Day 17 -

I just finished up two full days of trial at work. My hands ached by 3 o'clock each day. Tomorrow is no trial, but another trial begins on Thursday.

This entry will be short since I'm so tired.

Tomorrow, my husband starts his new job. Thank the Lord he will be home in the evenings with the children and myself.

I hope this change will be good for the family.

Now, to get me down to part-time work...

Day 15 and 16 - Who Takes Care of M-E?

Mothering isn't for wimps. If you're a mother, you know this to be oh, so true.

My husband decided to clean out a rented storage unit this weekend, and he needed my help. So I just spent my weekend scrubbing and cleaning and caring for children and cooking and baking and mucking our a garage and hauling boxes from a storage unit into the garage and climbing ladders and bathing toddler and encouraging friends and washing, drying and folding laundry. Not one day did I rest, even though it is my time to "rest."

Because now it's Monday and I'm going back to my 8 - 5 job working for a court system. My coworkers are lovely, really. Even my judge. But there's 4 days of trial beginning today and I can't miss a beat or a mess up the record-keeping. See, while the attorneys and secretaries and even the judge can yawn and lose focus for a moment, or sit back and stretch their arms, or even lean over and have a sip of coffee...I can't.

I must stoically maintain my posture and fervently maintain my listening skills in order to perform my job as court stenographer.

It's physically and mentally taxing. My hands ache, my back aches, my head begins to throb. But I can't miss a single spoken word in the whole 4 days of trial.

And as I stated, I had a long weekend. In fact, I was up 6 times last night. It was the stupid cat meowing, or it was my toddler who cried out or it was my middle daughter...or whatever. But seriously, I was up 6 times last night total.

All while my husband sawed logs in our bedroom.

Mothering...it ain't for sissies.

When mother says, "Well, I should go to sleep," she REALLY means, "I have a load of laundry to do, some dishes to clean, the pets to take care of, the baby to bathe, the children to tuck in bed, and my prayers to be spoken before I can hit the sack."

And when a husband says, "I'm going to bed," he means it. Five minutes later, he is snoring while his wife makes sure all the little loose ends get tied.

So...my big question..."WHO TAKES CARE OF ME?"

Because it sure can get extremely tiring working full-time, working full-time on my weekends, too, and then working full-time all week long. And doing it all on nights like I had last night.

Maybe it's my coffee that takes care of me.

Maybe it's my bathtub that takes care of me.

Maybe....maybe it's my middle daughter who rubs my aching feet once in a while...or my eldest child who helps me around my home so much. Or my toddler who looks into my eyes and says, "I wuv yooo." And okay, sometimes even my husband can help me, too, when he cooks a fabulous salmon steak fillet.

Mothers aren't meant to be taken care of on a regular basis....we are expected to take care of everyone else 100% of the time.

Or MAYBE...the answer is..."I NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF."

But how?

Help me, Lord, learn to take care of myself, too.

"The everlasting God neither faints nor is weary...He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength...but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength...they shall run and not be weary...they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28 - 31

Day 14 - Jesus Delayed

John 11. Lazarus is gravely ill. Word reaches Jesus of this predicament. Mary and her sister Martha are griefstricken and worried. Jesus' response? In verse 6, Jesus delayed in going to Lazarus.

We want Jesus to answer our prayers immediately. Like ordering a meal at a fast food restaurant, we want immediate gratification. No waiting. And when our loved ones are ill, or when we have a concern, we want instant and immediate answered prayers. We are griefstricken as Mary and Martha were...or we are sick with worry.

Verse 17: "So when Jesus [finally!] came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days." Many of the Jews had joined the women to comfort them because their beloved Lazarus was dead.

Martha's response to Jesus? "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died! But even now, I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." Jesus says to Martha in, in verse 23, "Your brother will rise again."

It just so happens that Jesus performed a miracle...After stating that "I am the resurrection and the life," and "He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live, " and "Whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die." Jesus had the stone to Lazarus' tomb rolled away. Jesus was groaning and moaning as He lifted up His eyes and prayed to God.

"Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. And I know that You always hear Me...but because of the people who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me."

"Lazarus, come forth." And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth.

___________________________

We know that God chooses to heal...or not to heal. Our loved ones perish, despite our cries and prayers. Our prayer for a child goes unaswered...our prayer for a better job never comes...our prayer for the salvation of our spouse seems futile...

But know that it is ALWAYS God's prerogative to delay...or not. And because of Jesus' own words, we know that God hears our pleas for His help.

It's not always easy to understand why He heals some...and not others...why He answers one person's prayer and not another's.

But one thing is certain: If we believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life, He who believes in Jesus, though he may die, shall live [in heaven].

___________________________________

Day 13 - Dead branches on our ash tree

This photo shows our home with a 100-year-old ash tree looming dangerously too close for comfort. Some of the branches are dead and rotted, adding weight to the fragile tree as it tries to stand upright and bloom its leaves towards the sunshine.

Last night, the winds howled through the neighborhood. They were so forceful, they were terrifying. My toddler, who was playing on her swingset in the backyard when the winds began to hurl themselves, ran to me with total fear in her eyes. I snatched her into my arms, ran into the house, and thought: I think there's going to be a tornado!

Of course, there's never been a tornado in our town. We live smack dab in the middle of mountain chains circling all around, like a donut hole sits our town. But the sky had turned an eerie color and the winds were the most ferocious I'd seen and felt in 16 years of living out here.

I immediately was concerned for our 100-year-old ash tree, already precariously bent over towards the roof of our home. Would it snap and crash into our home? Would we be safe?

Several hours later, and many forceful blasts of wind later, the ash tree stood tall. A few small branches lay on the ground, but it had stood tall.

How many times in our own lives have we felt like this ash tree looks: leaning precariously too close to danger and wondering what force will cause us to topple over and crash?

Thank God that He is our strength in times of potential disaster, to help us stand firm and help us remain rooted.

This ash tree definitely could use some major pruning. Pruning would take away those heavy, dead branches, would trim it in a way that it could continue to grow as God has intended it to grow...healthy, firmly planted....without fear of collapse and destruction.

Does your life resemble this old ash tree? Perhaps it's time for you to allow God to prune up areas in your life that are dead and heavy weights...to trim out those areas in your life that don't allow you to grow upwards and towards Him.

Are you willing? Or will you remain dangerously close to destruction? The choice is yours.

Colossians 3:1 says, "Seek those things which are above."

John 15:2 says, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit."

Day 12 - Personalized Proverbs 31 Woman

This is a bit of light humor.

I was reading Proverbs 31 woman and realized a few things. The woman in these scriptures was (or does) the following:

• She sews and/or knits clothing and bedding for her family, merchants, and servant girls.
• She cooks/prepares food for her family and servant girls.
• She HAS servant girls!
• She buys property with her own $$$.
• She turns a profit from her wise business decisions.
• She gardens (vineyard).
• She donates to charity and helps those in need.
• Her business is making linen garments and selling them for profit.
• Her wisdom comes from the Lord.
• She is encouraging and hardworking.
• She is respected and loved.
• Her children and husband adore her.

So I wrote out what my own personalized Proverbs 31 might read like, starting with verse 13 (in comparison to the actual scripture verses):

• 13 She seeks out bargain sales and purchases fabrics for sewing projects.
• 14 She travels to several different grocery stores in town to shop for the best value and to find the freshest produce.
• 15 Her alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. so she can shower, do her hair, put on her makeup. She tends to her 2-year-old while doing so. She rushes out the door for work at 7:55 a.m.
• 16 She helps her husband pay for household expenses and the cost of raising a family. In their back yard, she plants an herb garden and vegetable garden.
• 17 She works out at the health club to maintain her health and vitality.
• 18 She enjoys finding sale items. She tells her husband how much moeny she saved them through bargain hunting; she helps pay household expenses so that the utlity bill is current so that they have power to run their home efficiently.
• 19 She sews with her Singer sewing machine, and threads her bobbin carefully.
• 20 She volunteers her time and donates to charity.
• 21 She does not worry about 40-degree-below-zero-days because her children are wearing Lands' End snowsuits and boots on the playground.
• 22 She would like to make her own pant suits for work, but she doesn't have that much talent. Instead, she shops the year-end 75% off clearance racks...or Goodwill...for her work clothes.
• 23 Her husband is like Norm from "Cheers." Wherever he goes in town, people know him and greet him.
• 24 She earns a great paycheck, and provides health insurance for her family members. She is building up retirement savings. She gets 2 weeks paid vacation for her family to enjoy. She gets paid sick days in order to stay at home with her sick children.
• 25 Dedication and hardworking are her attributes at work; and she shall rejoice when she retires because all of her hard work will reap retirement benefits.
• 26 She gives encouragement to her friends, prays with her friends, and has a hug for the neighborhood children.
• 27 She delights when her home is running like a "tight ship." She is so busy that she doesn't have time to idly watch TV (well, very often) or even take a bath in solitude.
• 28 Her children tell her she's a great mother and her husband is grateful to have her help with finances.
• 29 Many working mothers have done fabulously; but she is just chugging along.
• 30 Flattery is deceitful -- and hot, super-model looks are a waste of time -- but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.
• 31 Give her the checkbook balance and let that be her reward for all of her hard work.

Day 11 - God, Do You See Me?

Another morning of struggles...(sigh).

Last night, I was once again completely dead tired after having worked all day. I arrive home to three children who all need my attention and time.

But I'm so tired, all I want to do is sit out in the back yard and stare blankly at the kids as they play on the swings or play in the yard. I'm a total zombie.

"Mama, watch me!" "Mama, I'm hungry." "Mom, teach me to shave my legs." "Mom, the dog wasn't fed yet." "Mom, can I go to a friend's for a sleepover." "Mom, can we bake cookies together?" "Mom, look what I drew!" "Mom, I rearranged my room. Come see!" "Mom, the cat's out of cat food." "Mom, we're almost out of milk." And on and on and on and on...

Where's my spouse? Not at home because he works evenings, as well as days. As usual, I'm doing this alone.

I drag myself up and out of the lounge chair in the back yard and begin the monotonous and tedious nightly routine: feed the dog, cook dinner, pick up the kitchen, do a load of laundry, squeeze in 20 minutes on the home computer, make a few phone calls to my closest friends to maintain my relationship with them, bath time for the little one, middle child cries because she hasn't had one-on-one time, read bedtime books, tuck the children into their respective beds...and collapse into a deep sleep.

I woke up this morning to get ready for work. But my youngest woke up, too. So not only am I trying to get myself ready for my daily grind, but I have a toddler in tow. "Mama! Hold me!" "Mama, I need to go potty." "Mama, I want my bottle." "Mama, I want to watch a movie." "Mama, I'm hungry."

I ended up tossing her into a warm bathtub with me. At least I can keep an eye on her while I'm bathing. My husband is sawing logs in his bed -- I mean OUR bed, although I never sleep there. I'm always so exhausted when I snuggle my kids into their beds that I end up sleeping with one of them the whole night.

I get dressed, dress my toddler -- who is screaming because she doesn't want to wear the outfit I picked out for her -- and apply a quick coat of makeup. I have no time to properly style my hair. I pull it back into a clip. Oh, well. The attorneys where I work don't even notice, I'm sure.

I frantically wake up my husband, "I'm leaving! You have to get out of bed now and watch the baby."

He's exhausted. He lays there, trying to pretend this isn't his life, too.

I say to husband as he climbs out of bed, bleary-eyed and still partly asleep: "You know, I figured out that if I watch two children in our home, I can be a stay-at-home mom."

He gets extremely agitated. We've been over this subject a million times in the past six month ad nauseum to him.

"We wouldn't have health insurance if you stayed at home. Your job provides the family's health insurance." He is actually about to start yelling.

"I don't care. Why do I have to be the one to provide that? You're the head of the home. YOU do it," I shout.

And I slam 100-year-old Victorian front door as I make my way to my truck, tears welling up in my eyes.

I drove to work...but I don't remember one bit of it. I'm sitting at my desk writing this when I should be working.

"God, do you see my struggles? Do you see that I want to stay at home with my children? Please, help us find a way."

Day 10 - The Lord is my Rock

This morning, I read 2 Samuel 22, King David's song of Praise. David sang these words to the Lord, beginning in verse 1: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior....I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise"...and in verse 7: "In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my god. From his temple he heard my voice, my cry came to his ears."

My rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my refuge, my shield, my stronghold, my savior...what amazing attributes! My on-line dictionary says that a "fortress" is impenetrable, or acts as protection. A fortress contains a strong army of soldiers who will protect the people living within. This tells me that the Lord is a safe haven for me...where He will protect me without even the slightest chance of being infiltrated by enemies.

This one's super interesting, "deliverer." A deliverer is someone who takes something that has been bought to another address or location. Perhaps Jesus, who paid for my sins (bought me) is taking me to my new address, His home, his citadel, his fortress? That's pretty interesting to ponder...

A "shelter" is a place that is safe from something unsafe, threatening, or harmful. Because I am the Lord's, I am allowed entrance into His shelter...and I don't need a V.I.P card and I don't need to be popular or famous, either. I can be plain, ol' me and gain access to this vital safe place.

We are all familiar with a "shield," but let's break this word down, too. A shield is a piece of armor that is used as protection against weapon blows, arrows, bullets, and other projectiles. So when Satan tries to throw his fiery darts, the Lord is our shield that will protect us from injury and harm.

A "savior" is someone who rescues someone else from danger, a liberator, and even is likened to a knight in shining armor! Praise God, we ALL have our own personal Knight in Shining Armor who will rescue us and ride us off to safety to our new haven and safe place...a fortress!

The last part of the scripture above says that God hears my voice. Sometimes, we can feel that our prayers or our cries fall on deaf ears...but God's word says that is NOT the case. Whatever struggle we face, whatever illness befalls our family members, whatever business venture goes sour, whatever cry we cry out IS heard. Matthew 7:9 says this: "What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" NEVER say that it is not God's will to give you what you ask. Don't give up asking if the answer doesn't come as soon as you'd like...diligently seek God's will for your life, and He will bless you for it.

My cry is this: "Lord, I am tired. I work full-time and raise three daughters by myself and my husband is gone more than he is home. Please, rescue us from this dreadful cycle we've put ourselves into...And in the meantime, I will thank you that I have this job that helps put food on the table and helps keep a roof over our heads. Guide us and lead us...but mostly, forgive us. Amen."

Day 9 - Lord, Teach me to Pray

I can't believe it. I feel at peace today.

I haven't felt this kind of peace in nearly 10 years.

Ten years ago, my eldest two girls were little. In fact, my middle daughter was just a baby. We had rented homes for several years and really prayed hard about owning our first home.

There it was, in a black and white photo in the classified section of the local paper. Only $49,000 (compared to $149,000 and up). It was a total fixer-upper. My father, who had remodeled old homes for nearly 20 years, flew out to help. His first words when he stepped into our home: "Oh, no. What have you done?" Not comforting words. But we loved our first home. It was filled with peace and love. Every single room in this house required new flooring, new electrical wires, new plumbing, new paint, new windows...it was an endless to-do list.

I remember that our used dryer broke, and I had to hang dry all of our laundry throughout the little house to dry because we couldn't afford the laundromat. There was no central heat. We had to daily build a fire in the wood stove. It was next to that wood stove that we could sleep on our portable mattress every night during the cold Montana winters. We'd snuggle up beside the fire like cozy bugs in a rug.

I was at peace with my children and my home back then.

Because although we lacked the frillier things in life, we had our needs met. And...this is the biggest...I had Jesus close to me. Daily I read my scriptures, daily I sought Him in prayer, and daily I gave of myself to the local nursing home or neighborhood children in need or my local church as a Sunday School teacher.

I see on the side of this blog site that there are a few followers. Are you praying? Because it's helping. And I wanted you to know it.

Sometimes, we don't know when the prayers we pray are ever answered. Sometimes, it's nice to see a positive result from our prayers. I think it encourages us to pray harder the next time, or to continue praying...or even to start praying for another person's difficulties. So...thank you.

I've been praying, too.

The Lord teaches us to pray in Matthew 6:5-15. "Prayer" is talking out loud or in your thoughts to God. Prayer includes praise to God, confession of sin, asking for your daily needs, and praying for others.

"And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.

"But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.

"And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.

"Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him."

And then the scriptures go on to site the Lord's Prayer:

"Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgie us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen."

We are also need to know that God knows ALL about you. He knows what you need. So why do we pray then? One reason: you are very, very selfish if God always gave you good things without your even asking or thanking Him.

If you need something, don't you think you should ask God? And by asking God for what you need, you show that you believe in Him and in His word and you are obeying His command to pray. Most importantly, believing what God says pleases Him.

Edited: I wrote the above post at home at my dining room table this morning before I left for work. When I arrived to work, I turned forward my daily prayer calendar and this was the scripture for today, August 23: "When you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly." Matthew 6:6

Now isn't THAT amazing?!

And yet ONE more edit: My mother emailed me to remind me that my father did more than help with our first home purchase. So let me be very clear: My father was the one to replace floors, put in new electrical wiring, replace windows, and paint rooms in my home. In fact, he did much more than that.

Day 8 - Marriage is Like a Wounded Soldier

I know of certain Christians who won't marry another Christian because one believes in speaking in tongues and the other one does not...or one believes that communion is physically the blood and body of Jesus Christ and the other one says it's only symbolic...or one believes that Saturday is God's holy day and the other one says it's Sunday.

Are you kidding me? I mean, maybe these things are points of debate and discussion and hurt feelings...but I would give my right arm just to have my husband attend a church service or say a prayer at dinner time without being asked to do so, or for him to tuck the children into bed and lead them in a story of Esther and how God used her...But to knit-pick spiritual gifts or other topics of debate? I really, really can't wrap my head around the above arguments and points of contention. Do you each believe in Christ? Do you each pray for His guidance? Then...what's the big deal?

Marriage involves two totally individual people who have totally different upbringings and thought processes and emotions. To expect your significant other or soon-to-be spouse to agree on every single religious doctrine is...absurd?

After having been married for nearly 20 years now, I can honestly say that I'm not the same woman I was 20 years ago. I've "evolved" (Little "e"). I've matured...grown into myself...learned and changed.

So even if you DO agree on every single religious doctrine at age 24 does not mean that, after 20 years of marriage, three children, deaths in the family, financial losses, and every other emotional stress a marriage endures, you will be the same person as you were when you married.

Marriage isn't about loving someone so long as they agree whole-heartedly with everything you believe. Marriage is about loving your spouse despite your differences. Praying for your marriage when you disagree, and standing firm on the vows you spoke before God and your family members and friends, even when the going gets tough.

Marriage is not like a run-down vehicle that has so many things wrong with it, it's better to junk it and buy a newer model.

No, marriage is like a wounded soldier: You will carry your wounded mate towards safety, despite the risks you face. You guide your spouse towards the hospital for proper care and healing. And then you stand next to each other as comrades, despite the fact that one now has a limp or scars from battle.

"Let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7: 2

Anyhow, that's my 2 cents worth for today.

Day 7 - The Lord Will Give You Rest

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.

I'm exhausted. All the time.

I don't know if it's because I have a toddler, or it's because I have a full-time job AND a toddler, or a full-time job, a toddler, a 10 year-old AND a teenager....or maybe even because I have a full-time job, a toddler, a 10 year-old, a teenager, AND a husband who hasn't been around these past 10 months to help me carry the load.

Grocery shopping, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, carpooling, science projects, cupcakes for school functions, homework assistance ...plus everything I mentioned above equals one weary and burdened wife and mother.

Don't EVEN ask me to join you at a picnic on a Saturday afternoon or a wine gathering on a weeknight...or even church service on Sunday mornings. I don't want to go. Because if I do, I'm not getting my chores done or I'm addition yet ONE MORE "to-do" on my list of daily activities.

Yep, I'm exhausted, and then some.

Today is Saturday. But I don't get to sleep in. Nope. Toddler child was up and at 'em by 6:45 a.m. She at least allowed me to doze in bed until 7:00 a.m. Then it was picking up the house, bleary-eyed and with my full cup of hot coffee spilling as I scurried around the house, cooking eggs and toast for breakfast, which nobody ate, and watering the grass, feeding the dog, caring for our bunny, chasing after a wayward baby, and meeting my husband's needs before he flew out the door for work.

I collapsed into my bed at noon, not even having eaten lunch. But seriously, I could not take one more step. I slept hard. My 10 year old woke me with the 2 year old in tow. "Mommy! Time to wake up!"

Ugh.

I crawled out of bed, threw on my sandals, and headed out the door for the local grocery store. Not for groceries, though. For caffeine. A pop. And a BIG one at that.

I took a few steps out the front door and realized my toddler was naked, except for a tank top. Quickly, I found a pair of training underpants (the kind that are thicker in the middle), a well-worn pair of sandals, and her sunglasses, and we were off in search of caffeine.

Got it, returned home with one of the really, really big Cokes, and now have to pack for a camping trip to the river tonight when my husband returns from work.

And as you all know, packing for a family of five...even for one night of camping...is a HUGE chore.

We'll be late in leaving, I'm sure.

But I don't care. I'm too tired to care.

So Lord, please, give me rest, PLEASE, while we camp in the mountains. I need it...desperately.

Day 6 - Don't Let Satan Steal Your Joy

I must be "the glass is half empty" kind of gal because I tend to see the negative in most situations.

My husband was offered the position of GM for a local business. He'll finally be home evenings. But instead of being elated and excited, I'm already depressed that we will still struggle to make ends meet. Yes, he will receive more money overall, but the commission money won't start rolling in until December at the earliest. My husband says we will be in the same financial situation until that time.

I was up late last night with worry about that aspect of things instead of being uber excited that my husband will now be a "family man." I laid awake off and on throughout the night with my stomach in knots and my head spinning in fear of our financial status. And I was agitated and upset this morning as my husband rose from bed and kissed me good-bye as I left for work.

Now I'm at work, sitting in my quiet office, writing my words...and it strikes me that Satan has stolen the joy of my husband's new job. What a thief! And I allowed him to do so.

Instead of being on my knees in humble thankfulness and gratitude and a spirit of "God can work out the rest of the kinks," I was immediately thrown for a loop and worrying.

When will I learn to give it all to God and to quit worrying, worrying, worrying? Why is it that I can't say, "The glass is half full!" or "Praise and Hallelujah to my King, who is rescuing us from financial calamity and familial stress!"

Forgive me, God. Teach me to be positive and encouraging towards my husband, and thankful and at peace with your guidance...

Your word says in Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Day 5 - Don't Preach It To Me...Teach It To Me!

I've had company staying over for the last few days. Husband, wife, and three girls. Husband's parents live right next door to my parents, so we were neighbors throughout our childhood and teen years. In fact, my parents and his parents are STILL neighbors, 35 years later.

It was great to visit with him, his sweet wife, and three wonderful children. My girls are nearly the exact ages of his girls, so everyone got along fabulously.

We had a few late nights laughing and playing board games, and early mornings, since I have to get up to work.

I noticed that Husband had his Bible open and on the table each morning. It was...inspiring...encouraging for me to see a 30-something husband and father open up and read God's holy word at the start of each day. And what a living testament for me to do the same. I have a saying, "Don't preach it to me....teach it to me," by the way you live your life...and he is doing just that. He never once asked me, "What scripture are you reading today," as if to prod me along. He never boasted about his sacrifice to awaken early each day and spend time in God's word.

No, he never said anything, actually. But he showed me through his actions. And that, I think, is how it's supposed to be done.

They've all left now and are on their way to the West coast, to dip their toes in the cold waters off the shores of Washington and spend some much needed family time together.

It's funny how someone who pops into my life so briefly and back out as quickly as he came can have such a profound affect on me.

So...thank you to Jeremy and his wife, for showing me how to grow stronger in my faith and walk with Jesus Christ.

"Your word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against You." Psalm 119:11

Day 4 - The Tortoise and the Hare

"The race is not to the swift." So says Ecclesiastes 9:11.

Thank God! I'm more like the tortoise in Aesop's Fable, The Tortoise and the Hare. I slowly plod along, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Nobody can say of me that I'm a fast mover. It's more like, "I'm getting there...ever so slowly."

The Bible also says, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." That's found in Philippians 3:13-14.

That's important today, especially, to forget what is behind and move forward. Today, my husband has a final meeting with the owner of a local business for the position of General Manager. The pay is nearly $1,000 more per month than he is currently earning, and this position would allow my husband to be home every single night of the week. Hallelujah!

It was tough for my husband to let go of our failed business venture. Men take failure so much worse than women do, I think. But this opportunity, although not "golden," would bring our family into a better place financially and emotionally.

I am hoping that through my husband's new position, I can finally return to part-time work...and better be able to take care of my family and my home. But we'll see.

So I will keep plodding along this day, punching my time clock, so to speak, and striving to have a better and closer relationship with my Lord. Baby steps...baby steps.

Day 3 - Church-y Church

Hebrews 10:25 says, "Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another..."

I read that scripture and understand it to mean we should regularly attend church...right? Because if we don't, we might fall into our own way of interpreting the Scriptures or we might hold to one scripture and not another, or we might even start to believe our own theology if we don't hear God's word spoken to us and convicting us of our wrongs.

I totally get that.

But I hate church. Rather, I hate "churchy" people sitting in the church. I would almost rather visit the dentist than sit in a church pew for 2 hours because the people attending church are such hypocrites! Adulterers, slanderers, gossipers...the list goes on. Not that I'm any saint by any means, but doesn't it strike you as hypocrisy that the same man standing next to me in church with his arms held high to God in praise and worship is the same man who is currently in the middle of an extra-marital affair? Or the woman on the other side of me who leads the children in Sunday School is one of the worst gossips in the church? Makes me want to vomit.

I need Jesus and Jesus' forgiveness absolutely! And so do these people next to me. But I just can't get past the whole praise and worship service with hands held in the air, tears streaming down faces, total "in the moment" kind of worship with our Creator...and then 6 hours later, they're committing that same sin that is ruining their family structure or tearing down another church member.

But...I went to church on Sunday for the first time in months. I took my eldest daughter with me. She actually wanted to go. I wanted to stay at home with my sick toddler and my husband and my middle child and have family time. But since my eldest daughter had specifically asked me to take her, I went.

We arrived and found our seats. Nobody said "hello" to us except one man, gray haired and in a business suit. Whatever. I'm used to being overlooked. We are sitting in the seats waiting for service to begin. There's a young mother with her infant daughter strapped to her chest with a colorful Moby wrap. Cute. Mother is excitedly discussing her daughter's latest pair of shoes, mother's newest hair color and cut.

I glance over a few more pews. There are somber adults sitting and waiting, just kind of staring blankly ahead towards the pulpit. Nobody greets them, either.

A grandmother and grandfather take their seats in front of us, their grandchildren bouncing up and down. Cute kids.

Still, nobody else says hello. There are various groups formed throughout the room, chatting away and laughing together.

The praise and worship team walks to the front and starts playing their music and singing their songs. Nice music. Uplifting beat. Sincere words sung by a few up at the front.

Grandfather in front of me is really tall. I have to move over to see the screen so I can lip sync the words. Grandfather then takes the oldest granddaughter and places her standing on the back of the chair so she's standing taller than he is. I move again. Grandfather and graddaughter stay this way throughout the whole worship service, with no regard for anyone behind. Whatever. I'm used to selfish people.

During worship, I see lots of arms raised, tears coming down faces. These same people who never once said hello to me or my daughter but were huddled in their "cliques" earlier. Whatever. I'm used to that, too. By the way, this church is rather small, so it's easy to spot a "newbie."

Sunday School director comes forward and brings up some young children with her. They're discussing Vacation Bible School and it's success. Cute kids. They're not really paying attention t0 what the director is talking about...but neither am I.

Prayer. Offering collection. I place in $5. The only cash I have on hand. My bank account is drained from buying the girls their school shoes and school supplies and paying my arm's length of bills. I'm sure God will be okay with $5. It's better than nothing. I squish it up like a rolled ciagrette so that the usher can't tell that I've put into the gold dish a measley $5.

Sermon time. It's the gray-haired guy in the suit. Kind of a dry sermon, but he keeps on track and follows an outline that was handed out in the church bulletin. He has to hurry because the congregation is getting antsy.

One more song, and service is over.

Nobody...not one single other person...greets us or says good-bye.

We exit the church with just ONE person in that whole congregation who acknowledged our presence.

Well, at least we went...right?

Day 2 - About Me

About Me...

I'm a wife of nearly 20 years and I have three daughters. I work full-time. My husband works two jobs. We hardly see each other. We are like ships passing in the night. I'm asleep when he gets home...he's asleep when I leave for work. Weekends are a bit better. At least we have every other weekend together. But that's hard on a marriage...and our children.

A few years back, my husband had an upper-management job, was raking in the dough, but was under an incredible amount of stress and anxiety. He'd lie awake at nights with worry about his job duties, his employees, the Board of Directors. I finally convinced him (after much prayer) to quit his job, buy a small general store out in the country, and we'd work side by side forever. The business failed one year later and we lost our whole retirement savings, as well.

Thank goodness we didn't lose our house. It had never sold. So we moved back into town and began struggling daily to pay our bills and make ends meet.

I was able to move back into my former job...only this time, I had to take full-time work. I've never worked full-time in our whole marriage. We always felt our children came first, so part-time would work great. And it did. Ten years ago, I was a Sunday School teacher at our Lutheran Church. I used to have time to bake cookies and take fun trips downtown to the library and ice cream shop with my children. We would sew crafts, read books, and hang out together as mother and daughters. I had time to "train" them, as well. "Darlin, that's bad manners. Here's how you should've done it," or "Stomping your foot at me won't get you anywhere." And it didn't.

I stuck to my guns as a parent. My children did not cross that line...well, rarely.

Now, I'm so exhausted that I really don't give a hoot. Okay, I do give a hoot, but I'm too tired. My house is in disarray on a weekly basis. I can't attend some of their school functions because I'm working. No more fun field trips. Our weekends are jam packed with "fun" things to do in order to make up for the daily things I'm missing.

As for my marriage...well, where do I begin? We never see each other. Ever. And when we do, it's awkward at times. We're both tired. We're both depressed. He wants more "alone" time together...and I just want some alone time. Ten years ago, I was wearing an apron and cooking homemade meals, ironing husband's dress shirts, and volunteering at the local nursing home. Now, I'm seeing a counselor. Counselor's great. But counselor's not Him. And I know that He can turn things around much better than counselor can.

That's why I'm starting this Wilderness Way on-line journal...because that's where I feel we are right now...in the Wilderness. And we need to find our way back to a peaceful place in our lives as a family.

So I am going to try to find our way back. I understand that if I ask, He is immediately beside me. The problem is, we're in the middle of nowhere, and He will have to guide this group of wayward family members to the place where He wants us to be...which isn't here. I know it. It can't be right.

God...take my hand and I'll take yours. I'm asking because my husband doesn't know how. I'm pleading because I need You. I'm crying out because my children are wandering lost, too...

Day 1 - I Cry Out To God

Somewhere along the way, I lost Him. It's not like I tossed Him aside knowingly one day and said, "I'm done playing with you," like my youngest daughter might say to her dolly.

No. It was more like: We were walking hand in hand, and then we weren't, and then I veered off the path to forge my own and lost Him.

So now I'm calling out to Him, a tad bit panicked, even. "Here I am! Here I am! Can you see me? Can you find me? I can't see you anymore! I'm lost and I'm high up on this mountain side and I don't know my way!" My voice echoes throughout the valley below...but there's no answer, no reply of help on the way. My hands are cold. I wish I could hold His again at this very moment.

But my actions in forging my own path, going higher and higher onto this mountain alone (excited at first at the beauty and the scenery), have taken me into the Wilderness. And I am without my Guide.

It was a long time ago that I started out on my own path. At first, I kept my path parallel to His. At times, I'd look over and see Him nearby and think I was okay to keep traveling on my own rocky road. Then my path veered a few times too sharply away from His path, and then I couldn't see Him any longer...but once in a while I could hear Him calling my name. Security.

I veered again. This time, no more sight of Him...and no more could I hear Him call my name. Just me...and the Wilderness. Panic now. What had I done? How can I find my way back? I'm clawing my way through the thick brush that scrapes my ankles and burns my knees. It's not so bright on this path. Darkness. Tall trees that cast shadows and make me shiver with fright.

I want to find my way back to Him. I'm calling...I'm exhausted from fright...will He hear me? Will He meet me and take my hand and lead me once again?

This is Day 1 of my cries to Him...How do I find Him again?