full-time to support my family, providing health insurance and accumulating retirement benefits. I may end up not keeping this job due to the decrease in pay...

Where I'll go from there is anybody's guess...if I have to go that direction.

For now, I am trusting God to lead me and guide me...because I've asked Him to and because His word says He will.

So I wait and trust and pray for now...until the path takes me elsewhere.

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Father, thank you for bringing me out of the wilderness and into the woods. Thank you for making a path for me to follow...and thank you for teaching me how to find my way back to you and my path in life. Amen.

Day 75 - Divination

I wasn't quite sure what to write today, so I told myself to wait just a bit and I'd find some inspiration.

I found my inspiration for today's blog from an on-line Christian women's forum that I belong to. One member had posted about "divination," an attempt to "foresee" into some sort of situation through some sort of process or ritual. Divination can be seen as some sort of systematic method people use in order to organize random events of our lives.

Divination includes, but is not limited to: omens, sortilege (or casting of bones), fortune-telling, horoscopes, astrology, palm-reading, feng shui, sorcery, necromancy, dream interpretation, crystal balls, numerology, Ouiji boards, "seers," and seances.

The Bible is very clear on divination: it is an abomination to Him.

• Exodus 22:18: "You shall not permit a sorceress to live."
• Leviticus 19:26: "You shall not eat anything with the blood, nor shall you practice divination or soothsaying."
• Leviticus 19:31: "Give no regard to mediums and familiar spirits; do not seek after them, to be defiled by them: I am the Lord your God."
• Leviticus 20:27: "a man or a woman who is a medium, or who has familiar spirits, shall surely be put to death; they shall stone them with stones. Their blood shall be upon them."
• Deuteronomy 18:10-11: "there shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, or one who practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who call up the dead."
• Micah 3:7: "So the seers shall be ashamed, and the diviners abashed; Indeed they shall all cover their lips; for there is no answer from God.

We are not to know our futures...it is in God's hands. We are not to speak with our dead loved ones...they are in God's hands until we meet again. We are only to seek God's will for our lives...

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Father, I thank you for this very important study on divination. Amen.

Day 74 - How Deep Is His Love For Us!

Today I am at peace. I am allowing God to guide me and lead me, and that is such a great burden for me to unload.

I am so glad that my Heavenly Father cares for me so much that He will lead me and teach me and show me His ways.

I am so glad that He loves me so much that he helped form me in my mother's womb...and because He formed me, He knows the intricate parts of me: what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what areas of my life need improvement, and what areas of my life I excel in. So when I say He is leading me, I know He will not lead me where I do not want to go or where I will fail...

Today I will interview for my current position. It turns out that the other applicants weren't qualified for the position, and I was the only qualified applicant! This is a HUGE Hallelujah! Because now the Judge can better go to Human Resources and ask for a pay exception and get my pay back up.

This morning, my daugher's nanny arrived while it was still dark. She helped dress my toddler and get my toddler's morning milk bottle. We were both scurrying around getting last-minute tasks completed before I was to leave for work when I witnessed something that melted my heart.

My toddler had waddled over to nanny, wrapped her arms around nanny's legs and whispered, "I wuv you." Nanny instantaneously responded, "I love you, too, darlin." And they both hugged each other.

I was so overcome with emotion on several different levels. First, I was overjoyed that my child would love her nanny so much. Second, I was thrilled to pieces that nanny was so at ease in reciprocating her love to my child. And third, I was blessed by God to realize how important this other woman has been to my toddler. She is like her own Grandmother: hugs and kisses, cuddles and caretaking.

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So Lord, I thank you for my upcoming interview, and I thank you for Nanny. Thank you for guiding me and leading my family. You know our needs and our desires in ways that we can't even comprehend.

Ephesians 3:18: "May we understand, as God's people should, how wide, how long, and how high and how deep is His love for us."

Day 73 - Not My Will But Thy Will

When I was a child, I'd often see the local Amish farmers training their new horses. The farmer would put blinders on the young horse, along with a bit and bridle, and spend hour after hour training the horse to obey his commands.

At first, the young horse bucks and pulls away, not wanting to submit to the authority of the farmer.

But after much hard work, the farmer has tamed the horse into submitting to the gentle tugs of the bridle. Tug left and the horse turns left. Tug right and the horse turns right. The blinders are so important because, as you all know, the Amish pile in their wife and children into tiny little buggies attached to the horse...and drive down main roads with cars honking and semi-trucks grinding past. The horse cannot for one moment be frightened at what lies to either side of him...but must look forward only and press on toward the goal...with only the gentle tugs of the farmer's reigns to guide him.

Much is the same with my life, I am beginning to understand.

My Lord has to train me to follow His direction, to go where He is leading me. At first, I am like that young horse, bucking and tugging against the Lord's will. At first, I am a bit frightened to submit my will to His.

But life is like that highway full of cars and semi-tractor trailers speeding by me. It's like my husband and my precious children are all riding in a small, fragile buggie as I am being led by the Lord.

I cannot be afraid. I must obey His guidance. I must TRUST that the Lord knows how to lead me (and my brood)...despite the pitfalls that surround me.

Matthew 6:9-13: The Lord's Prayer.

"Our Father, Who Art in Heaven,

Hallowed Be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done,

On Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give Us This Day our Daily Bread,

And Forgive us our Sins As We Forgive Those Who Have Sinned Against Us.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation But Deliver Us From Evil One.

For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory...Forever and Ever! Amen."

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"Trust in the Lord with all your heart...lean not on your own understanding...in all your ways acknowledge Him...and He will make direct your path!" Proverbs 3:5-6

Father, I pray today for your guidance. Teach me to go where you are leading. I am trusting in You. Amen.

Day 72 - Power of the Resurrection

It's Monday and I'm at my office desk drinking lukewarm coffee and typing my journal blog for the day.

Today's topic comes from Philippians 3: 10.


"I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection..."

I'm reading a study guide on the power of the resurrection, and it compares Christ's physical resurrection in the New Testament to the deliverance of the captive Isrealites from Pharoah's control into the Promised Land. This Old Testament miracle is the raising of a dead nation, under the dominion of Pharoah.

In the New Testament, the miracle is the raising of Jesus Christ from the dead. Then, because of Jesus' resurrection from the dead...I can be raised from the dead, too! John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son...that whoever believes in Him will not die but have eternal life!"

Amazing miracle, for sure!

There was a song my mother used to sing when I was a little girl. The song went like this:

"Would you be free from your burden of sin?
There's power in the blood, power in the blood.
Would you o'er evil the victory win?
There's wonderful power in the blood!

Chorus:
There is Power! Power! Wonder-working Power!
In the blood...of the Lamb!
There is Power! Power! Wonder-working Power!
In the precious blood of the Lamb!

Would you be whiter, much whiter than snow?
There's Power in the blood, power in the blood.
Sin stains are lost in its life-giving flow.
There's wonderful power in the blood!

(Chorus.)

Would you do service for Jesus your King?
There's power in the blood, power in the blood.
Would you live daily His praises to sing?
There's wonderful power in the blood!

(Chorus.)

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Lord, teach me the power of your resurrection. I want to know You more. Amen.

Days 70 & 71 - You Can't See The Enemy

I finally realized that I fight a battle every single day of my life. I fight a battle to keep my house in order, to raise my children with morals and values and strong work ethics, to keep my marriage together, to maintain my sanity (hee hee), and other various battles throughout my day.

But the largest battle by far is a battle waged against the Evil One. I can't see him...I can't touch him...I can't hear him. He ever so stealthily sneaks upon me and my beloved family members...stealing our joy...stealing our unity as a family...stealing our hope for the future...stealing, little by little, our faith in Christ.

The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12: "For we do no wrestle (battle) against flesh and blood, but against the principalities (demons), against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."

Everyday there is an unseen battle taking place in an unseen battlefield. My battle tactic and strategy should be this simple: Put on the armor or God! Be prepared!

Here's how:

"Stand therefore, having girded your loins with the truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful...." That's found in verses 14 through 18 of the same Chapter 6.

What, exactly, does that mean?

To gird your loins with the "truth" means that I have made a decision about Christ's truth of the gospel message...that He came to save me from my sins and that I will get to spend eternity in heaven with Him because of my act of faith. It also means that I believe the truth of all of the Bible...and that I believe in the "truth" of God and His trinity.

And what are my "loins"? Well, this is my lower back. In order to stand tall and firm, I must have a strong back. If my back is not strong, I will begin bending and bowing and falling. I must have something that strengthens my "loins." What is this? God's Holy Word. This is step one.

Step two: The breastplate of righteousness. Righteousness is a standard of truth...God's standard and not the worldly standard. Righteousness is not what I do for God...it's my surrender to Him and His truth. This makes me righteous in God's eyes. This breastplate protects my vital organs: my motives and my heart.

Step three: The term "shod" simply means strapping on my sandals. Roman soldiers wore thickly studded sandals with cleats on the bottom of them in order to stand firm on the battleground. My sandals can be compared to the Word of God, as well. If I stand firm on God's Word, then I am able to stand firm and the battlefield and not be moved.

Step four: This instrument of warfare is a defensive weapon in order to protect myself from harmful things coming my way. Remember the pictures in your mind of the first Gulf war...how the scud missiles were randomly launched onto the enemy in a barrage of death-seeking array? This is how Satan tries to take us down, as well. Or, Satan could be dousing a cloth-covered arrow with gasoline, lighting it, and shooting it my way. I have to use my shield to defend me. What is my shield? Again, it's the Word of God. Memorize it. Stand firm on its principles. Believe it to be true.

Step five and six: My helmet should be made of something very protective, such as the Roman soldiers wore. My helmet is also my salvation. It is what keeps my mind from following evil desires. It is what keeps my mind focused on heavenly and positive things. And my sword, which is small and easy to yield, will come in handy as I quickly use it to attack the enemy, to pierce his heart. Here's an interesting verse to go along with this study: "For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12).

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Father, thank you for revealing to me the unseen battle that wages all around me on a daily basis. Help me learn to put on my FULL armor so that I may not be defeated by the Evil One and instead may fight the good fight and stand victorious in the end. Help me to learn your Word and memorize it and stand strong on It. Amen.

Day 69 - Closer than a "Sister"

I have two sisters. Although we are close and love each other dearly, we live very far away from one another. There are often great spans of time between phone calls and we are not always up-to-speed on each other's lives.

Thank the Lord I have a few friends who have become like sisters to me. These friends cheer me up when I am sad, rejoice with me when things are going well, and encourage me when times are tough.

Proverbs 18:24 says, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." I will change that to read: "There is a friend who sticks closer than a SISTER."

Things have been especially difficult this past year and-a-half, so I am so very grateful to have these "sisters" to lean on.

I am most grateful, however, for their prayers.

"Oil and perfume rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend's counsel." Proverbs 27:6.

I love my friends! Thank you, Father, for blessing me with such wise counsel and such encouraging friendships. Amen.

Day 68 - I Wish It Was Friday

My toddler woke up this morning at 5:33 a.m., nearly one hour before she normally wakes. Once she was up, she couldn't go back down.

So we snuggled in her twin bed together in the darkness, pulling the soft, thick comforter up and over our shoulders and even over our chins. We laid there giggling as my toddler said silly things like, "My armpits stink," or "I have bugs in my pants!" She would caress my cheek, whispering "I wuv you, Mama." Then snuggle her head into my neck.

My husband was sawing logs in our full-sized four-poster bed, and our two older girls were sleeping off a late night of watching a comedy movie called, "National Lampoon's Vacation" with Chevy Chase. As I was drifting off to sleep, I could hear their giggles.

I was dressing for work when I realized, "Crud! It's only Thursday and NOT Friday!" I'd totally thought it was Friday and I was so ready for the upcoming weekend. :)

I bathed my toddler, gently washing her body and singing our bath song, "Wash-a-wash my baby gi-irl!" She sang along. She hates when I wash her hair, but this morning I let her drink her morning milk bottle in the bathtub, so she had that stuck in her mouth and didn't scream as I poured the warm water over her head.

My husband was awake now and sat in the bathroom watching our routine. He enjoys talking about things while I bathe in the tub or when I'm bathing the toddler. We have some really good conversations at these times. This conversation happened to be how proud he was of himself for learning how to run a front-end loader at work. My husband was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth (he comes from avery wealthy family), so his skills at running heavy equipment are pretty much nill. I was proud of him. What a very "manly" thing for him to learn. And he was so proud of himself, too.

Anyhow, I didn't have time to read my Bible this morning, but I thank the Lord for my family this day, for our warm home, for our refrigerator full of food, for our jobs and the health of my children. I pray this day that God would guide me and lead me...and that He would forgive my sins and draw me nearer to Him. Amen.

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EDIT: Okay, I'll fess up and admit that I'm scared about my job situation, that once hired, I'll be earning $600 less per month that I am currently earning...and I'll admit that I sometimes get nauseous thinking about "How will we pay our bills?"

And so I MUST trust God...knowing that all things work together for those who love the Lord. (Romans 8:28)

Day 67 - Unbelieving Spouse

I cannot begin to write how it grieves my heart and soul that my husband does not love the Lord.

He spoke a prayer 10 years ago...I did not hear it but he told me of it...that he would trust in Christ.

But that prayer has not been nurtured...it's like a seed that begins to grow in the cracks of a sidewalk. You see the first signs of life, two small green leaves beginning to grow towards the sky...but the hot sun scorches the new plant and it dies. There's no watering, no room for root growth.

I was thrilled when my husband told me of his prayer.

Ten years later, I believe he may have spoken it just to please me.

I am very sad not to have a husband who will hold my hand and pray fervently for me and our children. It grieves me that my husband cannot lift his voice to God and praise Him. It deeply wounds me that my husband does not teach our children about our Creator and Lord.

Today, I turned to the book of 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, verse 13.

"And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him..." and in verse 16: "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?"

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Father,

Today I have a heavy and sad heart. I have prayed for nearly 17 years for my husband's salvation, or some tiny glimmer of hope that he will one day come to know you, that he will some day become the spiritual leader of our small brood of girls. Forgive me for my sadness and sense of deep loss...and help me to love my husband, despite his lack of love for you. Amen.

Day 66 - God Works Everything Into Goodness

"In ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." That's found in Romans 8:28.

This means that God NEVER takes away except to give us back something better. It means we must be brave enough and determined enough to wait...because it often takes God time to turn a painful situation to good. It means we can embrace our struggle and not resent it...because a blessing is coming!

That was my Verse for the Day in my Women's Daily Devotional Bible, written by Ann Kiemel Anderson.

"In ALL things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37.

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Praise God for His holy word! It encourages us, uplifts us, and helps us to hike up our britches, roll up our sleeves, and march forward...despite the obstacles we face.

My prayer today is that you will be reminded of God's word that He will turn your seemingly negative situation into a positive one! Amen.

Day 65 - Being a Christian Means Trials, Too!

I used to believe that since I was a Christian, my life would be trouble-free. Wrong! I've struggled with one trial or another since becoming a Christian...and I'm not the only one. All throughout the Bible, from the Old Testament through the New, one believer after another has suffered through one or several major trials in their lives, as well as countless "mini" struggles.

For instance, I'm currently reading the story of Abraham and Sarah. Abraham and Sarah, despite being true followers of Yaweh and the True Faith, suffered barrenness for many, many years...and God had even spoken a great and marvelous promise that Abraham would have so many descendents that they would outnumber the sands of the ocean. At another point, Sarah was taken captive to be the King's wife. At another, Abraham had to wage war against another King who had taken his nephew, Lot, captive.

Abraham's marriage was not without its fair share of struggles, either. Despite God's promise of countless descendents, he and his beloved wife were barren. Marriage struggles ensued, Abraham took on a concubine, and thus ensued years and years of strife between not only Abraham and these two women, but his offspring and these two women.

There are countless other stories of Godly and Christian men and women of the Bible enduring their hardships.

Look at Esther...look at King David...look at the apostles of Jesus.

So although I'd like to believe that God and/or Jesus will make everything "right" in my life, that may not be the case.

My job situation may not work out for the better. But I trust that it can...if only it is God's plan.

I used to fear that my struggles in life were due to my lack of faith...as so many Christians have wrongly stated or accused me of.

It is only through my quest to understand God more and learn His ways that I realize the fallacy of this belief.

God does NOT promise sunshine and roses for His followers.

Instead, God promises that He will be with us THROUGH our struggles. That's where our real faith grows...through our struggles.

James 1 states this:

"Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. "

"And remember that I [Jesus] am with you...until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

Lord, I pray that through my struggles and trials in this life, I may grow closer to you and learn to persevere through my faith. Amen.

Day 64 - Being Spiritually "Fit"

It's Sunday morning. My toddler woke me up bright and early, despite my late night in going to sleep. I'm pooped! Even my steaming hot cup of coffee can't jolt me out of my walking slumber yet.

I had plans to attend church this morning...not sure which church...but I wanted to wake up the family, cook a large breakfast, and go to church.

But truly, I am exhausted. So I'm not certain that I will go. We'll see.

My scripture today is found in 1 Corinthians 9, starting at verse 24.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever."

You know from reading my other journal entries that I have a membership to an athletic club. I go two or three times a week to exercise and keep my body physically fit. My routine has been to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes, getting my heart rate high enough to burn calories and make my heart physically stronger. Then I spend about 45 minutes lifting weights to strengthen and tone my muscles.

But what about my spirtual fitness? Do I have a spiritual fitness plan? For a long time, I did not. I've developed a morning routine of reading scripture, praying to God -- thanking Him for all of the blessings in my life and then asking for forgiveness of my sins, as well as praying for others in my life.

Maybe if I wrote out a spiritual fitness plan, it would look something like this:

1. Read my Bible every day.
2. Spend time in prayer every day.
3. Pray for others.
4. Do at least one loving thing for someone else each day.
5. Try to please God in all I do.

Father, I pray that You will help me to train myself spiritually so that I might run the race to heaven...and win! Amen.

Day 63 - I Blew It

It's 7:11 a.m. and I'm once again at my kitchen table with my steaming hot cup of coffee and my Bible. It's pitch black outside still and the house has a deep chill to it. The outdoor temperature is 32 and the indoor feels slightly higher than that. I'm huddled with my extra puffy and warm red slippers on my feet while the central heat tries to make the indoor temperature comfortable.

Yesterday was an all-around good and decent day. We celebrated my coworker's 50th birthday party at work, I was very productive, and things seemed to have a very nice flow to them throughout the day.

I arrived home at 5:15, greeted my 2 year old's caregiver, discussed their fun day together, and wished her a happy weekend.

My 10 year old had already placed a pizza in the oven for dinner, so the aroma filled the house. My eldest daughter had requested time with her girlfriends at her high school football game that night, along with a sleepover.

It was going to be a quiet, seamless evening, for sure.

My husband telephoned to say he was on his way home from work and to meet him at the athletic club. It's our routine to work out together, side by side on the elliptical machines, several evenings a week. The athletic club has a large workout center, racquetball courts, saunas, plus a fabulous hot water natural spring-fed pool and accompanying lap pool. There's also a large indoor climbing and play center for children, with slides and rope ladders and a pit of balls. For the toddlers, there's a mini-version of the same with daycare providers licensed and trained.

So I dropped off my middle daughter at her play practice -- she's playing Oliver in our local theater's Christmas play, "Oliver Twist" -- and drove the youngest to the club. My youngest loves, loves, loves this place. She squeals with excitement when I ask her if she'd like to go. She's never cried when I've dropped her off to work out. In fact, she's run into the room and begun playing before I can even set down her diaper bag and sippy cup.

We arrived at 6:47 p.m., two minutes past our scheduled drop-off daycare time. I swipe our club passes and tell the front desk clerk -- a middle-aged man with no people skills -- that my 2 year old has a daycare arrangement and please print off her ticket for entry.

He says, "You're late. There's nobody here to watch her."

"But my appointment was scheduled for 6:45 and it's now 6:48. I don't understand." My toddler is running circles around my legs she's so excited.

"No, it says here that your appointment was for 6:00, and because you didn't show up on time, I sent the worker home." He's looking through his bifocals at the daycare drop-in information.

"Okay, see, I'm getting really irritated. This is the second time this month this has happend to me. You wrote down the wrong time. I couldn't possibly make it here by 6:00. I wouldn't have said 6:00. I said 6:45." My voice is cracking and I'm starting to tremble.

Front desk guy stands up tall and holds his large shoulders back and speaks to me in a very rough voice, "Even so, you're 3 minutes late!"

I'm completely ticked off now and I holler back, "Listen, this is the second frickin' time this has happend to me in less than a month...and if it happens again, I'm going to pull my membership! This is absolutely ridiculous!"

The middle-aged front desk man with zero people skills yells at me, "Hey! Quit talking to me like that!"

That's when I saw out of the corner of my eye the head of the gym sneak into her little office and close the door. She'd heard the whole thing. And instead of coming to her employee's assistance, she ducked out.

I marched myself right into her office and demanded she help me.

At least she has a few people skills, calmed the situation down, and told me that the owner of the club would call me on MOnday. Whatever. I've still driven over here, my toddler is running amok behind the desk now, pulling papers and gym equiment down off of the shelves.

My husband shows up, I explain the situation...and instead of him backing me up in my anger, he calmly says, "Oh, no big deal. I'll watch the baby in the toddler zone while you go and work out."

I wanted to run and hide. I had totally blown the WHOLE situation.

My non-Christian husband behaved in a far more Christian manner than I had! I was 100% embarassed...and 100% impressed with my husband.

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Romans 7:15. "I am not acting in a way that I would like, but I am doing the very thing I hate."

Lord, forgive me for my anger and my attitude towards the front desk employee. Help me to be more peaceful...and thank you for my husband's attitude in that situation. Amen.

Day 62 - Temptations and Trials

Today I woke up to black sky and a chilly house. Fall has come. I crawled out of my warm bed and made my way downstairs to the kitchen where my programmable coffee maker had hot coffee ready. Poured myself a steaming cup, sat down at my antique kitchen table with the lights on low, and opened my Bible.

This morning, I read from the book of James. This book was written by James, brother of Jesus, and was written to encourage our faith in Christ.

Chapter 1, verses 2-3 says this: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

This is definitely a time of trial in my life regarding my work situation. I've come to depend on the income, depend on the health benefits, depend on the paid sick days and the paid vacation time.

But God is shaking things up a bit. I can't depend on that income any longer. With the drastic reduction in pay, I will now have to depend on my God to supply all of my needs.

This is a time of character-building for me, certainly. And I want to tackle this trial head-on and come out on the other side having benefitted greatly from it.

I don't know the outcome. It's a tad bit scary...but I am trusting. Trusting that my God has this under control and He knows "why" this is happening.

Verse 5: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

So my prayer today is this: Lord, give me wisdom in this struggle. Give me the faith I need to persevere despite the bleak outlook. For in You, I have all of my needs met, even before I ask. Amen.

Day 60 & 61 - Trusting in the Lord

My work situation is bizarre still. The official job vacancy was "opened" so I could apply. Only the rate of pay has dropped siginificantly...$10,000 per year, to be exact.

It's goofy and strange and a REALLY long story, but I'll shorten it up. I was brought back on with this position after our business bit the dust. I was hired very quickly as a "temporary" employee earning a wee bit lower than when I held this job before our adventure into owning our own business. The pay structure shifted while I was gone...so now I'm stuck with the current offer on the table, as stated above.

That just won't work financially. I mean, currently I have $20 left over after every paycheck. So to drop $10,000 annually simply won't work. I'll have to find something else...which I've been looking into...but all avenues seem to be road-blocks. Argh!

But I spoke with my employer who will try to get a pay exception...it's a bit iffy.

I have moments of nausea and nervousness...but for the most part, I wake up, get dressed for work, pray, and trust in the Lord.

I have to trust in Him. I've asked Him to lead me and guide me. So the reason for this bumpy road back down the mountain and into the safe meadows below doesn't terrify me...but it does make me wonder "why." I already know the answer. It doesn't matter "why." It just IS. So I will trust in my God...

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"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding... in all your ways acknowledge Him...and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Day 59 - Speaking God's Word Out Loud

I belong to an on-line women's prayer group. There was a woman who posted her story of her battle with breast cancer. In her story, she stated that every day, she spoke out loud God's scripture on healing, God's word on guidance, and God's supernatural abilities.

She said she overcame her cancer in record time. In fact, she said the doctors were amazed at how quickly she recovered and was 100% healed.

So I thought I would apply that same principle to my life and my job situation and my family. I wrote out three scriptures taken from the book of Philippians, and spoke them out loud today, believing with all my heart and soul that God can and will be in control and will guide my life and my the lives of my family members.

I will post these scriptures for you to read. And I will be speaking these prayer out loud daily to see how this works in my life, as well. I'll keep you updated on the results.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, make your requests know to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

"I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"And God will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Days 57 and 58 - Still Seeking the Lord

It's been 58 days since I started to reconnect with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ...and I've made progress, although it's been a tad bit slow.

I've been discovering things about myself along the way, too...and things about my marriage. I'm slowly finding my way in these areas, as well.

Life seems to be finding a bit more balance, which I like. We are getting into more of a routine, which I really like. My husband's job is going well. He is enjoying it and is finding ways to improve the business for the owner. He is finding his groove there, and I am thankful for that.

My children seem to be more balanced emotionally now that my husband and I are more balanced and routine. Praise God for that!

My job situation still hangs in the air, but I have a sense of peace that God is in control and will guide and lead me, whatever happens; whether I end up earning too little in my official "rehire" and subsequentlyhave to move on and find something else...or whether the Judge is able to negotiate with HR and rehire me at my current rate of pay...or even whether I do something altogether different. I know that God is guiding.

I was struck by a thought this past weekend. Even though our business venture failed and we lost our shorts, God was leading. I am thankful we are back in Helena, in our Victorian home that we adore, and my older girls are back in the school system they have been a part of since Kindergarten. I can't explain why God led us there...only to fail...but I know God led us there for a reason that I probably won't understand until I reach heaven.

I am still looking for a new home church here in Helena. It seems that every church I attend has some aspect to it that either I don't like, or my husband doesn't like, or the children aren't comfortable with. So we are still searching that way, too. But my Bible is my companion, once again, and that is a good start.

Thank you, Jesus, for your plan for our lives. I pray that we will be obedient to hear your voice and follow You. Amen.

Day 56 - Of Course I Can!

Hello, Saturday! And hello to piles of laundry, mounds of dirty dishes, floors to scrub, toilets to clean, and rooms to dust.

It's my day off of work...but I'm still working! This is the life of a working mother...

I think my husband is clueless as to all of the hours I spend every weekend cleaning and scrubbing. He gets a day off and he says, "What should we do!?" I get a day off and all I see is my chores list dangling in front of my face like a carrot dangles in front of a rabbit. Only the rabbit actually WANTS his carrot...I don't want my chores list.

sigh...

Well, at least I'm with my children...and it's sunny...and I have a 1:00 Mary Kay party to attend...

Life would be extremely boring if I didn't have this large Victorian home...or my three children...or my full-time job. sigh again.

So I'm hiking up my britches and rolling up my sleeves today and facing this day of slave labor head on. "Of Course I can!"

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Thank you, Lord, for this day. Thank you for our health and our warm home and our refrigerator full of food. We are blessed. Amen.

Days 54 and 55 - A Husband's Prayer

Yesterday was crazy. It was up. It was down. It was all around. I got home from work and was 100% spent. But I found enough energy to drive to the gym and work out with my husband. It was a pathetic workout, but I did it.

After we got home and showered, my husband and I snuggled on the couch. I was still strained and stressed from my whacko day, so I timidly said, "Can I ask you a favor?" Husband replied, "Sure."

I asked, "Will you pray for me? [big pause]...it only has to be ONE sentence. Please."

Husband said, "Okay," took a deep breath and said something like this, "I pray for K and her work situation. Thank you that she is a wonderful mother, a good employee, and such a good person. Amen."

I nearly cried.

I responded with, "That's the best gift you've given me in years. Thank you!"

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So THAT's what it feels like to have a praying spouse? It feels MARVELOUS! What an intimate thing, too...praying together to our Creator and Father.

Lord, I pray for more instances such as last night's prayer together. Thank you.

Day 53 - Psalm 91 "My Dwelling Place"

Psalm 91:1-2

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

And verses 9 - 12

"If you make the Most High your dwelling -- even the Lord, who is my refuge -- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."

I am climbing back down this mountain towards my God and His fortress...

Days 51 and 52 - Finding My Joy...Again

I think I've already blogged about "joy." But I need to do so once again.
Because I can't find my joy...it comes in quick spurts over great periods of time.

I love when I feel joyful once again...only it leaves as quickly as it comes.

It seems that I'm criticizing my husband daily, my marriage daily, my home life daily, my job performance daily, my skills and abilities as mother, my housekeeping, etc...the list goes on.

When will I say, "I'm happy!"? And really, truly mean it? Because I'm so NOT happy.

So I will take this opportunity to list a few things that do make me happy, so I can focus on those and leave the rest behind:

1. I love my children! No matter how much they can strain my last nerve, I adore them!
2. I love my home. It's a beautiful antique Victorian.
3. I love autumn and the beautiful fall colors on the deciduous trees.
4. I love the smell of autumn, when the leaves fall to the ground in clusters and blow in the cool breeze.
5. I love that I have a large roasting chicken in the oven, along with carrots and onions and celery.
6. I love my washer and dryer.
7. I love my dishwasher.
8. I love my friends.
9. I love my family.
10. I love that I am getting closer to the Lord every day.
11. I love that I can get a sick day off of work and still get paid.
12. I love road trips.
13. I love hot coffee in the mornings.
14. I love when my toddler snuggles me and tells me she loves me.
15. I love when my husband brings me flowers.
16. I love when my husband cooks fabulous meals like grilled salmon.
17. I love that my eldest daughter helps me so much around the house: laundry, scrubbing, cleaning...she's so good!
18. I love that my middle child can make me laugh so hard!
19. I love that I can read.
20. I love quiet afternoons.
21. I love my cough medicine!
22. I love breakfast around the table as a family.
23. I love movies that make me laugh.
24. I love reading the newspaper.
25. I love going for walks in the warm sunshine.
26. I love my pillow.
27. I love that my girls are all so intelligent.
28. I love that I can go to church.
29. I love this laptop computer.
30. I love the smell that a homecooked meal makes.
31. I love the sound of birds.
32. I love the sound of the church bells ringing out the hours.
33. I love my ability to shop clearance and sale racks...or used clothing stores.
34. I love cell phones.
35. I love my mother's ring that has a stone for each child.
36. I love my Bible.
37. I love quiet time in prayer.
38. I love when God answers prayer.
39. I love sidewalk chalk and the drawings my kids make.
40. I love playing board games with my family.
41. I love when my husband fixes up the house or a vehicle.
42. I love going out to a movie.
43. I love popcorn!
44. I love a hot cup of tea in the afternoons.
45. I love to watch my children sing in their school plays.
46. I love to watch my children grow.
47. I love my garden and flower beds.
48. I love to kayak...most of the time.
49. I love to hike in the mountains.
50. I love to overcome obstacles in my life...and this part of my life is ONE BIG obstacle to overcome!

I really do feel better now....Thank you, Lord, for all of the above things in my life. They truly are blessings from you.

Day 50 - Sleeping off the Sickness

Today I'm sick in bed. Really, really sick. Coughing, sore throat -- in fact, it's on fire! -- sinuses ache, even my teeth hurt.

I have been a bit under the weather since Friday. But you know how you push through your sickness because you're too busy to lie down, put your feet up, and properly take care of yourself? Yep. That's me. I can't afford to be sick. Not when I work five days a week.

So the only time I can be sick...is on the weekend! Sad, but true. Such is the life of a working mother. And weekends are spent scrubbing and cleaning and doing laundry, usually. So guess what didn't get done today? You guessed it!

Ah, well...I have it better than those poor mothers living in third world countries who daily struggle for survival. They can never be sick. And if they are, there's no money to see a doctor, no warm and cozy bed to lie down in and rest, no vitamin supplement to go along with their chicken noodle soup. Poor women!

Thank Gods at least able to sleep most of my day away today.

I do feel a tad bit better...just in time for Monday!

Day 49 - As Unto the Lord

I'm just plugging along. Working full-time Monday through Friday, then scrubbing and cleaning on my weekends. There's absolutely no way to ever feel relaxed and rested with this busy lifestyle.

But I'm not alone. Millions of mothers around the globe are in the same circumstance as I.

"Work your fingers to the bone and what do you get? Bony fingers!"

That's something silly my kids used to sing.

It's Saturday morning, I've already done a load of laundry, cooked breakfast, taken care of my toddler, helped my 10 year old with her times tables, and read a few chapters in my Bible. And I've only been up for one hour. Yeah...that's my life. Hurry and do it! Because if you sit and relax, it doesn't get done.

My dream: a weekend where I can actually relax and sleep in.

But I'll take this busy life, I suppose, over the alternative: no children in my home. That would mean no laundry to wash, no times tables to go over, no toddler to chase after.

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"Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not to men." Colossians 3:23.

Day 48 - Emotional Abuse

Abuse does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, as well. It can be verbal through constant criticism, it can be controlling through repeated disapproval, and it can be done through berating, belittling, and intimidation tactics.

Emotional abuse systematically wears away at a person's self-worth, self-confidence, and self-concept.

With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, and criticisms eat away a person's ability to judge a situation realistically. Oftentimes, an emotionally abused person believes it is their own fault.

Types of emotional abuse are:

• Abusive expectations -- no matter how much you give, it's never enough;
• Aggression -- name-calling, threatening, ordering, and invalidating a person's feelings and thoughts;
• Constant Chaos -- the abuser is in constant conflict with others;
• Denying -- denying a person's emotional needs through punishment or humiliation, leading the person to mustrust their own feelings and needs/desires;
• Domination -- The abuser wants things his way, not your way;
• Emotional Blackmail -- using threats and other fear tactics to control you;
• Invalidation -- the abuser fails to acknowledge reality, "You are too sensitive. You shouldn't feel that way.";
• Minimizing -- the abuser trivializes your feelings and emotions;
• Unpredictable responses -- sudden emotional outbursts by the abuser;
• Verbal Assaults -- name-calling, screaming, threatening, belittling.