Day 17 -

I just finished up two full days of trial at work. My hands ached by 3 o'clock each day. Tomorrow is no trial, but another trial begins on Thursday.

This entry will be short since I'm so tired.

Tomorrow, my husband starts his new job. Thank the Lord he will be home in the evenings with the children and myself.

I hope this change will be good for the family.

Now, to get me down to part-time work...

Day 15 and 16 - Who Takes Care of M-E?

Mothering isn't for wimps. If you're a mother, you know this to be oh, so true.

My husband decided to clean out a rented storage unit this weekend, and he needed my help. So I just spent my weekend scrubbing and cleaning and caring for children and cooking and baking and mucking our a garage and hauling boxes from a storage unit into the garage and climbing ladders and bathing toddler and encouraging friends and washing, drying and folding laundry. Not one day did I rest, even though it is my time to "rest."

Because now it's Monday and I'm going back to my 8 - 5 job working for a court system. My coworkers are lovely, really. Even my judge. But there's 4 days of trial beginning today and I can't miss a beat or a mess up the record-keeping. See, while the attorneys and secretaries and even the judge can yawn and lose focus for a moment, or sit back and stretch their arms, or even lean over and have a sip of coffee...I can't.

I must stoically maintain my posture and fervently maintain my listening skills in order to perform my job as court stenographer.

It's physically and mentally taxing. My hands ache, my back aches, my head begins to throb. But I can't miss a single spoken word in the whole 4 days of trial.

And as I stated, I had a long weekend. In fact, I was up 6 times last night. It was the stupid cat meowing, or it was my toddler who cried out or it was my middle daughter...or whatever. But seriously, I was up 6 times last night total.

All while my husband sawed logs in our bedroom.

Mothering...it ain't for sissies.

When mother says, "Well, I should go to sleep," she REALLY means, "I have a load of laundry to do, some dishes to clean, the pets to take care of, the baby to bathe, the children to tuck in bed, and my prayers to be spoken before I can hit the sack."

And when a husband says, "I'm going to bed," he means it. Five minutes later, he is snoring while his wife makes sure all the little loose ends get tied.

So...my big question..."WHO TAKES CARE OF ME?"

Because it sure can get extremely tiring working full-time, working full-time on my weekends, too, and then working full-time all week long. And doing it all on nights like I had last night.

Maybe it's my coffee that takes care of me.

Maybe it's my bathtub that takes care of me.

Maybe....maybe it's my middle daughter who rubs my aching feet once in a while...or my eldest child who helps me around my home so much. Or my toddler who looks into my eyes and says, "I wuv yooo." And okay, sometimes even my husband can help me, too, when he cooks a fabulous salmon steak fillet.

Mothers aren't meant to be taken care of on a regular basis....we are expected to take care of everyone else 100% of the time.

Or MAYBE...the answer is..."I NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF."

But how?

Help me, Lord, learn to take care of myself, too.

"The everlasting God neither faints nor is weary...He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might, He increases strength...but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength...they shall run and not be weary...they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40: 28 - 31

Day 14 - Jesus Delayed

John 11. Lazarus is gravely ill. Word reaches Jesus of this predicament. Mary and her sister Martha are griefstricken and worried. Jesus' response? In verse 6, Jesus delayed in going to Lazarus.

We want Jesus to answer our prayers immediately. Like ordering a meal at a fast food restaurant, we want immediate gratification. No waiting. And when our loved ones are ill, or when we have a concern, we want instant and immediate answered prayers. We are griefstricken as Mary and Martha were...or we are sick with worry.

Verse 17: "So when Jesus [finally!] came, He found that he had already been in the tomb four days." Many of the Jews had joined the women to comfort them because their beloved Lazarus was dead.

Martha's response to Jesus? "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died! But even now, I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." Jesus says to Martha in, in verse 23, "Your brother will rise again."

It just so happens that Jesus performed a miracle...After stating that "I am the resurrection and the life," and "He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live, " and "Whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die." Jesus had the stone to Lazarus' tomb rolled away. Jesus was groaning and moaning as He lifted up His eyes and prayed to God.

"Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. And I know that You always hear Me...but because of the people who are standing by I said this, that they may believe that You sent Me."

"Lazarus, come forth." And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth.

___________________________

We know that God chooses to heal...or not to heal. Our loved ones perish, despite our cries and prayers. Our prayer for a child goes unaswered...our prayer for a better job never comes...our prayer for the salvation of our spouse seems futile...

But know that it is ALWAYS God's prerogative to delay...or not. And because of Jesus' own words, we know that God hears our pleas for His help.

It's not always easy to understand why He heals some...and not others...why He answers one person's prayer and not another's.

But one thing is certain: If we believe that Jesus is the resurrection and the life, He who believes in Jesus, though he may die, shall live [in heaven].

___________________________________

Day 13 - Dead branches on our ash tree

This photo shows our home with a 100-year-old ash tree looming dangerously too close for comfort. Some of the branches are dead and rotted, adding weight to the fragile tree as it tries to stand upright and bloom its leaves towards the sunshine.

Last night, the winds howled through the neighborhood. They were so forceful, they were terrifying. My toddler, who was playing on her swingset in the backyard when the winds began to hurl themselves, ran to me with total fear in her eyes. I snatched her into my arms, ran into the house, and thought: I think there's going to be a tornado!

Of course, there's never been a tornado in our town. We live smack dab in the middle of mountain chains circling all around, like a donut hole sits our town. But the sky had turned an eerie color and the winds were the most ferocious I'd seen and felt in 16 years of living out here.

I immediately was concerned for our 100-year-old ash tree, already precariously bent over towards the roof of our home. Would it snap and crash into our home? Would we be safe?

Several hours later, and many forceful blasts of wind later, the ash tree stood tall. A few small branches lay on the ground, but it had stood tall.

How many times in our own lives have we felt like this ash tree looks: leaning precariously too close to danger and wondering what force will cause us to topple over and crash?

Thank God that He is our strength in times of potential disaster, to help us stand firm and help us remain rooted.

This ash tree definitely could use some major pruning. Pruning would take away those heavy, dead branches, would trim it in a way that it could continue to grow as God has intended it to grow...healthy, firmly planted....without fear of collapse and destruction.

Does your life resemble this old ash tree? Perhaps it's time for you to allow God to prune up areas in your life that are dead and heavy weights...to trim out those areas in your life that don't allow you to grow upwards and towards Him.

Are you willing? Or will you remain dangerously close to destruction? The choice is yours.

Colossians 3:1 says, "Seek those things which are above."

John 15:2 says, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit."

Day 12 - Personalized Proverbs 31 Woman

This is a bit of light humor.

I was reading Proverbs 31 woman and realized a few things. The woman in these scriptures was (or does) the following:

• She sews and/or knits clothing and bedding for her family, merchants, and servant girls.
• She cooks/prepares food for her family and servant girls.
• She HAS servant girls!
• She buys property with her own $$$.
• She turns a profit from her wise business decisions.
• She gardens (vineyard).
• She donates to charity and helps those in need.
• Her business is making linen garments and selling them for profit.
• Her wisdom comes from the Lord.
• She is encouraging and hardworking.
• She is respected and loved.
• Her children and husband adore her.

So I wrote out what my own personalized Proverbs 31 might read like, starting with verse 13 (in comparison to the actual scripture verses):

• 13 She seeks out bargain sales and purchases fabrics for sewing projects.
• 14 She travels to several different grocery stores in town to shop for the best value and to find the freshest produce.
• 15 Her alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. so she can shower, do her hair, put on her makeup. She tends to her 2-year-old while doing so. She rushes out the door for work at 7:55 a.m.
• 16 She helps her husband pay for household expenses and the cost of raising a family. In their back yard, she plants an herb garden and vegetable garden.
• 17 She works out at the health club to maintain her health and vitality.
• 18 She enjoys finding sale items. She tells her husband how much moeny she saved them through bargain hunting; she helps pay household expenses so that the utlity bill is current so that they have power to run their home efficiently.
• 19 She sews with her Singer sewing machine, and threads her bobbin carefully.
• 20 She volunteers her time and donates to charity.
• 21 She does not worry about 40-degree-below-zero-days because her children are wearing Lands' End snowsuits and boots on the playground.
• 22 She would like to make her own pant suits for work, but she doesn't have that much talent. Instead, she shops the year-end 75% off clearance racks...or Goodwill...for her work clothes.
• 23 Her husband is like Norm from "Cheers." Wherever he goes in town, people know him and greet him.
• 24 She earns a great paycheck, and provides health insurance for her family members. She is building up retirement savings. She gets 2 weeks paid vacation for her family to enjoy. She gets paid sick days in order to stay at home with her sick children.
• 25 Dedication and hardworking are her attributes at work; and she shall rejoice when she retires because all of her hard work will reap retirement benefits.
• 26 She gives encouragement to her friends, prays with her friends, and has a hug for the neighborhood children.
• 27 She delights when her home is running like a "tight ship." She is so busy that she doesn't have time to idly watch TV (well, very often) or even take a bath in solitude.
• 28 Her children tell her she's a great mother and her husband is grateful to have her help with finances.
• 29 Many working mothers have done fabulously; but she is just chugging along.
• 30 Flattery is deceitful -- and hot, super-model looks are a waste of time -- but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.
• 31 Give her the checkbook balance and let that be her reward for all of her hard work.

Day 11 - God, Do You See Me?

Another morning of struggles...(sigh).

Last night, I was once again completely dead tired after having worked all day. I arrive home to three children who all need my attention and time.

But I'm so tired, all I want to do is sit out in the back yard and stare blankly at the kids as they play on the swings or play in the yard. I'm a total zombie.

"Mama, watch me!" "Mama, I'm hungry." "Mom, teach me to shave my legs." "Mom, the dog wasn't fed yet." "Mom, can I go to a friend's for a sleepover." "Mom, can we bake cookies together?" "Mom, look what I drew!" "Mom, I rearranged my room. Come see!" "Mom, the cat's out of cat food." "Mom, we're almost out of milk." And on and on and on and on...

Where's my spouse? Not at home because he works evenings, as well as days. As usual, I'm doing this alone.

I drag myself up and out of the lounge chair in the back yard and begin the monotonous and tedious nightly routine: feed the dog, cook dinner, pick up the kitchen, do a load of laundry, squeeze in 20 minutes on the home computer, make a few phone calls to my closest friends to maintain my relationship with them, bath time for the little one, middle child cries because she hasn't had one-on-one time, read bedtime books, tuck the children into their respective beds...and collapse into a deep sleep.

I woke up this morning to get ready for work. But my youngest woke up, too. So not only am I trying to get myself ready for my daily grind, but I have a toddler in tow. "Mama! Hold me!" "Mama, I need to go potty." "Mama, I want my bottle." "Mama, I want to watch a movie." "Mama, I'm hungry."

I ended up tossing her into a warm bathtub with me. At least I can keep an eye on her while I'm bathing. My husband is sawing logs in his bed -- I mean OUR bed, although I never sleep there. I'm always so exhausted when I snuggle my kids into their beds that I end up sleeping with one of them the whole night.

I get dressed, dress my toddler -- who is screaming because she doesn't want to wear the outfit I picked out for her -- and apply a quick coat of makeup. I have no time to properly style my hair. I pull it back into a clip. Oh, well. The attorneys where I work don't even notice, I'm sure.

I frantically wake up my husband, "I'm leaving! You have to get out of bed now and watch the baby."

He's exhausted. He lays there, trying to pretend this isn't his life, too.

I say to husband as he climbs out of bed, bleary-eyed and still partly asleep: "You know, I figured out that if I watch two children in our home, I can be a stay-at-home mom."

He gets extremely agitated. We've been over this subject a million times in the past six month ad nauseum to him.

"We wouldn't have health insurance if you stayed at home. Your job provides the family's health insurance." He is actually about to start yelling.

"I don't care. Why do I have to be the one to provide that? You're the head of the home. YOU do it," I shout.

And I slam 100-year-old Victorian front door as I make my way to my truck, tears welling up in my eyes.

I drove to work...but I don't remember one bit of it. I'm sitting at my desk writing this when I should be working.

"God, do you see my struggles? Do you see that I want to stay at home with my children? Please, help us find a way."

Day 10 - The Lord is my Rock

This morning, I read 2 Samuel 22, King David's song of Praise. David sang these words to the Lord, beginning in verse 1: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior....I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise"...and in verse 7: "In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my god. From his temple he heard my voice, my cry came to his ears."

My rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my refuge, my shield, my stronghold, my savior...what amazing attributes! My on-line dictionary says that a "fortress" is impenetrable, or acts as protection. A fortress contains a strong army of soldiers who will protect the people living within. This tells me that the Lord is a safe haven for me...where He will protect me without even the slightest chance of being infiltrated by enemies.

This one's super interesting, "deliverer." A deliverer is someone who takes something that has been bought to another address or location. Perhaps Jesus, who paid for my sins (bought me) is taking me to my new address, His home, his citadel, his fortress? That's pretty interesting to ponder...

A "shelter" is a place that is safe from something unsafe, threatening, or harmful. Because I am the Lord's, I am allowed entrance into His shelter...and I don't need a V.I.P card and I don't need to be popular or famous, either. I can be plain, ol' me and gain access to this vital safe place.

We are all familiar with a "shield," but let's break this word down, too. A shield is a piece of armor that is used as protection against weapon blows, arrows, bullets, and other projectiles. So when Satan tries to throw his fiery darts, the Lord is our shield that will protect us from injury and harm.

A "savior" is someone who rescues someone else from danger, a liberator, and even is likened to a knight in shining armor! Praise God, we ALL have our own personal Knight in Shining Armor who will rescue us and ride us off to safety to our new haven and safe place...a fortress!

The last part of the scripture above says that God hears my voice. Sometimes, we can feel that our prayers or our cries fall on deaf ears...but God's word says that is NOT the case. Whatever struggle we face, whatever illness befalls our family members, whatever business venture goes sour, whatever cry we cry out IS heard. Matthew 7:9 says this: "What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" NEVER say that it is not God's will to give you what you ask. Don't give up asking if the answer doesn't come as soon as you'd like...diligently seek God's will for your life, and He will bless you for it.

My cry is this: "Lord, I am tired. I work full-time and raise three daughters by myself and my husband is gone more than he is home. Please, rescue us from this dreadful cycle we've put ourselves into...And in the meantime, I will thank you that I have this job that helps put food on the table and helps keep a roof over our heads. Guide us and lead us...but mostly, forgive us. Amen."