Day 199 (b) Ants in My Pants

I was not created to lead a quiet and simple life.

Maybe it's because I was raised in a dysfunctional home and things were never peaceful or at rest that I long for the excitement of adventure in my own adult life.

Maybe it's because God is forever calling me for more, more, more...and I am SO excited to serve!

Sitting at my office desk Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., sure is a nice way to pay my bills and provide health insurance...but I long for adventure and a sense of purpose beyond my office walls.

Work all day, walk into the house at 5:30 exhausted and cranky...tired by 8:30 p.m. so I hit the hay...and do it just the same way five days in a row.

Weekend hits and I'm a zombie in my jammies all day Saturday...barely able to get through my day because I need time to unwind and relax. Sunday rolls around, hop out of bed, throw breakfast on the table, hop in the car and go to church, then it's nap time, then I have a few hours to spend before it's dinner and bed.

And then Monday morning comes once again!

I swear, it's like the movie "Groundhog Day," where the alarm goes off and every single stinking day is the same routine.

Ugh.

I really don't think I can do this for the next 10 years. I will literally go insane.

God, you have created me with a sense of adventure and a sense of deep purpose here on this earth...and I am sitting in my box-shaped office typing out reports and sitting in trials. I really do appreciate this job, don't get me wrong. It pays our bills, buys us groceries, and gives us much-needed health insurance.

But...is this it? Same thing day in and day out?

Seriously...am I forever to be waking up and thinking, "Ugh...not again."

Please, guide my life. Guide my husband's life. Lead us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Days 197 - 199 Christ's Ambassadors

"We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us."

2 Corinthians 5: 20

Ambassador: A highest-ranking diplomat who represents a nation and is usually working within a foreign government.

"And He died for all...that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again."

2 Corinthians 5:15

As a believer in Christ, I am an ambassador in a land that is not my real home. So is every Christian. According to Paul, our citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20). As an ambassador of Christ, my task is to lead people to the Savior so that they, too, become citizens of the eternal kingdom. I must take my assignment seriously. It's a great privilege to have my citizenship in heaven. It's an equally great obligation to be an ambassador of that heavenly kingdom. (Herb Vander Lugt).

Let us go forth, as called of God,

Redeemed by Jesus' precious blood;

His love to show, His life to live,

His message speak, His mercy give.

- Whittle

_________________________

By the way, my week-long trials were settled out of court late last week, Praise the Lord! I can now attend the Christian music concert with my family this weekend.

Day 196 - Finding our Calling

I told God yesterday that I hear Him calling...but I did not know where to go.

It wasn't the right time in our lives before. My husband was not yet saved. But now he is...and he is looking for God's guidance and direction, too.

So I sat at my desk and thought: "My husband would love to serve where he can also fly fish. And where are some really great fly fishing places in the world? Belize!" In fact, my husband has often over the 17 years of our marriage spoken of Belize and how he longs to go there one day.

My heart started pounding faster. My fingers typed in "Belize mission trip," and up popped an organization: Praying Pelican Missions, with Belize as one of their countries for mission trips!

Great site, full of color photos, journal entries of previous mission trips to this area, and also videos to watch, as well.

I said a prayer to the Lord at my desk, "Lord, this is perfect! But how to bring it up to my husband? Provide me with the words and an opening."

I spent a bit of spare time -- between answering the office phones and doing office paperwork -- emailing the head of this mission program and requesting a video to be sent to our home. I looked at lots of photos and information about Belize.

It's definitely a third-world country. There is a problem with drug-related crime for travelers. You must travel in large groups. But there are mountains, just like here in Montana, and also the warm and tropical sea. Ancient ruins and scuba-diving and, like I said, fly fishing in the sea!

But there is also a HUGE need in Belize for Christians who want to volunteer their time serving here. Teaching classes, building new buildings, feeding the hungry, praying, etc.

I was totally excited! At my lunch break, I telephoned my husband at work and just blurted it out, "Honey, let's go on a mission trip to Belize! Wanna go?"

His immediate response was, "That would be fabulous!"

He was a bit hesitant at leaving behind our three children...how to take time off of work...how to finance such a trip.

But within 20 minutes of arriving back at my office from my lunch break, my mother had emailed and said, "Your dad and I will come out and watch the children for you when you go," and the head honcho from the mission program telephoned my husband from headquarters in Houston, Texas, and spoke with my husband.

Talk about whirlwind! The wheels are slowly moving now, moving us closer to going to Belize.

The only obstacle: financing.

But you know what? If this is where the Lord would have us go...He will help provide the income necessary in order to go and serve.

Matthew 28:19 says: "Go ye therefore into all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost."

Okay, Lord, today's prayer is that if you would have us go to Belize, You will lead us and guide us. Amen.

Day 195 - Fulfilling our Individual Calling

Last night's sermon at church was a really great reminder that God has called each of us individually to fulfill His will for our lives.

We are not all called to be a Billy Graham of this world...we may, instead, be called to be the person who prays for Billy Graham on a daily basis. And if we are called to do such a thing, God will reward the same as He would if we were actually Billy Graham. With God, there is no heirarchy level in our "calling."

We are not all called to serve in Haiti...but perhaps we might be called to serve as a custodian of the church or a bus driver for the children's program, or a cook who prepares Wednesday night's meals for the outreach ministry.

But the emphasis was on listening to God calling us...and then fulfill our calling.

Also of importance, it matters not our age when we are called. The pastor said that Moses wasn't even called until his 80s. So we shouldn't think to ourselves, "I will leave that to the younger folk," because God can use us at any age.

I would like to add that our "calling" might change for the various times in our lives. For instance, right now, at this point in my life, my "calling" is to help the hurting children of this world through my role as Big Sister with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program...or to begin foster parenting an abused and neglected child through Human Services.

But maybe when I'm a retired, gray-haired woman, my calling may change.

When my older children were small and I stayed at home with them, a calling I had was to reach out to the elderly at the local nursing home. And we did. God used us to befriend a lonely, crippled, wheelchair-bound woman named Hazel who had zero family and zero friends who visited her. We were it! And she cherished us as much as we cherished her. Her name was Hazel. And when she died, we were the family that was notified because she had no next of kin.

Looking back, I thank God that we were heeding God's call in our lives to minister to Hazel (and others) at the nursing home. She would've died a sad and lonely woman if we hadn't become her friends.

So my prayer today is that I would obey God's calling on my life at this point in time...and I should know that if God is calling me to do something, He will surely make it succeed.

John 15:14: "You are my friends if you do what I command."

"God will instruct him in the way chosen for him." Psalm 25:12

Day 194 - Husband's Slippers and Organic Groceries

My eldest daughter and I spent hours spring cleaning out my husband's bedroom closet. It looked like a bomb had exploded inside that tiny little hole in our bedroom. Clothes and shoes and papers and magazines and ammo and cardboard boxes spilling out of the opening like a volcano erupting!

We organized, boxed stuff up, swept it up and made it nice and neat. We even found a couple pairs of really nice, leather slippers, too...which we place a pair at the front and back doors...because my husband likes to walk inside from outside and tramp snow and ick throughout the clean wood floors. He doesn't even care about the dirt or water he's leaving behind for us to clean up.

So...I asked him to please remove his wet/dirty shoes and boots upon entering the home from now on. I even showed him how easy it would be to sit on the bench at the front door or a chair at the back door to remove his shoes and place his slippers on his feet.

But do you know what he replied?

"I'm not doing that."

And he really didn't, either! The next time he let our stupid, smelly, barking, whining dog outside to poop (which there is a growing lake of human-sized turds in our yard because my husband refuses to pick up after HIS pet), he walked right back into the house with snowy, wet shoes on and proceeded to walk right past me in the kitchen, through the dining room, and into another area of our home...all with a smirk of defiance on his face.

Seriously!?? He refuses to change into his slippers? I was PO'd, to say the least.

So I did something mean. I took his slippers and tossed them onto the lid of our garbage can. What I really wanted to do was put them inside the garbage can, along with wet coffee grounds and last night's dinner scrapings.

I am still miffed about this a full day later...and, as usual, he acts as if he is king of the castle and and Mr. Loverboy.

Well, I wish I could smack him upside his balding head and scream out my frustration! He never, never, never, EVER washes our floors. So what's the big deal, anyway?!

Why be so pig-headed and stubborn about taking off his shoes when he enters the house? It's not like I'm asking him to take off his penis.

Okay, I'm getting worked up again. I'll switch topics.

_________________________________

I am back on my "organic and all natural" health food kick. Since my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, I have been uber-aware of all of the chemicals in our foods/lotions/shampoos, etc. I vowed to buy organic or all-natural only from now on..for the second time around.

I spent nearly $80 more on last night's grocery shop due to buying all organic and all natural! I shop every two weeks...so that's an extra $160 per month if I continue to shop like this! Yikes! I don't have that extra money!

I am so torn, though: Do I buy the cheaper, chemical-filled and processed foods...or do I buy organic?

Seriously, everything I bought was organic, and on sale, even!

• organic milk
• organic breads
• organic meat
• organic fruit
• organic noodles
• organic sauces
• organic body lotion
• organic TOILET PAPER!!!!

Today, I'm kicking myself.

I wonder, though...how can I keep our family eating healthy...without all of the pesticides and hormones and other yucky stuff AND keep my grocery bills down?

Lord, I pray that you would give me a more humble spirit and attitude towards my overbearing and insensitive husband. Amen. :)

Days 190 - 193 Is It Spring Yet!?

Is it spring yet!?

The cold temperatures keep returning -- and I'm talking below zero temperatures -- and it's nearly the end of February!

There's new snow on the ground at least 6 inches deep. My husband shoveled a path all around our house for pedestrians this past weekend.

I can't wait for some sunshine on my face and arms!

It was a 3-day weekend this past weekend. Despite the snowy, cold temperatures, I was in a spring cleaning mood. I cleaned out closets, hauled boxes down to the basement, scrubbed out the refrigerator, cleaned underneath beds, dusted woodwork and trim in windowsills, cleaned out dresser drawers, washed a TON of dirty laundry and cooked some fabulous dinners. I even had my husband wash our dirty, smelly chocolate lab.

My eldest daughter remarked, "Wow, Mom, I like this cleaning mood you're in!"

Sometimes I amaze myself with my energy level and drive.

I am going to be busy preparing for a set of week-long trials that are beginning next Monday in Libby, Montana -- a six hour drive from Helena! In fact, I am already worrying about them. This will be the most difficult week of my court reporting career. My hands will ache, my back will ache, it will be extremely difficult due to the expert witnesses/doctors flying in from all over the U.S. It's the beginning of the asbestosis cases coming out of the W.R. Grace & Co.'s mine. Hundreds of employees have died from asbestosis exposure. Even their spouses are dying from asbestosis exposure. The wives would shake out their husband's dusty clothing before washing. They inhaled the vermiculite particles...viola! Asbestosis, too.

So I am praying that the Lord would help me to prepare myself to be on top of my game next week. I am praying that I would have strength and energy and stamina to get through these arduous trials. I pray that the Lord would guide my judge in his decision-making, that the Lord would be present at these trials and be with those who are suffering so badly from poor health. Amen.

Day 189 - Resentment

Many people are driven by resentment and anger. They hold on to hurts and never get over them.

Instead of releasing their pain through forgiveness, they rehearse it over and over in ther minds.

Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent.

While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.

Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now...unless you hold onto the pain through resentment. Your past is your past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it...and then let it go.

The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do."

______________________

That's an excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life, Chapter 3, by Rick Warren. I couldn't have picked up this book at a better time. I really, really need to learn to move past the resentment I am feeling towards my husband because of the years I spent in a dysfunctional marriage.

A few close friends have comforted me through this time. They have offered me encouragement and scripture verses.

I know that there are many in this world who have suffered far worse than a dysfunctional marriage, so it stands to reason that if they can forgive and not hold resentment, then I should be able to do the same.

I am trying...

Lord, help me to let go of my resentment and move through my pain and on to joy again. In Jesus' name, Amen.

*** 2 Cor. 6:14: "Do not be partners with an unbeliever. For what do righteousness and evil have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness."